SO YOU WANT TO WORK MIDNIGHTS....

Monday, February 27, 2006
Current mood: INSTRUCTIONAL


GREETINGS WRATHKETEERS!
AS MOST OF YOU KNOW, I WORK NIGHTS. I LOVE IT- YAY. I HAVE NOTICED AS OF LATE, MANY FOLKS ARE LOOKING TO GIVE THE DARK SIDE A TRY. CHANGING SHIFTS IS A DECISION THAT SHOULDN'T BE MADE RASHLY. THERE ARE A FEW THINGS YOU NEED TO CONSIDER BEFORE JOINING THE "GRAVEYARD SHIFT"...

1. IT'S DARK AT NIGHT, SO IF YOU HAVE SUFFER FROM XEROPHALMIA (NIGHTBLINDNESS) YOU MAY WANT TO RECONSIDER- NIGHTSHIFTERS DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR SEEING-EYE DOG. CONSIDER A DAY J0B OR A HELPER MONKEY

2. THE URGE TO NAP IS STRONG, IF YOU CAN DO IT WITHOUT GETTING FIRED- GREAT. IF NOT- ASK YOUR FELLOW NIGHTWORKERS WHERE ALL THE GOOD NAPPING PLACES ARE. DON'T BOGART THE DESIGNATED NAP AREA- WE NEED REST TOO.

3. NIGHTSHIFTERS ARE NOTORIOUSLY XENOPHOBIC.THE NIGHTSHIFTER IS WORLD RENOWNED FOR ITS PALE SKIN DUE TO LACK OF NATURAL LIGHT AND AVERSION TO OUTSIDERS. IT WILL TAKE TIME FOR THEM TO ACKNOWLEDGE AND ACCEPT YOU INTO THEIR TRIBE. DON'T BE OFFENDED- IT IS OUR WAY.

4. HAVE RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION. A SURE WAY TO GET YOURSELF ALIENATED FROM YOUR NEW COWORKERS IS TO GLOM RIDES OFF OF THEM...ESPECIALLY IN THE MORNING WHEN THEY ARE BARELY AWAKE ENOUGH TO MAKE IT TO THEIR OWN DOMICILE- NOW THEY HAVE TO LEARN WHERE YOURS IS.

5. BOREDOM IS COMMON SIDE EFFECT FOR THE NIGHTSHIFTER. IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO KEEP YOURSELF BUSY. YOUR COWORKERS ARE THERE TO WORK/SLEEP...NOT TO KEEP YOU ENTERTAINED. IF YOU'RE BORED- GET AN IMAGINARY FRIEND OR A HOBBY LIKE KNITTING. KNITTING IS THE BARBARIC PRACTICE OF USING TWO POINTED STICKS AND STRING TO FORM CLOTH. THIS CLOTH CAN BE FASHIONED INTO A SCARF, AFGHAN OR GARROTTE.

6. DRINK LOTS OF MILK. BEWARE OF THE DREADED DISEASE RICKETS- A DEFICIENCY OF VITAMIN D WHICH IS GOTTEN FROM SUNLIGHT OR COWS...RICKETS IS COMMON AMONG PEOPLE IN OUR ELITE SOCIAL CIRCLE: PIRATES, NINJAS, VAMPIRES AND NUNS. THERE IS NO ROOM IN OUR GROUP FOR BOWLEGGED HUNCHBACKS. AN ADDITIONAL SOURCE OF VITAMIN D CAN BE FOUND AT YOUR LOCAL TANNING SALON- BUT BE ADVISED ANY ATTEMPT AT A FAKE BAKE WILL BE MET WITH MOCKERY AND EVENTUAL OSTRACISATION AND BANISHMENT FROM THE TRIBE.

IF YOU FOLLOW THESE SIMPLE GUIDELINES, YOU TO CAN ESHEW THE FETTERS IMPOSED BY THE DAYWALKERS AND BECOME A CHILD OF THE NIGHT.