THE END IS NIGH WRATHKETEERS! I AM BECOME SKWERL...DESTROYER OF WORLDS!
ONE OF MY FAVOURITE TREATS IS THE MODEST FORTUNE COOKIE. TRULY A PERFECT FOOD FOR IT FEEDS THE BODY & THE SOUL. IT'S NOT TOO SWEET, CRUNCHY AND HAS A TINY SLIP OF WISDOM IN EVERY COOKIE.
I HAVE BEGUN IN RECENT MONTHS TO LIMIT MY INTAKE OF CHINESE FOOD IN FAVOUR FOR HEALTHIER FARE, BUT I WILL SWING BY AND GET A BAG ON FORTUNE COOKIES & CRUNCHY NOODLES TO NIBBLE ON.
LATELY THE FORTUNES MADE BY GOLDEN BOWL FOODS SUCK BALLS.
THESE ARE THE FORTUNES I HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO RECIEVE TODAY:
'ITS TOUGH TO BE FACINATING'
'ITS BETTER TO DEAL WITH PROBLEMS BEFORE THEY ARISE'
'REMEMBER THE BIRTHDAY, BUT NEVER THE AGE'
THIS ONE BY FAR IS THE WORST...'IF WE ARE ALL WORMS, TRY TO BE A GLOW WORM'
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? WHO WROTE THIS SHIT...AN MBA? AN HR ADMINISTRATOR? WTF!
I SUGGEST ALL THE FINE CHINESE DINING ESTABLISHMENTS TO RISE UP AGAINST MEDIOCRE FORTUNES & DEMAND BETTER WORDS OF WISDOM OR TAKE THEIR BUSINESS ELSWHERE.
THOSE WHO DO NOT REMEMBER HISTORY, ARE CONDEMNED TO REPEAT IT.
DESPITE MINORING IN HISTORY, MY BEHAVIOUR IS REMINISCENT OF PERT PLUS: LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT.
I GET IN A LATHER, BATHE IN TEARS, DO IT AGAIN.
WELL, NO ONE CAN SAY I'M NOT THE ETERNAL OPTIMIST.
FUCKIN' A RIGHT
BAD ASS SKWERL
JAMES BROWN- THE GODFATHER OF SOUL & HARDEST WORKING MAN IN SHOW BUSINESS DIED EARLY CHRISTMAS DAY, HE WAS AGE 73.
MR. BROWN WAS AN INNOVATOR & ONE HELL OF A SHOWMAN STILL SPINNING LIKE A TOP, BELTING OUT THE FUNK & DOING THOSE CROTH-BOGGLING SPLITS EVEN TO THIS DAY.
I PICTURE HIS EARTHLY DEPARTURE LOOKED LIKE THE END OF ONE OF HIS SHOWS, DOWN ON ONE KNEE- EXHAUSTED. A ROADIE COMES OUT WITH HIS SEQUINED CAPE THAT MATCHES HIS FORM FITTING SUIT TAILORED BY THE SAME MAN WHO DID ELVIS'...THEN JUST WHEN YOU THINK HE WILL TAKE HIS BOW *KACHOW* HE TOSSES THE CAPE & KEEPS GOING.
DEAREST MR. BROWN, THERE WILL BE NO OTHER- AND YOU WILL BE MISSED. SKWERL
THERE IS BEAUTY AND LOVE OUT THERE FOR ME, AS LONG AS THERE IS LIFE, THERE'S HOPE. I LIKE ME, AND MOST FOLKS DO TOO. I CARE DEEPLY FOR MANY THINGS AND A FEW PEOPLE, AND I THINK THEY RECIPROCATE.
SO I'M NOT SWIMMING IN MONEY & MY DREAM JOB...YET- BUT I WILL. SUCCESS ISN'T ALWAYS MEASURED BY YOUR PAYCHECK OR POSSESIONS...IT'S ALSO MEASURED IN THE JOY YOU REAP FROM THE THE VERY ACT OF LIVING.
IN THAT I AM A GREAT SUCCESS.
APRES-HOLIDAY GREETINGS WRATHKERINOS!
I HOPE YOU ALL HAD A LOVELY CHRISTMAS & GOT LOTS OF PRESENTS. I MADE OUT LIKE A BANDIT THIS YEAR: 32" LCD HDTV, ASSORTED DIGITAL MEDIA (CD'S, DVD'S)...BOB DYLAN'S NEWEST ALBUM! YAY 4 SKWERL! GOT TO DO SOME STUFF AND MADE A LOVELY TURKEY & A HAM.
ALL IN ALL A DAMN FINE CHRISTMAS, WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE LITTLE PLEASURES IN LIFE THAT COME WITH ADULTHOOD & I AM THANKFUL FOR THEM.
LIKE THESE FOR INSTANCE:
PUTTING YOUR FEET ON THE COFFEE TABLE
DRINK MILK RIGHT FROM THE CARTON IF YOU'RE INTO THAT
DRINK 1/2 A BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS, DO YOUR NAILS AND WATCH A CHRISTMAS STORY IN YOUR SEXY VICKIES UNDERPANTS.
A GOOD SHAG OR TWO
THE JOY OF OWNING THE COOL PET- THE ONE WHO GETS TO HANG OUT.
EATING REDDI-WHIP FROM THE CAN WHILE LEAVING THE FRIDGE DOOR OPEN.
YOU CAN LEAVE THE HOUSE WITH WET HAIR
RUNNING WITH SCISSORS
CROSSING ON THE GREEN *AND* IN-BETWEEN
WATCH PORN, DRINK & SMOKE LEGALLY.
CHILI DOG W/MUSTARD, RAW ONIONS & CHEESE IS PART OF A BALANCED BREAKFAST.
YOU DON'T NEED SANTA TO BRING YOU TOYS WHEN YOU HAVE VISA.
YOU MEET/EXCEED THE HEIGHT REQUIREMENT ON ROLLERCOASTERS.
NAPKINS, COASTERS & WIPING YOUR FEET ARE OPTIONAL.
I THINK I'M OFF TO GET SOME REDDI-WHIP
IF YOU'RE TERRIFIED OF CLOWNS, THIS WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAMS, IT'S CALLED CAN'T SLEEP- CLOWNS WILL EAT ME.
THIS ONE SAYS: WHY CAN'T YOU BE A DOCTOR/LAWYER/DENTIST/TEACHER LIKE YOUR COUSIN RACHAEL? I CALL IT EIGHT NIGHTS OF INADEQUACY.
...THIS IS THE PENULTIMATE GIFT FOR THE SINGLE GAL, I CALL IT THE MEN-NIGHTMARE. IF YOU LISTEN REEEEALY CLOSE YOU CAN ALMOST HEAR THE HOLIDAYS: "SO, ARE YOU SEEING ANYONE? MY NEIGHBOR STELLA'S SISTER'S HUSBANDS NEPHEW'S DENTIST IS SINGLE, MAYBE I COULD INTRODUCE? UUGH, YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING! YOU'RE GONNA DIE AN OLD MAID...AND I'M NEVAH GONNA HAVE GRANDCHILDREN. YOU'RE KILLING ME, YOU KNOW. I HAVE TO SIT DOWN, I'M GETTING THE ANGINA. SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME? WHERE DID I GO WRONG..."
I'M GOING TO, UM- GO DO...STUFF...SOMEWHERE...ELSE
CRAPPY CHANUKAH DAY 4 WRATHKETEERS!
OH MY GOYIM- HERE COMES EVERY OLD LADIES FAVOURITE...
IT'S A WOOL SWEATER....AWWW AND ITS GOT A LITTLE MENORAH ON IT.
COME HERE LET ME SEE, TURN AROUND...AWWW.
(WARNING: DEEP TISSUES DAMAGE FROM AGRESSIVE CHEEK PINCHING AND ITCHINESS MAY OCCUR WHEN WORN.)
Current mood: OY! TO THE WORLD
CRAPPY CHANUKAH DAY 3 WRATHKETEERS!
TONIGHT'S GIFT (drumroll.........)
OH YES...DIG THOSE CHANUKAH MAN-PANTIES
WELL...I FEEL AWKWARD
YOU CAN GET THIS & OTHER WILD WACKY & RACY JUDAICA GIFTS AT http://www.jewishfashionconspiracy.com/
SEASONS GREETINGS WRATHKETEERS!
HERE AT SKWERL CENTRAL WE CELEBRATE HANNUKAH, CHRISTMAS & KWANZAA...AND SINCE THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I'M BUYING GIFTS FOR ALL OF YOU MAY I PRESENT:
VIRTUAL HANNUKAH GIFT, DAY 1:
HOPE THEY FIT OK!
THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS THIS CHRISTMAS FROM SUCKING AS BAD AS PREVIOUS YEARS IS THAT I DON'T HAVE TO OBSESS OVER "DID HE GET ME SOMETHING? "WILL HE LIKE THIS?" "WILL I SEE HIM?" "DOES HE REALLY CARE?"
(CUE THE TENT REVIVAL MUSIC...)
'CAUSE I AIN'T WITH THAT OR ANY OTHER SELFISH MOTHERFUCKER THIS YEAR- ALLA-FUCKING-LOOOYA
(CAN I HAVE AN AMEN!)
I DONE PUT UP THE CHRISTMAS TREES: ONE IN MY LIVING ROOM, ONE IN MY BEDROOM.
LIGHTS ON THE HOUSE
(AMEN SISTER SKWERL)
PIMP LIGHTS ON MY WORKSPACE
I HAVE GOTTEN THE SWIRLY OF DESPAIR!
I HAVE WRESTLED WITH THE LAWN GNOMES OF LONELIENESS
I HAVE OVERCOME!
(PREACH IT SISTER SKWERL)
I AIN'T STICKIN' MY HEAD IN THE TOILET OF DEPAIR WAITIN FOR THE SWIRLY, OH YESS-AH
I BEAT DOWN THE DAMN LONELY GNOMES! I AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT NO MORE!
I CAN BE BAD ALLLLL BY MY DAMN SELF, I DON'T NEED YOU LYING, AMIBIVALENT, COULDN'T FIND YOUR ASS WITH BOTH HANDS- LET ALONE FIND A DAMN FINE WOMAN LIKE ME, CLUELESS DOUCHEBAGS- YA HEAR! DON'T NEED YA!
THE RIGHT ONE IS-A-ON HIS WAAAY-YA
AND WE GONNA HAVE A BLAST-AAH
THERE WILL BE RATED NC-17 FUN-AAH
AND ADAM SANDLER MOVIES-AH
AND YOU WILL BE THE KILLER OF SPIDERSSS, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!
GIVE A SKWERL AN AMEN
THE FIRST SNOW HAS FALLEN!
A QUICKY SNOW SQUALL PASSED OVER THE DEATHSTAR, GETTING IT ALL CHRISTMASSY.
I HAVE RESPONDED IN KIND BY PIMPING MY CUBE...WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF JR. WRATHKETEER CLAUDIA. THE CHARLIE BROWN LITES AWAIT MANAGEMENT APPROVAL PRIOR TO THE CUBE LIGHTING FESTIVITIES.
FELIZ NAVIDAD WRATHKETEERS! THE SKWERLY ONE
GLORIOUS DECEMBER GREETINGS WRATHKETEERS! WELCOME TO THE LAST MONTH OF 2006.
TODAY MY RANT IS OF PARTICULAR INTEREST TO THE LADIES. AS MOST OF YOU KNOW WOMEN HAVE BREASTS. SOME ARE LARGE, SOME SMALL- SOME NONE AT ALL. WE CALL THE LATTER GROUP NICOLE RITCHIE. I FALL INTO THE FIRST CATEGORY- AND THEY ARE OEM (ORIGINAL EQUIPMENT MAMMARIES.)
FOR THE MOST PART WE WOMEN LIKE OUR BOOBS, AND IF NOT WE CAN TAKE THEM TO THE BOOB MECHANIC FOR AFTERMARKET PARTS, ADJUSTMENTS OR REMOVABLE ENHANCEMENTS.
REMARKABLE THINGS THOSE BREASTISSIS ARE: THEY HOLD UP OUR SHIRTS, CAN CAMOFLAGE OTHER LESS PLEASING ATTRIBUTES LIKE STUPIDITY, LURE MEN TO THEIR DOOM/MARRIAGE & THEY MAKE FOOD FOR BABIES. A WONDER OF INTELLIGENT DESIGN, FORM & FUNCTION.
THEY DO HAVE ONE DESIGN FLAW. WHAT GRINDS MY GEARS IS THAT WE CAN PUT A MAN ON THE MOON, GROW EARS ON MICE AND MAKE A CELEBRITY OUT OF PARIS HILTON...BUT NOT A COMFORTABLE, PRACTICAL AND ATTRACTIVE CONTRIVANCE TO HOLD THEM UP.
PLACES LIKE VICTORIA'S SECRET & CACIQUE 'SAY' THEY HAVE THE ANSWER TO OUR MAMMARIAN WOES... IF YOU'LL GIVE THEM $40-50. SO WE DO, ONLY TO BE MET WITH DISAPPOINTMENT & DISCOMFORT.
AS I WRITE THIS BLOGIFIED RANT, I HAVE HAD TO STOP 6 TIMES TO READJUST THE TWINS' SATIN TRIMMED SPANDEX CAGES. GRANTED, I COULD GO WITHOUT...AND HAVE TO USE A WHEELBARROW TO LUG MY BOOBS AROUND IN 10 YEARS. I COULD GET A REDUCTION...BUT WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT? I WOULD HAVE TO MAKE *INTELLIGENT* CONVERSATION & CARRY MY OWN GROCERIES- FUCK THAT SHIT!
SO I'M PUTTING OUT A CHALLENGE TO ALL THE UNDERWEAR DESIGNERS OUT THERE: MAKE THE WORLD A PERKY PLACE BY REINVENTING THE BRASSIERE TO BE COMFORTABLE AS IT IS PRETTY. WE PUT OUR BOOBS IN YOUR HANDS, DON'T DISAPPOINT US!
LA SKWERLITA- OLE!
GOBBLE GOBBLE WRATHKETEERS! i BRING GREETINGS OF TURKEY & PIE TO ALL!!
THIS WEEKS NEWS HAS BEEN PUNCTUATED WITH MEN BEHAVING BADLY...BY MEN I MEAN O.J. SIMPSON & MICHAEL RICHARDS.
THE STINKY FIST OF JOURNALISM GAVE US A DOUBLE DONKEY PUNCH OF BAD TASTE AND RACISM- MORTON DOWNEY JR. WOULD BE PROUD.
LETS START WITH THE LESSER OF 2 EVILS- MICHAEL RICHARDS WENT COMPLETELY BATSHIT ON STAGE WHEN A YOUNG BLACK MAN HECKLED HIM. AS A COMEDIAN AND AN ACTOR I IMAGINE HE HAS SOME EXPERIENCE WITH ROUGH CROWDS, IMPROVISATION & INSULTS. INSTEAD OF CALLING THE YOUNG MAN OUT ON HIS NAME & EVERYTHING BUT A CHILD OF GOD...HE CHOSE THE N WORD. NOT ONCE, BUT REPEATEDLY.
WHAT AN ASSHOLE. BUT IT GETS WORSE...THE VENERABLE GLORIA ALLRED- NOT ONE TO PASS UP A PHOTO-OP RAN TO THE YOUNG MANS RESCUE AND IS NOW SUING RICHARDS BECAUSE HE MADE HER CLIENT FEAR FOR HIS SAFETY. I FIND THAT HARD TO SWALLOW...SINCE HER CLIENT IS A RATHER STRAPPING YOUNG MAN WHO COULD SNAP THE ICHABOD CREANE PHYSIQUE THAT RICHARDS SPORTS LIKE A CANDY CANE. I HOPE HER CLIENT REALIZES HE JUST MADE HIM LOOK AS WUSSY, AS RICHARDS LOOKS RACIST. LET ME KNOW HOW THAT WORKS FOR YOU PAL.
I MISS THE GOOD OLD DAYS, WHERE THE WRONG-DOER WOULD GO AND APOLOGIZE TO THE WRONGED...WHO WOULD POP HIM IN THE NOSE OR GUT- THEN THEY GO OUT FOR A BEER, AS IF THEY WERE OLD COLLEGE BUDS. ALL IS FORGIVEN, AND A NEW FRIENDSHIP IS MADE. I CALL THAT "MAN JUSTICE."
WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE GREATER EVIL- AQUITTED WIFE BEATING MURDERER O.J. SIMPSON...AND HIS NEW BOOK "IF I DID IT- THIS IS HOW I WOULD GO ABOUT IT"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? NO REALLY- HAVE YOU LOST YOUR PSYCO KILLER MIND? JOHNNY COCHRANE IS TURNING OVER IN HIS GRAVE!
DUDE- YOU WERE AQUITTED, AND JEOPARDY IS ATTACHED- JUST ADMIT IT, OK? DON'T TRAUMATIZE YOUR CHILDREN (WHO NO DOUBT MISS THEIR MOM- THAT YOU BEHEADED) AND THE GOLDMAN FAMILY (YOU WANT TO SEE YOU BURNED ALIVE.) HAVEN'T THEY SUFFERED ENOUGH? CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY...YOU GOT AWAY WITH MURDER...DON'T GET GREEDY AND TRY TO CASH IN YOU SELFISH BASTARD.
YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE, ASSHOLE. "WAAAH, I NEEDED THE MONEY" ONLY WORKS FOR STRIPPERS IN COLLEGE & TEENAGERS BOOSTING CAR RADIOS- NOT MILLION DOLLAR BOOK DEALS AND A SHILL INTERVIEW.
AT LEAST FOX BROADCASTING SAW THE LIGHT AND CANCELLED- EVEN THEIR OWN FOX NEWS NETWORK BOYCOTTED IT, AT RISK TO THEIR OWN CAREERS. AT LEAST THEIR IS SOME DIGNITY LEFT IN JOURNALISM.
AT THIS POINT THE PORN BUSINESS IS LOOKS MORE & MORE WHOLESOME, DOESN'T IT?
HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL!
EVERYDAY YOU WAKE UP ON THIS SIDE OF THE DIRT IS A GOOD DAY.
MAN WHO HAS FOOT IN MOUTH, HAS BREATH THAT SMELLS OF CORNCHIPS.
RUNNING WITH SCISSORS IS OK, FALLING ON THEM...NOT SO GREAT.
YOUR BLIND DATE IS ONLY AS BAD AS THE WINDOW IN THE LAVATORY IS SMALL.
THE BIGGER THE SEX TALK, THE SMALLER THE ACTION.
THE ANSWER TO ANGER IS BUNNIES.
JOB GOT YOU DOWN? A SCHMEAR OF CRISCO ON THE DOOR HANDLE AT WORK MAKES FOR HOURS OF ENTERTAINMENT.
NEVER STARE INTO A *SOLAR* ECLIPSE, HOWEVER, THE LUNAR KIND- GO NUTS.
CRAPPY JOB? IT'S THE TINFOIL HAT FACTION THAT MAKES UP FOR THE LACK OF PAY, BENEFITS & VACATION DAYS.
IT'S ONLY AS FUNNY AS IT IS PAINFUL TO THE OTHER GUY.
IT'S NOVEMBER WRATHKETEERS- DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
ITS MOTHERFUCKING GIRL SCOUT COOKIE TIME!!!
I GOT ME MY THIN MINTS, SAMOA'S (NOW KNOWN AS CARAMEL DELITES) SOME THANKS-A-LOTS. I AM DOING A HAPPY DANCE IN MY CUBE WITH A SAMOA IN MY MOUTH AS WE SPEAK.
LIKE THE MIGHTY & MAJESTIC SQUIRREL...I WILL STORE THE PRECIOUS BOOTY AT HOME, AND FREEZE THEM- SO THAT I MAY PORTION THEM OUT UNTIL THE NEXT COOKIE DAY.
IT'S ELECTION DAY WRATHKETEERS!
SO SHUT YOU'RE NOISEHOLES AND VOTE!
IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO TO VOTE FOR...VOTE OUT THE INCUMBENTS.
WE CAN'T LET POLITICIANS GET TOO COZY!
LOOK AT MY HOME STATE OF JERSEY: IT'S A FUCKING MESS
TAKE IT FROM THE SKWERL- DON'T BE LIKE NEW JERSEY- SPREAD THE PLAGUE & FUCKING VOTE!
I AM THE SKWERL AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
(PAID FOR BY THE ALMIGHTY CHURCH OF FOAMY- WRATHKETEERIAN SYNOD.)
APPARENTLY THE GODS OF T3H INT3RW3BS DISAPPROVE OF MY SELF IMPOSED FREEDOM...AND DELETED THE ENTIRE POST.
WELL MR INTERWEB/AL GORE/BILL GATES: I HAVE NOT CHANGED MY POSITION. I STILL FEEL THAT THOSE WHO TRULY CARE FOR ME, TAKE ME AS I AM. THOSE WHO DO NOT & WANT ME TO CHANGE FOR THEIR BENEFIT DO NOT CARE FOR ME, AND I WILL NOT BEND TO THEIR WILL. IF THE FRESH AIR OF MY INTELLECT BURNS THEIR LUNGS, MAYBE THEY SHOULD SEEK THE STUFFINESS THEY CRAVE ELSEWHERE...FOR THEY WILL NOT FIND IT WITH ME.
SO THERETHE SKWERL HAS SPOKEN
YET ANOTHER CRAIG'S LIST GEM....I DO BELIEVE THIS WOMAN IS MY LONG LOST TWIN- GOOD LUCK SISTER FROM ANOTHER MISTER!
I mean, DAMN.
On a first date: I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation. In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear) I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone. I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it". I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat. I may call you the following day. I may not. On the second date: I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding). We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke. I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex. Yes, I just typed all of that. Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly... YOU MUST BE of the caucasian persuasion funny loquacious driven single (that means not LEGALLY married) under 38 over 23 not a baby-daddy drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking) sarcastic well-mannered, for appearances able to leave work at work. this implies employment educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count) NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway. I AM... Over one-night stands. I'm not in college anymore, and thank God Girls Gone Wild never visited back in my hay-day. Very comfortable in my skin. Unafraid. Equally unashamed. Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status. Able to say "no" and scream "yes". Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty TOGETHER, WE WILL bowl play trivia act like raging dickheads in public establishments giggle at midgets fornicate regularly discuss books drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will. Often laugh at others and harder at ourselves one-up eachother WE WILL NOT involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine. yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset be dishonest care what everyone else thinks do any activity with one another's family more than once a month act like something doesn't bother us, when it does throw low-blows in times of frustration Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of man, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at... I'm not fat. I'm not the healthiest individual, but I'm not a walking heart attack. If you appear to be more than 2.5 months pregnant, don't respond I have my original 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond. If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should sit this one out. I'm short. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your girth does not exceed your height. I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well. Bring your A-game, bitches.
MYSPACE SAYS I HAVE NO FRIENDS WHEN I LOG IN....THE FUCK I DON'T.
IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU ARE MY FRIEND OR...
1. AN ANGRY LONER,
2. UNEMPLOYED & OUT OF PORN,
3. THE PARENT OF SMALL COLICKY CHILDREN
4. A DEATHSTAR TELCO MINION, ALSO KNOW AS COWORKERS,
5. NEW TO AMERICA, AND WANT TO BE LERNINK THE AMERICAN TALKIE TALK.
FOR THE LAST GROUP IS SAY: HELLO WELCOME TO AMERICA......PLEASE STOP STEALING MY NEWSPAPER, AND GET A JOB.
NOW BACK TO SPREADING YOUR WRATH, Y'AL
OK, OK- NOW THAT EVERYONE THAT PEES STANDING UP IS PISSED AT ME...I GET IT.IT'S MY FAULT I GET HURT...I SHOULD KNOW BETTER. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
FOR THOSE WHO KNOW ME IN THE REAL WORLD, THE GENERAL CONSENSUS IS THAT I'M PRETTY NICE. EVEN TOO NICE...PRACTICALLY A DOORMAT. I DON'T HAVE IT IN ME TO BE A RAVING BITCH ON FIRE- NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE GOTTEN HURT I TREAT EVERY NEW PERSON IN MY LIFE WITH LOVE AND RESPECT.
I'D LIKE THE SAME IN RETURN. I DON'T LIKE TO BE USED AS AN EMOTIONAL TAMPON, AND I RETURN THE FAVOUR.
I DON'T CHASE BAD BOYS...I AVOID THEM LIKE THEY WERE TELEMARKETERS.
I DON'T VIEW A NEW MAN IN MY LIFE AS A D-I-Y PROJECT...AS I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE EITHER.
IF THAT WAS THE CASE I WOULD SIT ON A SHELF AT HOME DEPOT WITH A LABEL STATING "EMOTIONALLY CHALLENGED NIGHT-OWL, WITH FEARS OF INTIMACY, TOO SMART FOR HER OWN GOOD- $49.95, NOW AVAILABLE IN BLONDE!!! LIMIT ONE PER CUSTOMER"
ACCEPT ONE ANOTHER FOR ALL OF YOUR FLAWS AND OFFERINGS. WE'RE ALL DIFFERENT BY DESIGN FOR GOOD REASON. WE ALL HAVE DEEP SEATED ISSUES- MOST OF WHICH STEM FROM CHILDHOOD THEN GET MUTATED THROUGH THE VERY PROCESS OF GROWING UP.
WE'RE ALL BROKEN ROBOTS.
DER WUNDER-EICHHÖRNCHEN (SKWERL)
I BEAR WRATHY SALUTATIONS, WRATHKETEERS.
I HAVE HAD IT WITH MUSICIANS!!! (EXCEPT BASS & LUTE PLAYERS, YOU GUYS ARE OK IN MY BOOK.) AS FOR THE REST OF YOU- GO TO HELL.
I CAN REMEMBER THE 1ST MUSICIAN TO BREAK MY HEART...WE WERE IN MARCHING BAND- HE PLAYED TRUMPET. THEN THERE WERE SOME DRUMMERS, SINGERS, GUITARISTS- BASTARDS!!!!! I CURSE YOU AND YOUR GYRATING HIPS, YOUR SIREN CALL,YOUR PRIMAL RHYTHMS STIRRING WITHING MY VERY CORE. (WHOA, GOTTA STOP RIGHT THERE)
I STOPPED GOING TO SHOWS, GUITAR CENTRE, FREEHOLD MUSIC & SAM ASH BECAUSE OF YOU...YOU GUYS COME AFTER ME LIKE I WAS A RECORD EXECUTIVE WITH A GENEROUS CONTRACT. (HEY, YOU'RE CUTE- WANNA HANG OUT? BE MY MUSE? COULD YOU PROOFREAD MY WRITING, LOAN ME MONEY?)
GOD FORBID I SHOW INTEREST IN RETURN- THE ERRONEOUS PERCEPTION THAT I AM A DOORMAT OR ATM WILL BE THE LAST MISTAKE YOU MAKE WITH ME.
WHAT THE FUCK?
YOU WANT TO BE MY FRIEND- GREAT! WE ALL NEED FRIENDS.
DON'T WANT TO BE A FRIEND? THEN SAY SO...THEN LOSE MY NUMBER- I SHAN'T SPEAK WITH YOU EVER AGAIN.
DO YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE? TELL ME...I'LL LISTEN.
IF I FEEL THE SAME, I WILL RECIPROCATE...AND TELL YOU SO.
NO GAMES, NO BULLSHIT...YOU LUCKY DOG!
I'M PRETTY LOW MAINTENANCE, I EXPECT THE SAME. (BY THE WAY: I'M NOT ZERO MAINTENANCE, I DO EXPECT TO SPEND TIME HAVING NON-NEKKID FUN. SEX GETS OLD AFTER A WHILE, YOU SHOULD HAVE THE ABILITY TO HAVE A CONVERSATION OR AT LEAST SOME KIND OF POST-COITAL ACTIVITY- NOT JUST ME COOKING. HOW ABOUT WE WATCH THE GAME AT THE BAR?)
MY DOG HAS TO LIKE YOU. HE IS A BETTER JUDGE OF CHARACTER THAN I. IF YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, HE WILL KNOW- THEN HE WILL PROBABLY ATTACK, AND I CANNOT BREAK HIS GRIP. GOOD LUCK!
IF YOU WANT TO BORROW MONEY OR MY CAR- FUCK YOURSELF DIAGONAL, BRAH...I AIN'T YOUR STEADY PAYCHECK WITH TITS.
I HAVE GOT A BIT OF A COLD THIS WEEKEND, THAT HAS LEFT ME WITH A SMOOTH & VELVETY VOICE THAT SOUNDS A BIT LIKE KATHLEEN TURNER.
THOSE OF YOU LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE TO REPORT A DOWNED T3 OR HIGHER CIRCUIT WILL MOST LIKELY GET GREETED WITH A SULTRY "THANK YOU FOR CALLING LOCAL DEATHSTAR REPAIR, HOW MAY I HELP YOU?"ALTHOUGH I'M A BIT HEADACHY, THIS IS MY FAVOURITE KIND OF MALAISE...SINCE EVERY WORD THAT PASSES MY LIPS REEKS OF DOUBLE-ENTENDRE AND RAW SENSUALITY...NOT AT ALL THE USUAL PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE MIDWESTERN HOUSEWIFE TELEPHONE PERSONAE THAT I NORMALLY WRAP MYSELF IN AT WORK.
(PLEASE NOTE: OUR LADY OF SKWERL IS NOT FROM THE MIDWEST, IS NOT MARRIED, HAS NO KIDS AND IS FOR THE MOST PART CANTANKEROUS- NOT PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE- AND DOES NOT ENDORSE ANY TYPE OF BEHAVIOUR OTHER THAN RAW, UNCHECKED HOSTILITY.)
IN OTHER NEWS: THIS WEEKEND WAS A COMPLETE AND TOTAL MINDFUCK...IF ANYONE BITCHES I WORK TOO MANY WEEKENDS EVER AGAIN, I WILL CUT A SWITCH AND BEAT YOU LIKE AN UNRULY SERF! THERE WAS NO MISCHIEF & MAYHEM FOR SKWERL, ONLY A FEW SHOTS WITH AN OLD & DEAR FRIEND. THE LARGE SCARY MAN WITH THE UNFORTUNATE TEETH WAS THERE TOO, AS WAS SKINNY YAPPITY LADY, CREEPY STARING MAN AND THE TOO-DAMN-MUCH-COLOGNE FACTION WAS ALSO IN ATTENDANCE. TRULY, IT WAS A MICROCOSM OF WHAT WILL MOST LIKELY SURVIVE A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST. (ARTIST HANS & HIS OUTRAGEOUS ACCENT WAS THERE AS WELL.)
I WAS HOME BY 2330...YOU GOT TO PACE YOURSELF, YOU KNOW.
- (courtesy of 2spare.com)
- Operator! Give me the number for 911!
- Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
- Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
- Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
- I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
- Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
- Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
- Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
- Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
- Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
- You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
- Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
- When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
- Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
- I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
- [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
- What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
- Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
- The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
- When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
- I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
- Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
- I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
- Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
- Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
- I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
- Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
- Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
- How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
- Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
- Homer no function beer well without.
- I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
- Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
- If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
- I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.
- I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
- [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.'
- All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
- Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
- But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
- I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
- Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.
- That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
- Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
- If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing
- I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
- 'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?
WAWA IS CLOSED
A SKWERL HAS NO COFFEE
NO FRIENDLY SMILE FROM THE WAWA LADY.
I AM SAD.
I AM FILLED WITH A SNOOZY MALAISE, THAT A STEAMY CUP OF COFFEE CAN FILL (WITH A BUTTERED ROLL)
THERE IS NO COFFEE
BUT LO': A STUBBLY HEADED ANGEL BRINGS MANNA FROM...BP, AND DORITOS TOO!
NEVERMIND- THERE IS NO COFFEE
THE SKWERL IS SAD
TONIGHT, WE FEAST LIKE...COLLEGE STUDENTS!
TO THE VENDING MACHINE!!!!
COFFEE- MIRACLE ELIXIR OF LIFE
MEN THAT ARE FUNNY HAHA, NOT FUNNY TRUNK FULL OF MANNEQUIN PARTS
CHUCK TAYLORS- STYLIN' SINCE 1917- LOVE THEM CHUCKS!
SLUTTY EGGS- THANX CHRIS
BIKER JACKETS, TATTOOS, GOATEES, AND THE NON-ASSHOLISH MEN WHO WEAR THEM W/CHUCK TAYLORS
SAMUEL L JACKSON
BOXING- NOTHING HOTTER THAN 2 GROWN MEN BEATING THE PISS OUT OF EACH OTHER.
WATCHING SPORTS IN A BAR
THE HISTORY CHANNEL
THAT HOT GUY I KNOW
HITTING STUPID PEOPLE WITH A ROLLED UP NEWS PAPER.
NATALIE DEE COMICS (AND DREW'S TOO)
CERTAIN PEOPLE WHO DON'T SUCK
IF I THINK OF ANY MORE- I'LL LET YOU KNOW
I AM READY.
SO HERE IS THE FALL EDITION OF SHIT THAT ANNOYS THE HELL OUT OF ME, WHATEVER THE TITLE IS.
POLITICIANS,POLITICAL ADS,PUNDITS- WTF IS A PUNDIT?
ANDERSON COOPER- SORRY BRAH, YOU'RE NOT THAT RUGGED. NOW PUT AWAY THE KEVLAR VEST & GET ME WOLF BLITZER.
CNN CORRESPONDENTS HAVING KEVLAR VESTS, BUT POLICE & MILITARY PERSONNEL DO NOT. (HANDY HINT- USE EXCESS REPORTERS TO DEFLECT BULLETS)
EXCESSIVE & HIGHLY PAID SCHOOL ADMINISTRATION, NOT ENOUGH & POORLY PAID TEACHING STAFF...HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN?
MY DESK CHAIR- MY ASS HAS KILLED THE SQUISHINESS- DAMN
SOFA KING WE TODD IT
BURGER KING- IF I WOKE UP WITH THE MASCOT, I WOULD HAVE A HEART ATTACK.
HOWEVER- STEPHEN KING & STEPHEN COLBERT ARE THE SHIZ
THE MEAN VENDING MACHINE AT WORK- GIVE ME MY JERKY YA BASTARD!
THE DOUCHEBAG AT THE DOG PARK- NO I DON'T WANT MY DOGGIE TO FIGHT YOUR PITBULL ASSHOLE, PLEASE KILL YOURSELF, FOR HUMANITIES SAKE.
THE WORD "KUDOS" IT SOUNDS LIKE A SKIN ERUPTION
WELL THERE IS PLENTY MORE...BUT I'M TIRED
WHO NEED A BEATIN'
WITH BLUNT OBJECTS
GET YA HANDS UP
IT'S YA BIRFDAY
SHAKE YA GROOVE TING
BEATIN'S FO ASSHOLES
CHECK, CHECK, 1-2, CHECK 1-2 IS THIS THING ON?
ALLLLLRIGHTY THEN... THIS IS THE QUICK BEATIN' LIST
1.) FORMER NJ GOV, JIM MCGREEVEY...IN ORDER TO AVOID AN INVESTIGATION IN STATE WIDE CORRUPTION, HE QUIT BECAUSE HE WAS SICK OF LEADING A DOWN-LOW DOUBLE LIFE...WTF? LAST I CHECKED HOMOSEXUALITY ISN'T A CHARACTER FLAW, LIKE BEING A MORALLY AMBIVALENT, LYING, TWO-TIMING ASSHOLE IS. WHAT MAKES IT MORE TRAGIC IS THAT HIS WIFE HAD NO CLUE, AND THERE WAS A CHILD BORN DURING HIS CAMPAIGN. OUR STATE, THE GAY COMMUNITY & HIS FAMILY HAD TO SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS FAILURE TO BE HONEST WITH HIMSELF, AND RESIST THE SEDUCTION OF POLITICAL CORRUPTION.
2.) THE NEW YORK TIMES: YOUR SUNDAY EDITION IS FAR TOO HEAVY, & YOUR CROSSWORDS ARE WAY TOO HARD. HOW ABOUT A BEGINNER & INTERMEDIATE CROSSWORD TOO? WE'RE NOT ALL STEVEN HAWKING, YOU KNOW.
3.) TEAM INCOMPETENT....YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE...AND I'M WATCHING.
4.) THE NDN'S (NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOURS): JEEBUS- BUY THE BOY A FUCKING ALARM CLOCK, ITS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE EMOTIONAL SCARS YOUR DAILY VERBAL ABUSE IS CAUSING. BTW: AT SOME POINT THE BOY WHOM YOU CALLED A "FUCKING PUSSY" WILL BE A STRONG, YET HORMONAL TEENAGER, AND WILL HAVE SOME INPUT ON HOW YOU ARE TO SPEND YOUR GOLDEN YEARS...FULL BODY TRACTION IN A CUT RATE NURSING HOME FEATURED ON DATELINE DOESN'T SOUND LIKE PARADISE TO ME.
5.) PEOPLE WHO MOCK MY DESKTOP SANTERIA SHRINE: TECHS DON'T FIX PHONE LINES & SWITCH LOW SPEED CARDS TO PROTECT- THE POWER OF MR POTATOHEAD & THE MAGIC 8-BALL DOES. SPONGEBOB THE PIRATE DIFFUSES POTENTIAL ESCALATIONS- THE "EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANS" PICTURE IS JUST FUNNY, AND HAS NO MYSTICAL POWER...UNLIKE THE TAROT CARDS IN MY DESK- WHICH DO.
SHABBAT SHALOM TO MY HEBREW HOMIES- AND A HAPPY ROSH HASHANAH & YOM KIPPUR TO ALL
shit, I think I pissed myself.
no, really- I think I pissed myself
10 things to do with a psych degree...other than wiping your ass with it.
Graduating with a bachelor's degree in psychology does not have to mean that you will end up bartending or waiting tables after college graduation.
Here are 10 careers you could obtain with a bachelor's degree in psychology.
10. With a minor in business, you could become a research analyst. Research analysts work closely with the management of corporations to gather, analyze and interpret the data that companies use to market their products.
9. You could also work as a statistical assistant. Much like research analysts, you will collect and analyze data and review it for accuracy, consistency and completeness.
8. You could work as a sales person selling anything from insurance to advertising space in magazines.
7. A career as a drug and alcohol counselor might be in the cards if you feel that you could guide people suffering the long-term effects of substance abuse.
6. Perhaps you could become a juvenile justice worker. As such, you will address the behavioral problems of young people and help prepare them to live and work on their own. You'll serve as both a teacher and role model in this career.
5. Help high school students choose a college, or lead freshmen through the university system as a college admissions counselor. Admissions counselors make decisions about whom to enroll in their schools and whom to award scholarships. They also guide students through the transition from high school to college.
4. You could work in childcare and work with young children at a daycare center.
3. If you work as a group home counselor, you will be responsible for the care and supervision of people in a homelike setting. Counselors assist with planning activities, budgeting and organization of the home.
2. Consider finding work as a teacher's aide. This is an excellent way to get hands-on experience with kids and a way to look into teaching as a career. Teaching assistants help teachers coordinate daily activities, help with troublesome children or tutor students who need additional instruction.
1. The number-one thing to do with a psychology degree is to further your education by going on to earn a master's or doctorate to allow you to practice your skills in a clinical setting.
Or do what I did with my B.S. of Telecommunications...get obscenely drunk every month when you make out your student loan check, then wipe your ass with it.Or you can bartend...near a college...then laugh your ass off at the psych & telecom majors. Then start an anger-based cult & blog about it.
THIS IS SNN- THE SKWERLY NEWS NETWORK...PRESENTED TO YOU IN SHANNO-VISION- COMMENTARY IN BLUE.
73 YEARS OLD...AND STILL TOKES THE WACKY TOBACKY.
WILLIE NELSON CITED FOR MARIJUANA POSSESION
LAFAYETTE, La. - Willie Nelson and four others were issued misdemeanor citations for possession of illegal mushrooms and marijuana after a traffic stop Monday morning on a Louisiana highway, state police said. NOT HIS 1ST OFFENSE
The citations were issued after a commercial vehicle inspection of the country music star's tour bus, state police said in a news release.
"When the door was opened and the trooper began to speak to the driver, he smelled the strong odor of marijuana," the news release said. A search of the bus produced 1 1/2 pounds of marijuana and slightly more than three ounces of illegal mushrooms. IT REEKED OF PATCHOULI, OLD SPICE & STANKY HYDROPONIC THAI WEED, THE OFFICER WAS PLACED ON MEDICAL LEAVE DUE TO THE CONTACT HIGH.
There were enough drugs to merit a felony charge of distribution if they had been found in one person's possession, state police spokesman Willie Williams said. But all five claimed the drugs as their own and the drugs were not packaged for resale, so each was charged with misdemeanors, he said. All were released after the citations were issued. BUT NOT FOR WILLIE, CUZ THAT HOW HE ROLLS- CHILLIN' IN HIS PIMPADELIC MOTO CRIB WITH HIS HOMIES
Nelson's publicist, Elaine Schock, said she would have no comment Monday. HARD TO TALK WITH A BONG IN YOUR MOUTH
Also cited were Tony Sizemore, 59, of St. Cloud, Fla.; Bobbie Nelson, 75, of Briarcliff, Texas; Gates Moore, 54, of Austin, Texas; and David Anderson, 50, of Dallas. UNDERAGE ON WILLIE'S BUS MEANS THEY'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO JOIN AARP OR ORDER FROM THE SENIOR MENU AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE.
Nelson, 73, has recorded songs including "On the Road Again" and "City of New Orleans." COINCEDENTALLY HE WAS SEARCHED ON THE ROAD- AGAIN, NEAR THE CITY OF NEW ORLEANS.
GOD, I LOVE WILLIE NELSON!
NOT TOTALLY SURE WHY EITHER. WORK IS STILL WORK, SIDEKICK & WRATHKETEER CHRISTINE MAKE THIS PLACE BEARABLE...AND ENTERTAINING. ONLINE CHATTERING WITH THAT KEWL GUY MAKES THE TIME PASS QUICKER, AND GETS THE BLOOD PRESSURE UP ;-). MY DOG IS STILL DOGGIE, THE SKWERLS ARE STILL SQUIRRELLY, DR. EVIL & MR. BIGGLESWORTH ARE THE WEIRDEST CATS KNOWN TO MAN. MY MOM IS STILL RIDING THE SHORT BUS OF BLONDITUDE...HER BEST PAL SHERRY IS STILL A WILLING ACCOMPLICE. PRAISE THE LORD, MY EX'S ARE STILL EX'S!
SO WHY AM I IN A FUNK? CRAPPY JOB, LACK OF CONSISTENT SEX- GAS PRICES?
METHINKS I AM ENTERING A TRANSITIONAL PHASE BY CRUISING THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL OF ADULTHOOD. I PAY MY BILLS, KEEP A JOB & DO MY ROOTS- GARBAGE GOES OUT EVERY WEDNESDAY MORNING WHEN I GET HOME. I'M LOSING WEIGHT STEADILY, EATING BETTER, RESTING WHEN NEEDED AND EXCERSIZING. THE ETERNA-AFGHAN IS COMING ALONG NICELY.
NEVERMIND...I FEEL A LITTLE BETTER NOW. I GUESS I JUST NEEDED TO VENT.
In an effort to be more informed and less likely to become just another number I present to female Foaminions...
THE 5 BIGGEST LIES MEN TELL, AND A FEW SIGNS TO WATCH FOR
She's just a friend
Is there a strange woman answering his phone? Sleeping on his couch? Spending late nights with him? She probably is a "friend"…but one who he also occasionally sleeps with. Men tell this lie because they want to get the most they possibly can out of all the women in their lives. The "friend" is not good enough to be a girlfriend…but he doesn't want to end things with her completely in case things don't work out with you.
I'm ready to settle down
There are two reasons men who are actually not ready to settle down say they are. One is that they think you want to hear it. They assume women are only interested in men looking for a wife and babies, so they say whatever they think will help get them laid. The other reason men say they want to settle down is because they genuinely believe they want to settle down… until they are in the position to actually make the commitment. Then they may suddenly decide it's not what they wanted after all.
It's not you, it's me
Sometimes it really is you. Men aren't as accomplished as women at the fine art of polite conflict resolution. Where a woman might feel comfortable telling a man she's not interested, men are much more afraid of direct communication. When he says, "It's not you, it's me," he's really saying "I'm just not that into you." Take it for what it is and move on.
It was a one-time thing
When men are exposed as cheaters, the first excuse they offer is that is was a "one-time thing." In reality, cheating is usually a pattern of behavior that is rooted in much more than a one-time lapse of judgment. If your man cheats and swears it will never happen again, don't just take him at his word. You just can't trust that he'll be honest about something he's already lied to you about.
I'd never lie to you
Even the "good" guys (and "good" girls), stretch the truth sometimes. Whether it's his answer to "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" or his praise for your mother's meatloaf, chances are, he's told you more than a few white lies. Most of these fudges of truth are meant to protect your feelings and don't necessarily reflect his commitment to an honest, open relationship.
There may be a problem, though, if your man continually asserts how honest he is. If he frequently makes a big deal of assuring you that he'd never lie to you, it may be a sign that he's overcompensating for dishonesty.
Other lies to watch out for:
I'll call you
When a man says "I'll call you," we tend to think he means he'll call within the next few days. But for a man, "I'll call you," just means that he'll talk to you again sometime before he dies.
I just got tested
"Trust me" isn't good enough for your body. If sexual health is important enough for him to "get tested," it's also important enough for him to use a condom anyway.
It's not complicated: he has a girlfriend but wants to sleep with you, too.
I'm not really into porn / strippers / bachelor parties / Paris Hilton
Most women think their man is not that into this kind of thing. Yet the sex industry makes millions every day. You do the math.
Let's talk about it later He's really saying, "Let's end this conversation and never talk about it again."
Now before you go getting up at arms, there are always exceptions to these guidelines, and we women are far from perfect ourselves. Actually- we're fucking crazy. But if a guy is chanting these like a mantra any of these, then it is time to wake the fuck up. If your Spidey-sense is tingling, it does it for a reason.
Listen, learn...if he's a douchebag the signs will be there.
I HAVE CAUGHT A NASTY BUG, INSIDIOUS REALLY. I GOT A CASE OF EXCESSIVE GIRLYNESS.
HOW DO COME TO THIS CONCLUSION. WELL, I DID MY NAILS.
THEN I PUT ON SOME CORRINE BAILEY RAE MUSIC, PERFUME, UGLY SPACKLE ON THE FACE...DID MY MOTHERFUCKING HAIR.
THE IMPENDING FALL IS WHAT BRINGS THIS AFFLICTION TO MY DOORSTEP.
AUTUMN IS THE GIRLIEST OF ALL THE SEASONS. WE DRESS A LITTLE LESS SLUTTY, OPTING FOR SOPHISTICATED CLINGY KNITS. WE LOOSE THE SUMMER PONYTAIL SINCE HEAD SWEAT ISN'T MUCH OF A PROBLEM. THE ACCESSORIES COME OUT WITH THEIR MATCHING JACKETS & BOOTS. SOME OF US START TO PREPARE FOR THE IMPENDING WINTER'S DARK BY PREENING IN ORDER TO CATCH SOME MALE COMPANIONSHIP (OR FEMALE DEPENDING ON WHAT GETS YOU HOT.)
WE FESTOON OUR WOMANLY BOUDOIRS WITH FLUFFY COMFORTERS, ON THE OFF CHANCE WE SNAG A BED PARTNER TO SHARE IT WITH.
I AM NO EXCEPTION, I TIRE OF THE SUMMERY SINGLENESS, AND I NEED TO FIND ME A SUITABLE SPIDER KILLER. I WOULD LIKE TO WAKE NEXT TO SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T GREET OTHERS WITH A COLD WET NOSE TO THE ASS. THERE'S NO RUSH THOUGH...UNLESS THERE IS A SPIDER INVASION.
EVENTUALLY THE EXCESSIVE GIRLYNESS OF FALL BECOMES THE BUTCHY, SENSIBLE CLOTHING & SNOWBOOTS OF WINTER.
HMMM, MAYBE I CAN TRAIN THE DOG TO USE A FLYSWATTER.
CNN HAS TAKEN ON THE ONUS OF NAMING IMAGINARY COUNTRIES.
THIS 40 ACRES OF HEAVEN IS CALLED...WAIT FOR IT...IRAQ-ISTAN
L O FUCKING L
NOW I WANT TO NAME SOME IMAGINARY PLACES TOO.
HERE'S WHAT I CAME UP WITH:
AND MY 2 FAVOURITE PLACES: FOAMINIA & SHANNADU
I NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED DUNDERPATED NUMBSKULLERY
HAPPY TRAILS- THE SKWERL
YA KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO SAY- FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKETY FUCKER!
I AM AT THE END OF MY ROPE, MY FELLOW FOA-MINIONS.
MY TOLERANCE FOR AGGRAVATION, BULLSHIT AND ABJECT BLATHERSKIPERY IS AT AN END.
I AM SO FULL OF FOAMINIAN WRATH & FRUSTRATION- I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I FEEL LIKE THIS.
I AM FULL OF OTHER NEGATIVE EMOTIONS AS WELL, CURRENTLY I FEEL:
AND I MAY EXPLODE OR SOMETHING NASTY LIKE THAT. SO GOODNIGHT & FUCK YOURSELVES, OR NOT- WHATEVER...OH, IM ALSO APATHETIC.
Current mood: UNDERWHELMEDBON MATIN WRATHKETEERS
DUE TO POOR & SUCKY SCHEDULING I AM ON A 4 WEEKEND AT WORK TOUR. THIS WEEK I HAVE WED & THURS NIGHTS OFF.
NOW IF THIS WAS TEN YEARS AGO, I WOULD MOST LIKELY HAVE THE TWINS ON PROMINENT DISPLAY AND MAKING MY WAY THRU THE BETTER PART OF A BOTTLE OF MR. DANIELS FINEST. I WOULD ALSO BE GETTING HIT ON BY VARIOUS CHAVS, DOUCHBAGS & MAYBE ONE WHO I MAY ACTUALLY CALL.
FLASH TO 2006- I AM HOME, ALONE- EXCEPT FOR THE KEWLEST DOG....NO MAN, NO PLANS, AND PARTIALLY CLOTHED MAKING OUT A GROCERY LIST. I SHALL VENTURE OUT SHORTLY TO THE 24 SHOPRITE....AND IT IS RAINING. AND COLD. THE DOG HAS GAS & HIS SNORING SOUNDS AS IF IT COMES FROM THE VERY BOWELS OF HELL.
SINCE MY BOREDOM KNOWS NO BOUNDS I WILL HEAD TO THE STORE FOR THE PRECIOUS BOOTY I MUST PROCURE. I CAN'T LIVE WITH OUT SPICY MUSTARD, SWEET & LOW, WINDEX, FEBREZE & SWIFFER WETJET PADS. I MAY ALSO GET ONE OF THOSE NEVERSCRUB TOILET THINGIES...WAAHOOO.
DOES THE EXCITEMENT EVER END?
SADLY I AM OF UNSOUND MIND. IT HAS BEEN WANDERING WHERE I DON'T WANT IT TO GO. YOU KNOW THOSE DARK EMO-ISH PLACES THAT I HAVE DONE BATTLE WITH SO MANY TIMES.
SOMETIMES I FEEL THAT I AM HAUNTED BY THE PAST, THEN TAUNTED BY THE PRESENT. THEN I GO TO WORK WITH THE HOPES THAT THE STREAM OF WINDOW LICKERS & TELEPHONIC RETARDS CAN DISTRACT ME LONG ENOUGH TO FORGET.
LATELY IT HASN'T WORKED VERY WELL, AS I FIND MYSELF SLIPPING INTO THE CRAPPY JAMMIES OF DESPAIR....OH HOW I LONG FOR THE PERFECT FITTING JEANS OF OK-NESS, AND THE CHUCK TAYLORS OF HAPPY WRATHFULNESS AND THE MATCHING HOODIE OF FUCK OFF-ITY.
MAYBE I JUST NEED A NIGHT OUT, SOME JACK DANIELS AND A CARTON OF CAMELS. WHO'S WITH ME?
SOMETIMES IN LIFE WE FORGET THAT OUR ACTIONS CAN SEVERELY IMPACT OTHERS. SOMETIMES OUR DECISIONS DEVASTATE, OUR SELF ABSORBED RANTINGS CAUSE REAL PAIN, INNOCENTS SUFFER UNDER OUR HEAVY HANDED SELF INTEREST.
LET'S TAKE A MOMENT AND REMEMBER WE ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS WORLD. WE ARE ACCOUNTABLE TO EACH OTHER. LET THE MINIVAN FULL OF KIDS THRU THE INTERSECTION, LEAVE A CUP OF COFFEE, MUFFIN & SOME ADVIL ON THE CRANKY LADY'S DESK- IT MIGHT BRIGHTEN THEIR DAY KNOWING SOMEONE THOUGHT OF THEM TOO. MAYBE THEY'LL DO THE SAME FOR ANOTHER.
WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU...THE STORY THAT CAUGHT MY EYE....
I almost destroyed a life today...I have to rant to someone. I cannot tell this to my friends. I am a partner in a growing company. Business tends to slow down a little in November and December and I find myself pushing my people harder and harder. I didn't come to be one of the owners overnight. I worked hard for many years and for a boss that was cruel and heartless. I rose above it all. Now he's gone and I run all of the divisions everywhere. I swore I would never, ever treat an employee like he did. Well, I forgot. Its easy to drive my Mercedes home listening to my favorite CD or watching the game on my 60" TV or heading to Vegas for some fun. But in the mix of become important I forgot who I was and I forgot the promise I made. Today, one of my employees who have been particularly aloof or unable to concentrate lately set me off and I sent her packing. She threw nothing short of a fit and I had her escorted to the door ASAP so that her sobbing would not distract the rest of the staff. A couple of hours ago I noticed one of my senior staff was not back from lunch. She's a good and trusted employee and manager. But today I was "kicking ass and taking names" So I called to find out how dare she be late and heard the sound of a little girl in the background. This employee doesn't have any kids so I asked where she was. Turns out she was at the home of the employee I had dismissed. That employee as it turns out was so aloof and distracted because her husband had abandoned her and her kids some weeks ago and she was too ashamed to say anything. Today was her 4 year old girls birthday and she couldn't afford a cake leave alone candles to put on it! She's been paying all the bills since her husband left her and is nearly broke. All of her distant behavior and inability to perform suddenly made sense. But I was too busy worrying about my bottom line to be bothered to notice. I fired this woman today and she went home wondering how she could even give her daughter a gift for her birthday because I just took her primary source of income away from her. I just got back from the store. I bought all of the presents and food I could grab up in a short amount of time but suffice it to say this little girl will have a great party this evening. Thier refrigerator will have food in it and theres plenty of pizza and ice cream and gifts. Her mother has a job to come back to Monday morning and me? Well, I have some lessons to learn and some soul searching to do. I wasnt raised to be such an arrogant, uncompassionate son of a bitch but I somehow managed to get there. You don't need to know my name. Its not important. I just needed to get this off my chest and to share this in hopes that someone else like me, will read this and remember who we really are and where we came from. I thought I was a big man but found out today I am very, very small. Please, do something to help someone truly in need.
MY NEMISIS LARRY KING JUST DID AN HOUR ON BABY SURI'S PICTURES. EVERY LAST PHOTO SCREAMED "I'M NOT GAY! REALLY, KATIE & I DID IT!"
FOR THOSE OF YOU NOT PAYING ATTENTION- WHO FUCKING CARES. 6 BILLION PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET, WHO THE FUCK CARES IF YOU'RE GAY, STRAIGHT OR OTHER(?). ENOUGH WITH THIS MINDLESS TWADDLE. I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHO'S FUCKING WHO...UNLESS I AM ONE OF THE FUCKEES. I DON'T CARE WHO'S KNOCKED UP- AGAIN, UNLESS I AM THE KNOCK-ED. I DON'T CARE WHO'S ON THE BULEMIA DIET OR WHO LOSS 900 LBS ON JENNY CRAIG. I DO CARE IF PETROL COSTS MORE THAN BLACK TAR HEROINE. I REALLY CARE IF THERE IS SOME INCLEMENT WEATHER HEADED MY WAY. I CARE IF A GROUP OF HALF COCKED NUTBAGS ARE PLANNING TO DRIVE A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION RIGHT INTO NEW JERSEY (OR ANY PART OF THE U.S., REALLY.) THIS IS IMPORTANT SHIT- NOT THE TOM-KITTEN, WHO SOMEWHAT LOOKS LIKE DAMIEN FROM THE ORIGINAL OMEN- IT'S PROBABLY THE HAIR.
AAAANYWAY- YOU KNOW WHAT SCARES ME SHITLESS? TOM CRUISE. HE IS THE NEW BOOGEYMAN.
WHEN I WAS A CHILD WE FEARED THE CLOSET MONSTER...TODAY'S KIDS FEAR THE TOMKAT.
HERE'S A LISTING OF GOOD CHASTISEMENTS TO EMOTIONALLY SCAR YOUR KIDS WITH:
"BE GOOD OR TOM CRUISE WILL GET YOU. "
"I'M GONNA SELL YOU TO TOM CRUISE'S ALIEN SIDESHOW IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR GRADES UP!"
"TOM CRUISE IS IN YOUR CLOSET"
"IF YOU'RE GOOD SANTA WILL BRING YOU PRESENTS, IF YOU'RE BAD SANTA BRINGS TOM CRUISE."
"LET ME GUESS, YOUR ROOM IS A MESS BECAUSE TOM CRUISE WAS JUMPING ON YOUR BED?"
"IF YOU SAY TOM-KAT 3 TIMES IN A MIRROR AT MIDNIGHT, THE CRUISE'S WILL COME AND GET YOU."
"GOOD BOYS GO TO HEAVEN, BAD BOYS JUMP ON OPRAH'S COUCH."
"WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE DINNER OR YOUR GONNA CATCH CRUITEES."
"OLLIE OLLIE CRUISE IS WEIRD"
"ONE TWO THREE, GET OFF MY....HAIL XENU"
"MILK MILK LEMONADE, AROUND THE CORNER TOMKAT WILL STEAL YOUR SOUL."
GOT ANY MORE- POST THEM HERE!
THAT'S RIGHT WRATHKETEERS, SCHOOL STARTS TUESDAY!!! WAHOOOOOOOOO!
SO LITTLE JOHNNY CUMSTAINS & JENNY SHUTYOURFUCKINGNOISEHOLE WILL BE SPENDING THEIR DAYS IN SKOOOOL- AND I CAN FINALLY SLEEP PEACEFULLY AGAIN!
AS MOST OF YOU KNOW- I WORK 3RD SHIFT & THE LITTLE BASTARDS ROBBED ME OF PRECIOUS SLEEP ALL FUCKING SUMMER WITH THEIR INANE CATERWALLING AND NONSENSICAL BLATHERING.
HERE'S A TIP: IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS NEXT DOOR- USE THE PHONE, OR BETTER YET- KNOCK ON THEIR FUCKING DOOR! THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU IF THEY ARE INSIDE YOU WINDOW-LICKING TARD...BUT I CAN- BECAUSE MY BEDROOM WINDOW IS MERE FEET FROM YOUR NOISE HOLE.
THIS YEAR- I SHALL GET MY DELICIOUSLY OVERDUE REVENGE- I WILL PARK MY CAR NEXT TO YOUR BEDROOM WINDOW...AND WHEN YOU'RE FAST ASLEEP@ 2320 ON A SUNDAY NIGHT- I'LL BE SURE TO LET YOU KNOW MY COMINGS & GOINGS BY WAY OF THE KIND CHAPS OF HATEBREED OR BIOHAZARD ON MY VERY LOUD CAR STEREO. I MIGHT EVEN PUT THE TOP DOWN.
FOR GOOD MEASURE I'LL BE SURE TO WAKE YOUR EQUALLY PARENTS TOO. I WOULDN'T WANT TO LEAVE THEM OUT. JUST TO BE THOUROUGH I'LL START SMOKING MY OWN BEEF JERKY NIGHT AFTER NIGHT UNDER THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. I'M SURE YOU'LL LOVE IT- GOD KNOWS I ENJOYED THE SCENT OF BURNING WOOD/MEAT/LIGHTER FLUID & CHARCOAL TO SCARE ME AWAKE HALFWAY THROUGH THE SLEEP CYCLE. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THINKING YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE EVERY FUCKING DAY TO START YOUR DAY. I'LL EVEN BRING OUT THE POWER TOOLS. MAYBE EVEN BUILD A SHED BOARD BY BOARD EVERY NIGHT I'M OFF.
THAT'S RIGHT FUCKERS- IT'S ON!
RECENTLY I HAVE DISCOVERED "THE BEST OF CRAIG'S LIST" AND I MUST SAY THE POSTINGS HAVE MADE MY TORTUOUS HOLIDAY WEEKEND SHIFT NOT SUCK QUITE SO MUCH.THAT'S NOT TO SAY THE RANTS TOTALLY REMOVED THE SOUL KILLING SUCKAGE THAT IS THE CROSS BOURNE BY CONTRACTORS OF DEATHSTAR TELCO- NOT THAT AT ALL. IT DID MAKE THE SUCKINESS SEEM SOMEHOW SHORTER.
MAY I SHARE WITH YOU SOME MORE CRAIG-IAN WORDS TO LIVE BY...
FRIENDLY ADVICE FROM YOUR CRIMINAL DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
1. When a cop says to you, "anything you say can and will be used against you", that's your cue to shut the fuck up.
Whatever you do, don't say something stupid like: "I only had two beers". In Arizona, DUI is impaired to the SLIGHTEST degree. Two brews will impair a 280 pound linebacker to the slighest degree, and will probably do the same to you.
"Why don't you arrest the real drunk drivers?" Seriously, wtf?
"I shot Larry in the head four times because he said my myspace page was 'gay'. The gun is under the driver's seat of my car, and I dumped his body in a wash five miles west of milepost 268 off the I-10."
In most criminal cases, the strongest piece of evidence against a defendant is his confession. Remember, without your confession, often the prosecution has no case.
2. Don't give the cops permission to search your car!
If Officer Friendly is asking you if he can search your car, that means he has no right to search your car unless you give him permission; otherwise, he wouldn't be asking you for permission. Officer Friendly is not your friend.
If your sack/glock/bloody glove is in the car (1) he will find it, (2) he will arrest you, and (3) you will call me and I will tell you that you should have Just Said No.
3. I am an excellent attorney, and my boss is a friggen genious, but there is often very little we can do to help you by the time we receive your case, as far as winning a "not guilty" verdict goes.
Just to clear things up, the following are NOT defenses to criminal charges:
"I thought the cop was a prostitute."
"That crank was bunk, anyway."
"I just put my junk a little bit of the way in."
"I just dropped my truck off in the desert for 15 minutes. By the time I came back, someone must have accidently loaded 250 kilos in it."
"I didn't know that Kara_AZ_13 was really Dectective Uhall of the Tucson Police Department. "But it was my first time."
The following are probably not defenses to crimes, but MAY be defenses:
"The bitch ain't even dead." If my file contains an autopsy report, I think the professional rules of conduct bar me from advancing The Bitch Ain't Dead defense.
"I take back what I said to Officer Friendly." Did the cop hold a gun to your head to make you talk? No. Did he forget to read you Miranda? No. Did you waive Miranda and talk to the cop? Yes. Then no take backs, sorry!!!
"I thought it was a regular brownie."
"It was just a butter knife."
"I can't believe it's not butter."
And now for the strong defenses:
"The cop had no reason to pull me over."
"I was asleep, and I've never sleep-walked before."
"The other guy was pointing a gun at me."
"I'm not Juan Rodriguez."
4. Thanks to a conservative Supreme Court and 25 years of tough on crime legislation (seriously, when have you heard of politician win on a 'soft on crime' platform?), the courts are no friends of criminal defendants. By the time you hire me as a lawyer the cards are stacked against you. Remember, 95 percent of the cases where the accused is charged with a crime will result in a criminal conviction.
My advice: Don't commit crime! If you choose to break the law, don't tell the cop about it, and don't let him search your car, okay?
I saw this on the Best of Craig's list...this man deserves a medal for "Best Act of Random Parenting"
Kudos to you unnamed dad from Manhattan Beach, CA...better late than never.
May I present....................
My Son Is A Moron... He Did Not Come From My Loins...
Date: 2006-07-20, 1:39PM PDT
You do everything you can for your kids. God knows I've tried. But it seems like God enjoys a good joke, now and then. I was raised in a strict household. My parents bore offspring from the early-50's to the mid-60's. I was around the middle of this brood. With nine mouths to feed, we did not have a lot of extras. We worked for simple things, like bicycles. Nothing wrong with that. It's what we knew. And we were given a great foundation, on which we could create a life for ourselves. As I said, my parents were strict - which made me not wish to be such with my kids.
Ah, my kids... I'm in my forties, and the wife is a bit younger. I make a fine income, and try not to sweat anything. I get up... have coffee... look out at the ocean... read the paper... move onto my business. I appreciate not having a house full of screaming kids in the morning (something that was impossible when I grew up).
All I ask of my kids is to;
a) be respectful of everyone,
b) be honest
c) get good grades,
d) clean their rooms.
I do not ask for much, nor do I demand much. However... that is going to change tonight.
Events that occurred this morning will bring about change like these kids have never known. The wife has kept me in the dark about some things as well. It's my fault. I accept it. But I can reverse this downward trend - now. My generation (baby-boomers) has found that it is easier to go around a wall, than climb over over it - or knock it down. I'm as guilty as anyone. My guilt turned into rage this morning. My son (and my wife) convinced me that he NEEDED a car (he's seventeen). I was not keen on a kid driving, that has trouble standing a surfboard, or walking down the stairs without tripping. But I relented (again, why fight it). With some stipulations, we aquired a car for this child. The rules were put in place, and he proclaimed we were the greatest parents in the worls. Uh huh... It's 12:00pm, and he has yet to get out of bed. His mother has been instructed to tell my prodigy that he is GROUNDED. We have never done this, but we are today. And I mean GROUNDED in his room! Not out by the pool. Not in the gameroom. His cluttered abode is where he better be when I get home tonight. And I'm going to be stopping for a drink, first. I deserve a drink after this morning. Let me tell you about my day. I go out to my car in the driveway (I have a three-car garage - and "hers" is the only one that fits inside). My insanely over-priced piece of shit refuses to start today (3rd time in 2 months - the car is 6-monthss old). Okay... I call 'AAA'; it will 45-60 minutes. No time to wait. Okay... I'm going to take my kids' car. I go in and retrieve the keys (everyone is till asleep @ 8am). I leave a note telling him to call me. His car is down the street at a friends house. Why? He claimed that our driveway was too crowded (and the other kids might scratch it). Okay... I find his car... set off the alarm... Shit! People, one word; LOJACK. Goddamn, I hate those alarms. Anyways I get in the car, after noticing the REALLY nice rims & tires on it. Hmmm, how did he pay for those? WHEN, did he get those? I get in, and notice a new STEERING WHEEL... without the AIRBAG - that I demanded he have. Oh, this car is totally bitchin' dude! It gets better... I start it up... A huge racket comes from the exhaust (not stock anymore!)... And the stereo starts screaming out profanities! The backseat is now occupied by a huge box with speakers in it... and fast-food trash... and 'ziz-zag' papers... and empty 'trojan' wrappers (a chip off the 'ole block). To say the least I am pissed. I proceed to drive this rattling, screaming (I tear the faceplate off - finally), piece of doo-doo down the road. I swear, I think I awakened everyone in the neighborhood. I head out onto PCH, and drive less than a mile... when MB's finest pulls me over... WTF? I know I wasn't speeding. The officer comes up to the car, and asks for my license and insurance card... I hand over the license, and tell him I'm not sure where the insurance card is - 'it's my son's car'... "look in the glovebox" (he is - actually - smiling now)... I open the glovebox... and a small BONG falls out... I look at him... he looks at me... This is not happening! Oh, but it is. The first thing I say is 'it's not mine!'... "um, sir, could you step out of the car, please"... I get out, and we step onto the sidewalk. He tells me he stopped me for having an illegal exhaust (no shit - it sounds like two-dozen weedwhackers coming down the street). He also informs me that there are plenty more violations on this car... And I start laughing... He asks why am I laughing... And I tell him how my day is going. "What about the water-pipe?" Indeed! I inform him that this is all a surprise to me, but I would like him to write up everything that is illegal about the vehicle. He looks at me like I'm crazy. But I want my kid to learn a lesson. And the officer obliges me. He, even, finds some weed in the trunk... 17 tickets later, we are finished... almost... I ask him if I can keep all of the drug paraphenalia? "Why?" I want my kid to destroy it. I want this kid to know his "fuck-off" days are over. The officer agrees. I could see he was wishing he could be there tonight, for the "lesson". He was pretty decent about the whole thing. This guy took, almost, a half-hour to go through all of this paperwork - and search. I thank him, and head out... He tells me if I get stopped again today, that I should show all the citations to the other officer - and I should not have any problems... Problems?!! We have problems. I have lost control of my family. My wife is a co-conspirator. She has just been told that I want a listing of all of our household bills & accounts. 'Yes, dear - we are going to perform an audit'. She is protesting, but I do not care. This is war. I know my family loves me, but they have played me for a fool. I may be a fool, but I am not dumb. She does not know that I just found out my son is in Summer school, because of bad grades. She doesn't know that DMV has provided me with her, and his, records; apparently they have a problem with obeying traffic laws. It's not going to be easy, but something must be done. I swear, I feel like I have become my father... I want the best for my family, and feel something radical must happen. I can only hope they - truly - understand it is for our own good.
Some things that will be addressed tonight;
1) Son's vehicle is gone; oil up that chain on your bicycle.
2) All three kids will empty out the garage; sell it/ donate it/ whatever.
3) Mom will have a household budget.
4) Chores - that's right; everyone will have assigned chores.
5) Chores will be done, before anything else.
6) Homework will be done daily, before dinner. * Or, immediately after sports events, but always prior to 10pm.
7) Son's tickets will be paid with his allowance.
8) Son is grounded for the rest of the summer.
9) Son will study from 8am until 4pm - daily, durint the rest of summer vacation.
10) Videogames are banned from 10pm until 6pm - daily.
11) Everyone will be up by 8am - daily.
12) The youngest child is on a diet - now.
13) Mother will inform father of ALL infractions.
14) Dad will be home by 6pm - daily.
15) Everyone will eat dinner, together.
16) Mom will cook dinner - and it better not come out of the microwave.
17) The maid is being given four weeks notice. * That is going to be fun - I may not see a sexual interlude for awhile.
18) Dad is getting a new car, and parking it in his garage.
19) Son may get a USED car, when his grades are A's & B's, for two - consecutive - semesters.
20) Mom and son are to attend driving school.
21) Son will explain drug usage - completely, or face rehab & boarding school.
2) Mom will be weaned off of her "medications"; NOW.
23) Children will make their own lunches, for school; no more money for shitty school food.
24) NO soda. Maybe, when we dine out. Maybe, on the weekends.
25) NO MySpace accounts, or any other assinine accounts - a computer geek will check all of their computers - monthly (they need fear put into their lives).
26) Dad will attend all school functions.
27) Everyone will be present for all birthdays.
28) Children will wear clothes that Dad approves of.
29) Mom will dress daughter like a little girl; not a 'hoochie-mama'. * and - definitely - no "juicy" pants on her bottom!
30) Daughter will not have any underwear, except for briefs.
31) Sons will not be told to pull up their pants, or face having said pants donated.
32) NO 'Rap' music, within Dad's hearing range.
33) NO tattoos, until you are out of my house.
34) NO piercings (except for daughter's ears), until you are out of my house.
35) NO dyeing of hair, until you are out of my house.
Did I miss something? I'm continuing to add to the list... Tell me if I missed something... Tell me if I'm wrong... I've seen those "wife-swap" & "nanny" shows... I hate to think that is my life... Wish me luck... I may be sleeping on the patio tonight...
this is in or around Long Letter From Manhattan Beach
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE! KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ANGRY DAD OF MANHATTAN BEACH!