I JUST SPENT THE BETTER PART OF AN HOUR ASSERTING MYSELF. IN WENT ON AND ON ABOUT NOT BEING A DOORMAT, TAKE ME AS I AM- BLAH, BLAH BLAH.
APPARENTLY THE GODS OF T3H INT3RW3BS DISAPPROVE OF MY SELF IMPOSED FREEDOM...AND DELETED THE ENTIRE POST.
WELL MR INTERWEB/AL GORE/BILL GATES: I HAVE NOT CHANGED MY POSITION. I STILL FEEL THAT THOSE WHO TRULY CARE FOR ME, TAKE ME AS I AM. THOSE WHO DO NOT & WANT ME TO CHANGE FOR THEIR BENEFIT DO NOT CARE FOR ME, AND I WILL NOT BEND TO THEIR WILL. IF THE FRESH AIR OF MY INTELLECT BURNS THEIR LUNGS, MAYBE THEY SHOULD SEEK THE STUFFINESS THEY CRAVE ELSEWHERE...FOR THEY WILL NOT FIND IT WITH ME.
SO THERETHE SKWERL HAS SPOKEN
10.23.2006
MORE TAO OF CRAIG'S LIST----THE SINGLES AD
Current mood: CAN I HAVE AN AMEN?
YET ANOTHER CRAIG'S LIST GEM....I DO BELIEVE THIS WOMAN IS MY LONG LOST TWIN- GOOD LUCK SISTER FROM ANOTHER MISTER!
I mean, DAMN.
On a first date: I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation. In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear) I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone. I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it". I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat. I may call you the following day. I may not. On the second date: I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding). We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke. I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex. Yes, I just typed all of that. Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly... YOU MUST BE of the caucasian persuasion funny loquacious driven single (that means not LEGALLY married) under 38 over 23 not a baby-daddy drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking) sarcastic well-mannered, for appearances able to leave work at work. this implies employment educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count) NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway. I AM... Over one-night stands. I'm not in college anymore, and thank God Girls Gone Wild never visited back in my hay-day. Very comfortable in my skin. Unafraid. Equally unashamed. Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status. Able to say "no" and scream "yes". Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty TOGETHER, WE WILL bowl play trivia act like raging dickheads in public establishments giggle at midgets fornicate regularly discuss books drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will. Often laugh at others and harder at ourselves one-up eachother WE WILL NOT involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine. yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset be dishonest care what everyone else thinks do any activity with one another's family more than once a month act like something doesn't bother us, when it does throw low-blows in times of frustration Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of man, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at... I'm not fat. I'm not the healthiest individual, but I'm not a walking heart attack. If you appear to be more than 2.5 months pregnant, don't respond I have my original 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond. If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should sit this one out. I'm short. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your girth does not exceed your height. I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well. Bring your A-game, bitches.
YET ANOTHER CRAIG'S LIST GEM....I DO BELIEVE THIS WOMAN IS MY LONG LOST TWIN- GOOD LUCK SISTER FROM ANOTHER MISTER!
I mean, DAMN.
On a first date: I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation. In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear) I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone. I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it". I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat. I may call you the following day. I may not. On the second date: I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding). We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke. I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex. Yes, I just typed all of that. Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly... YOU MUST BE of the caucasian persuasion funny loquacious driven single (that means not LEGALLY married) under 38 over 23 not a baby-daddy drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking) sarcastic well-mannered, for appearances able to leave work at work. this implies employment educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count) NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway. I AM... Over one-night stands. I'm not in college anymore, and thank God Girls Gone Wild never visited back in my hay-day. Very comfortable in my skin. Unafraid. Equally unashamed. Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status. Able to say "no" and scream "yes". Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty TOGETHER, WE WILL bowl play trivia act like raging dickheads in public establishments giggle at midgets fornicate regularly discuss books drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will. Often laugh at others and harder at ourselves one-up eachother WE WILL NOT involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine. yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset be dishonest care what everyone else thinks do any activity with one another's family more than once a month act like something doesn't bother us, when it does throw low-blows in times of frustration Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of man, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at... I'm not fat. I'm not the healthiest individual, but I'm not a walking heart attack. If you appear to be more than 2.5 months pregnant, don't respond I have my original 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond. If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should sit this one out. I'm short. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your girth does not exceed your height. I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well. Bring your A-game, bitches.
FUCK YOU MYSPACE & YOUR PUPPET TOM TOO!
Current mood: EL ESTRELLA DEL MUERTO ES MUY BUENO
MYSPACE SAYS I HAVE NO FRIENDS WHEN I LOG IN....THE FUCK I DON'T.
IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU ARE MY FRIEND OR...
1. AN ANGRY LONER,
2. UNEMPLOYED & OUT OF PORN,
3. THE PARENT OF SMALL COLICKY CHILDREN
4. A DEATHSTAR TELCO MINION, ALSO KNOW AS COWORKERS,
5. NEW TO AMERICA, AND WANT TO BE LERNINK THE AMERICAN TALKIE TALK.
FOR THE LAST GROUP IS SAY: HELLO WELCOME TO AMERICA......PLEASE STOP STEALING MY NEWSPAPER, AND GET A JOB.
NOW BACK TO SPREADING YOUR WRATH, Y'AL
LLA SKWERLITA
MYSPACE SAYS I HAVE NO FRIENDS WHEN I LOG IN....THE FUCK I DON'T.
IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU ARE MY FRIEND OR...
1. AN ANGRY LONER,
2. UNEMPLOYED & OUT OF PORN,
3. THE PARENT OF SMALL COLICKY CHILDREN
4. A DEATHSTAR TELCO MINION, ALSO KNOW AS COWORKERS,
5. NEW TO AMERICA, AND WANT TO BE LERNINK THE AMERICAN TALKIE TALK.
FOR THE LAST GROUP IS SAY: HELLO WELCOME TO AMERICA......PLEASE STOP STEALING MY NEWSPAPER, AND GET A JOB.
NOW BACK TO SPREADING YOUR WRATH, Y'AL
LLA SKWERLITA
10.12.2006
W.W.S.D- FOR A LIVING?
THIS IS WHERE I WORK. NOW YOU KNOW...AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE.
skwerl, Deathstar Minion #8660623
10.11.2006
MEN + GUITARS = HATEMAIL
Current mood: CONTRITE, YET CRANKY
OK, OK- NOW THAT EVERYONE THAT PEES STANDING UP IS PISSED AT ME...I GET IT.IT'S MY FAULT I GET HURT...I SHOULD KNOW BETTER. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
FOR THOSE WHO KNOW ME IN THE REAL WORLD, THE GENERAL CONSENSUS IS THAT I'M PRETTY NICE. EVEN TOO NICE...PRACTICALLY A DOORMAT. I DON'T HAVE IT IN ME TO BE A RAVING BITCH ON FIRE- NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE GOTTEN HURT I TREAT EVERY NEW PERSON IN MY LIFE WITH LOVE AND RESPECT.
I'D LIKE THE SAME IN RETURN. I DON'T LIKE TO BE USED AS AN EMOTIONAL TAMPON, AND I RETURN THE FAVOUR.
I DON'T CHASE BAD BOYS...I AVOID THEM LIKE THEY WERE TELEMARKETERS.
I DON'T VIEW A NEW MAN IN MY LIFE AS A D-I-Y PROJECT...AS I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE EITHER.
IF THAT WAS THE CASE I WOULD SIT ON A SHELF AT HOME DEPOT WITH A LABEL STATING "EMOTIONALLY CHALLENGED NIGHT-OWL, WITH FEARS OF INTIMACY, TOO SMART FOR HER OWN GOOD- $49.95, NOW AVAILABLE IN BLONDE!!! LIMIT ONE PER CUSTOMER"
ACCEPT ONE ANOTHER FOR ALL OF YOUR FLAWS AND OFFERINGS. WE'RE ALL DIFFERENT BY DESIGN FOR GOOD REASON. WE ALL HAVE DEEP SEATED ISSUES- MOST OF WHICH STEM FROM CHILDHOOD THEN GET MUTATED THROUGH THE VERY PROCESS OF GROWING UP.
WE'RE ALL BROKEN ROBOTS.
DER WUNDER-EICHHÖRNCHEN (SKWERL)
OK, OK- NOW THAT EVERYONE THAT PEES STANDING UP IS PISSED AT ME...I GET IT.IT'S MY FAULT I GET HURT...I SHOULD KNOW BETTER. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
FOR THOSE WHO KNOW ME IN THE REAL WORLD, THE GENERAL CONSENSUS IS THAT I'M PRETTY NICE. EVEN TOO NICE...PRACTICALLY A DOORMAT. I DON'T HAVE IT IN ME TO BE A RAVING BITCH ON FIRE- NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE GOTTEN HURT I TREAT EVERY NEW PERSON IN MY LIFE WITH LOVE AND RESPECT.
I'D LIKE THE SAME IN RETURN. I DON'T LIKE TO BE USED AS AN EMOTIONAL TAMPON, AND I RETURN THE FAVOUR.
I DON'T CHASE BAD BOYS...I AVOID THEM LIKE THEY WERE TELEMARKETERS.
I DON'T VIEW A NEW MAN IN MY LIFE AS A D-I-Y PROJECT...AS I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE EITHER.
IF THAT WAS THE CASE I WOULD SIT ON A SHELF AT HOME DEPOT WITH A LABEL STATING "EMOTIONALLY CHALLENGED NIGHT-OWL, WITH FEARS OF INTIMACY, TOO SMART FOR HER OWN GOOD- $49.95, NOW AVAILABLE IN BLONDE!!! LIMIT ONE PER CUSTOMER"
ACCEPT ONE ANOTHER FOR ALL OF YOUR FLAWS AND OFFERINGS. WE'RE ALL DIFFERENT BY DESIGN FOR GOOD REASON. WE ALL HAVE DEEP SEATED ISSUES- MOST OF WHICH STEM FROM CHILDHOOD THEN GET MUTATED THROUGH THE VERY PROCESS OF GROWING UP.
WE'RE ALL BROKEN ROBOTS.
DER WUNDER-EICHHÖRNCHEN (SKWERL)
MAN + GUITAR = THERE'S GONNA BE TEARS
Current mood: SERIOUSLY, MAN- GET A JOB
I BEAR WRATHY SALUTATIONS, WRATHKETEERS.
I HAVE HAD IT WITH MUSICIANS!!! (EXCEPT BASS & LUTE PLAYERS, YOU GUYS ARE OK IN MY BOOK.) AS FOR THE REST OF YOU- GO TO HELL.
I CAN REMEMBER THE 1ST MUSICIAN TO BREAK MY HEART...WE WERE IN MARCHING BAND- HE PLAYED TRUMPET. THEN THERE WERE SOME DRUMMERS, SINGERS, GUITARISTS- BASTARDS!!!!! I CURSE YOU AND YOUR GYRATING HIPS, YOUR SIREN CALL,YOUR PRIMAL RHYTHMS STIRRING WITHING MY VERY CORE. (WHOA, GOTTA STOP RIGHT THERE)
I STOPPED GOING TO SHOWS, GUITAR CENTRE, FREEHOLD MUSIC & SAM ASH BECAUSE OF YOU...YOU GUYS COME AFTER ME LIKE I WAS A RECORD EXECUTIVE WITH A GENEROUS CONTRACT. (HEY, YOU'RE CUTE- WANNA HANG OUT? BE MY MUSE? COULD YOU PROOFREAD MY WRITING, LOAN ME MONEY?)
GOD FORBID I SHOW INTEREST IN RETURN- THE ERRONEOUS PERCEPTION THAT I AM A DOORMAT OR ATM WILL BE THE LAST MISTAKE YOU MAKE WITH ME.
WHAT THE FUCK?
YOU WANT TO BE MY FRIEND- GREAT! WE ALL NEED FRIENDS.
DON'T WANT TO BE A FRIEND? THEN SAY SO...THEN LOSE MY NUMBER- I SHAN'T SPEAK WITH YOU EVER AGAIN.
DO YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE? TELL ME...I'LL LISTEN.
IF I FEEL THE SAME, I WILL RECIPROCATE...AND TELL YOU SO.
NO GAMES, NO BULLSHIT...YOU LUCKY DOG!
I'M PRETTY LOW MAINTENANCE, I EXPECT THE SAME. (BY THE WAY: I'M NOT ZERO MAINTENANCE, I DO EXPECT TO SPEND TIME HAVING NON-NEKKID FUN. SEX GETS OLD AFTER A WHILE, YOU SHOULD HAVE THE ABILITY TO HAVE A CONVERSATION OR AT LEAST SOME KIND OF POST-COITAL ACTIVITY- NOT JUST ME COOKING. HOW ABOUT WE WATCH THE GAME AT THE BAR?)
MY DOG HAS TO LIKE YOU. HE IS A BETTER JUDGE OF CHARACTER THAN I. IF YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, HE WILL KNOW- THEN HE WILL PROBABLY ATTACK, AND I CANNOT BREAK HIS GRIP. GOOD LUCK!
IF YOU WANT TO BORROW MONEY OR MY CAR- FUCK YOURSELF DIAGONAL, BRAH...I AIN'T YOUR STEADY PAYCHECK WITH TITS.
DER SWERL
I BEAR WRATHY SALUTATIONS, WRATHKETEERS.
I HAVE HAD IT WITH MUSICIANS!!! (EXCEPT BASS & LUTE PLAYERS, YOU GUYS ARE OK IN MY BOOK.) AS FOR THE REST OF YOU- GO TO HELL.
I CAN REMEMBER THE 1ST MUSICIAN TO BREAK MY HEART...WE WERE IN MARCHING BAND- HE PLAYED TRUMPET. THEN THERE WERE SOME DRUMMERS, SINGERS, GUITARISTS- BASTARDS!!!!! I CURSE YOU AND YOUR GYRATING HIPS, YOUR SIREN CALL,YOUR PRIMAL RHYTHMS STIRRING WITHING MY VERY CORE. (WHOA, GOTTA STOP RIGHT THERE)
I STOPPED GOING TO SHOWS, GUITAR CENTRE, FREEHOLD MUSIC & SAM ASH BECAUSE OF YOU...YOU GUYS COME AFTER ME LIKE I WAS A RECORD EXECUTIVE WITH A GENEROUS CONTRACT. (HEY, YOU'RE CUTE- WANNA HANG OUT? BE MY MUSE? COULD YOU PROOFREAD MY WRITING, LOAN ME MONEY?)
GOD FORBID I SHOW INTEREST IN RETURN- THE ERRONEOUS PERCEPTION THAT I AM A DOORMAT OR ATM WILL BE THE LAST MISTAKE YOU MAKE WITH ME.
WHAT THE FUCK?
YOU WANT TO BE MY FRIEND- GREAT! WE ALL NEED FRIENDS.
DON'T WANT TO BE A FRIEND? THEN SAY SO...THEN LOSE MY NUMBER- I SHAN'T SPEAK WITH YOU EVER AGAIN.
DO YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE? TELL ME...I'LL LISTEN.
IF I FEEL THE SAME, I WILL RECIPROCATE...AND TELL YOU SO.
NO GAMES, NO BULLSHIT...YOU LUCKY DOG!
I'M PRETTY LOW MAINTENANCE, I EXPECT THE SAME. (BY THE WAY: I'M NOT ZERO MAINTENANCE, I DO EXPECT TO SPEND TIME HAVING NON-NEKKID FUN. SEX GETS OLD AFTER A WHILE, YOU SHOULD HAVE THE ABILITY TO HAVE A CONVERSATION OR AT LEAST SOME KIND OF POST-COITAL ACTIVITY- NOT JUST ME COOKING. HOW ABOUT WE WATCH THE GAME AT THE BAR?)
MY DOG HAS TO LIKE YOU. HE IS A BETTER JUDGE OF CHARACTER THAN I. IF YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, HE WILL KNOW- THEN HE WILL PROBABLY ATTACK, AND I CANNOT BREAK HIS GRIP. GOOD LUCK!
IF YOU WANT TO BORROW MONEY OR MY CAR- FUCK YOURSELF DIAGONAL, BRAH...I AIN'T YOUR STEADY PAYCHECK WITH TITS.
DER SWERL
10.02.2006
NEW & IMPROVED SKWERL...NOW WITH SUPER SULTRY VOICE ACTION!
GRUMBLY MONDAY SALUTATIONS ALL.
I HAVE GOT A BIT OF A COLD THIS WEEKEND, THAT HAS LEFT ME WITH A SMOOTH & VELVETY VOICE THAT SOUNDS A BIT LIKE KATHLEEN TURNER.
THOSE OF YOU LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE TO REPORT A DOWNED T3 OR HIGHER CIRCUIT WILL MOST LIKELY GET GREETED WITH A SULTRY "THANK YOU FOR CALLING LOCAL DEATHSTAR REPAIR, HOW MAY I HELP YOU?"ALTHOUGH I'M A BIT HEADACHY, THIS IS MY FAVOURITE KIND OF MALAISE...SINCE EVERY WORD THAT PASSES MY LIPS REEKS OF DOUBLE-ENTENDRE AND RAW SENSUALITY...NOT AT ALL THE USUAL PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE MIDWESTERN HOUSEWIFE TELEPHONE PERSONAE THAT I NORMALLY WRAP MYSELF IN AT WORK.
(PLEASE NOTE: OUR LADY OF SKWERL IS NOT FROM THE MIDWEST, IS NOT MARRIED, HAS NO KIDS AND IS FOR THE MOST PART CANTANKEROUS- NOT PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE- AND DOES NOT ENDORSE ANY TYPE OF BEHAVIOUR OTHER THAN RAW, UNCHECKED HOSTILITY.)
IN OTHER NEWS: THIS WEEKEND WAS A COMPLETE AND TOTAL MINDFUCK...IF ANYONE BITCHES I WORK TOO MANY WEEKENDS EVER AGAIN, I WILL CUT A SWITCH AND BEAT YOU LIKE AN UNRULY SERF! THERE WAS NO MISCHIEF & MAYHEM FOR SKWERL, ONLY A FEW SHOTS WITH AN OLD & DEAR FRIEND. THE LARGE SCARY MAN WITH THE UNFORTUNATE TEETH WAS THERE TOO, AS WAS SKINNY YAPPITY LADY, CREEPY STARING MAN AND THE TOO-DAMN-MUCH-COLOGNE FACTION WAS ALSO IN ATTENDANCE. TRULY, IT WAS A MICROCOSM OF WHAT WILL MOST LIKELY SURVIVE A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST. (ARTIST HANS & HIS OUTRAGEOUS ACCENT WAS THERE AS WELL.)
I WAS HOME BY 2330...YOU GOT TO PACE YOURSELF, YOU KNOW.
DER VUNDER-SVERL
I HAVE GOT A BIT OF A COLD THIS WEEKEND, THAT HAS LEFT ME WITH A SMOOTH & VELVETY VOICE THAT SOUNDS A BIT LIKE KATHLEEN TURNER.
THOSE OF YOU LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE TO REPORT A DOWNED T3 OR HIGHER CIRCUIT WILL MOST LIKELY GET GREETED WITH A SULTRY "THANK YOU FOR CALLING LOCAL DEATHSTAR REPAIR, HOW MAY I HELP YOU?"ALTHOUGH I'M A BIT HEADACHY, THIS IS MY FAVOURITE KIND OF MALAISE...SINCE EVERY WORD THAT PASSES MY LIPS REEKS OF DOUBLE-ENTENDRE AND RAW SENSUALITY...NOT AT ALL THE USUAL PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE MIDWESTERN HOUSEWIFE TELEPHONE PERSONAE THAT I NORMALLY WRAP MYSELF IN AT WORK.
(PLEASE NOTE: OUR LADY OF SKWERL IS NOT FROM THE MIDWEST, IS NOT MARRIED, HAS NO KIDS AND IS FOR THE MOST PART CANTANKEROUS- NOT PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE- AND DOES NOT ENDORSE ANY TYPE OF BEHAVIOUR OTHER THAN RAW, UNCHECKED HOSTILITY.)
IN OTHER NEWS: THIS WEEKEND WAS A COMPLETE AND TOTAL MINDFUCK...IF ANYONE BITCHES I WORK TOO MANY WEEKENDS EVER AGAIN, I WILL CUT A SWITCH AND BEAT YOU LIKE AN UNRULY SERF! THERE WAS NO MISCHIEF & MAYHEM FOR SKWERL, ONLY A FEW SHOTS WITH AN OLD & DEAR FRIEND. THE LARGE SCARY MAN WITH THE UNFORTUNATE TEETH WAS THERE TOO, AS WAS SKINNY YAPPITY LADY, CREEPY STARING MAN AND THE TOO-DAMN-MUCH-COLOGNE FACTION WAS ALSO IN ATTENDANCE. TRULY, IT WAS A MICROCOSM OF WHAT WILL MOST LIKELY SURVIVE A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST. (ARTIST HANS & HIS OUTRAGEOUS ACCENT WAS THERE AS WELL.)
I WAS HOME BY 2330...YOU GOT TO PACE YOURSELF, YOU KNOW.
DER VUNDER-SVERL
THE TAO OF HOMER
- (courtesy of 2spare.com)
- Operator! Give me the number for 911!
- Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
- Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
- Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
- I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
- Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
- Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
- Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
- Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
- Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
- You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
- Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
- When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
- Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
- I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
- [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
- What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda. - Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
- The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
- When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
- I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
- Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
- I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
- Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. - Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
- I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
- Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman. - Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
- How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
- Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
- Homer no function beer well without.
- I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
- Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
- If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
- I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.
- I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
- [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.'
- All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
- Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
- But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
- I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
- Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.
- That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
- Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
- If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing
- I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
- 'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?
THE END IS NIGH!!!!!!!!
NO MOTHERFUCKING COFFEE FOR SKWERL
WAWA IS CLOSED
A SKWERL HAS NO COFFEE
NO COFFEE
NO COFFEE
NO COFFEE.
NO ROLL.
NO JERKY.
NO FRIENDLY SMILE FROM THE WAWA LADY.
I AM SAD.
I AM FILLED WITH A SNOOZY MALAISE, THAT A STEAMY CUP OF COFFEE CAN FILL (WITH A BUTTERED ROLL)
THERE IS NO COFFEE
BUT LO': A STUBBLY HEADED ANGEL BRINGS MANNA FROM...BP, AND DORITOS TOO!
NEVERMIND- THERE IS NO COFFEE
THE SKWERL IS SAD
TONIGHT, WE FEAST LIKE...COLLEGE STUDENTS!
TO THE VENDING MACHINE!!!!
WAWA IS CLOSED
A SKWERL HAS NO COFFEE
NO COFFEE
NO COFFEE
NO COFFEE.
NO ROLL.
NO JERKY.
NO FRIENDLY SMILE FROM THE WAWA LADY.
I AM SAD.
I AM FILLED WITH A SNOOZY MALAISE, THAT A STEAMY CUP OF COFFEE CAN FILL (WITH A BUTTERED ROLL)
THERE IS NO COFFEE
BUT LO': A STUBBLY HEADED ANGEL BRINGS MANNA FROM...BP, AND DORITOS TOO!
NEVERMIND- THERE IS NO COFFEE
THE SKWERL IS SAD
TONIGHT, WE FEAST LIKE...COLLEGE STUDENTS!
TO THE VENDING MACHINE!!!!
THINGS I DON'T HATE
IN THE INTEREST OF FAIR PLAY- HERE IS SHIT I LIKE.
PUPPIES
BUNNIES
KITTIES
SKWERLS
MY MOM
COFFEE- MIRACLE ELIXIR OF LIFE
COLOUR COPIES
MEN THAT ARE FUNNY HAHA, NOT FUNNY TRUNK FULL OF MANNEQUIN PARTS
CHUCK TAYLORS- STYLIN' SINCE 1917- LOVE THEM CHUCKS!
MISFITS
MOTORHEAD
SLUTTY EGGS- THANX CHRIS
MEAT
BIKER JACKETS, TATTOOS, GOATEES, AND THE NON-ASSHOLISH MEN WHO WEAR THEM W/CHUCK TAYLORS
MY DENTIST
MR POTATOHEAD
SAMUEL L JACKSON
DAVE CHAPPELLE
BOXING- NOTHING HOTTER THAN 2 GROWN MEN BEATING THE PISS OUT OF EACH OTHER.
WATCHING SPORTS IN A BAR
JACK DANIELS
FOX NEWS
THE HISTORY CHANNEL
KNITTING
LEWIS BLACK
BEEF JERKY
THAT HOT GUY I KNOW
HITTING STUPID PEOPLE WITH A ROLLED UP NEWS PAPER.
NATALIE DEE COMICS (AND DREW'S TOO)
HOODIES
PONYTAIL THINGIES
CERTAIN PEOPLE WHO DON'T SUCK
IF I THINK OF ANY MORE- I'LL LET YOU KNOW
DER VUNDERSKWERL
PUPPIES
BUNNIES
KITTIES
SKWERLS
MY MOM
COFFEE- MIRACLE ELIXIR OF LIFE
COLOUR COPIES
MEN THAT ARE FUNNY HAHA, NOT FUNNY TRUNK FULL OF MANNEQUIN PARTS
CHUCK TAYLORS- STYLIN' SINCE 1917- LOVE THEM CHUCKS!
MISFITS
MOTORHEAD
SLUTTY EGGS- THANX CHRIS
MEAT
BIKER JACKETS, TATTOOS, GOATEES, AND THE NON-ASSHOLISH MEN WHO WEAR THEM W/CHUCK TAYLORS
MY DENTIST
MR POTATOHEAD
SAMUEL L JACKSON
DAVE CHAPPELLE
BOXING- NOTHING HOTTER THAN 2 GROWN MEN BEATING THE PISS OUT OF EACH OTHER.
WATCHING SPORTS IN A BAR
JACK DANIELS
FOX NEWS
THE HISTORY CHANNEL
KNITTING
LEWIS BLACK
BEEF JERKY
THAT HOT GUY I KNOW
HITTING STUPID PEOPLE WITH A ROLLED UP NEWS PAPER.
NATALIE DEE COMICS (AND DREW'S TOO)
HOODIES
PONYTAIL THINGIES
CERTAIN PEOPLE WHO DON'T SUCK
IF I THINK OF ANY MORE- I'LL LET YOU KNOW
DER VUNDERSKWERL
THINGS THAT IRRITATE THE EVER LOVING HELL OUT OF ME- FALL EDITION
FALL IS AFOOT WRATHKETEERS, THE LEAVES ARE PLOTTING THEIR FULL FRONTAL ASSAULT UPON LAWNS EVERYWHERE.
I AM READY.
SO HERE IS THE FALL EDITION OF SHIT THAT ANNOYS THE HELL OUT OF ME, WHATEVER THE TITLE IS.
POLITICIANS,POLITICAL ADS,PUNDITS- WTF IS A PUNDIT?
ANDERSON COOPER- SORRY BRAH, YOU'RE NOT THAT RUGGED. NOW PUT AWAY THE KEVLAR VEST & GET ME WOLF BLITZER.
CNN CORRESPONDENTS HAVING KEVLAR VESTS, BUT POLICE & MILITARY PERSONNEL DO NOT. (HANDY HINT- USE EXCESS REPORTERS TO DEFLECT BULLETS)
EXCESSIVE & HIGHLY PAID SCHOOL ADMINISTRATION, NOT ENOUGH & POORLY PAID TEACHING STAFF...HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN?
MY DESK CHAIR- MY ASS HAS KILLED THE SQUISHINESS- DAMN
DON KING
LARRY KING
SOFA KING WE TODD IT
ALAN KING
BURGER KING- IF I WOKE UP WITH THE MASCOT, I WOULD HAVE A HEART ATTACK.
HOWEVER- STEPHEN KING & STEPHEN COLBERT ARE THE SHIZ
THE MEAN VENDING MACHINE AT WORK- GIVE ME MY JERKY YA BASTARD!
THE DOUCHEBAG AT THE DOG PARK- NO I DON'T WANT MY DOGGIE TO FIGHT YOUR PITBULL ASSHOLE, PLEASE KILL YOURSELF, FOR HUMANITIES SAKE.
MOTHS
THE WORD "KUDOS" IT SOUNDS LIKE A SKIN ERUPTION
WELL THERE IS PLENTY MORE...BUT I'M TIRED
PISS OFF
LA SKWERL
I AM READY.
SO HERE IS THE FALL EDITION OF SHIT THAT ANNOYS THE HELL OUT OF ME, WHATEVER THE TITLE IS.
POLITICIANS,POLITICAL ADS,PUNDITS- WTF IS A PUNDIT?
ANDERSON COOPER- SORRY BRAH, YOU'RE NOT THAT RUGGED. NOW PUT AWAY THE KEVLAR VEST & GET ME WOLF BLITZER.
CNN CORRESPONDENTS HAVING KEVLAR VESTS, BUT POLICE & MILITARY PERSONNEL DO NOT. (HANDY HINT- USE EXCESS REPORTERS TO DEFLECT BULLETS)
EXCESSIVE & HIGHLY PAID SCHOOL ADMINISTRATION, NOT ENOUGH & POORLY PAID TEACHING STAFF...HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN?
MY DESK CHAIR- MY ASS HAS KILLED THE SQUISHINESS- DAMN
DON KING
LARRY KING
SOFA KING WE TODD IT
ALAN KING
BURGER KING- IF I WOKE UP WITH THE MASCOT, I WOULD HAVE A HEART ATTACK.
HOWEVER- STEPHEN KING & STEPHEN COLBERT ARE THE SHIZ
THE MEAN VENDING MACHINE AT WORK- GIVE ME MY JERKY YA BASTARD!
THE DOUCHEBAG AT THE DOG PARK- NO I DON'T WANT MY DOGGIE TO FIGHT YOUR PITBULL ASSHOLE, PLEASE KILL YOURSELF, FOR HUMANITIES SAKE.
MOTHS
THE WORD "KUDOS" IT SOUNDS LIKE A SKIN ERUPTION
WELL THERE IS PLENTY MORE...BUT I'M TIRED
PISS OFF
LA SKWERL
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