WHO NEED A BEATIN'
WITH BLUNT OBJECTS
GET YA HANDS UP
IT'S YA BIRFDAY
SHAKE YA GROOVE TING
BEATIN'S FO ASSHOLES
CHECK, CHECK, 1-2, CHECK 1-2 IS THIS THING ON?
ALLLLLRIGHTY THEN... THIS IS THE QUICK BEATIN' LIST
1.) FORMER NJ GOV, JIM MCGREEVEY...IN ORDER TO AVOID AN INVESTIGATION IN STATE WIDE CORRUPTION, HE QUIT BECAUSE HE WAS SICK OF LEADING A DOWN-LOW DOUBLE LIFE...WTF? LAST I CHECKED HOMOSEXUALITY ISN'T A CHARACTER FLAW, LIKE BEING A MORALLY AMBIVALENT, LYING, TWO-TIMING ASSHOLE IS. WHAT MAKES IT MORE TRAGIC IS THAT HIS WIFE HAD NO CLUE, AND THERE WAS A CHILD BORN DURING HIS CAMPAIGN. OUR STATE, THE GAY COMMUNITY & HIS FAMILY HAD TO SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS FAILURE TO BE HONEST WITH HIMSELF, AND RESIST THE SEDUCTION OF POLITICAL CORRUPTION.
2.) THE NEW YORK TIMES: YOUR SUNDAY EDITION IS FAR TOO HEAVY, & YOUR CROSSWORDS ARE WAY TOO HARD. HOW ABOUT A BEGINNER & INTERMEDIATE CROSSWORD TOO? WE'RE NOT ALL STEVEN HAWKING, YOU KNOW.
3.) TEAM INCOMPETENT....YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE...AND I'M WATCHING.
4.) THE NDN'S (NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOURS): JEEBUS- BUY THE BOY A FUCKING ALARM CLOCK, ITS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE EMOTIONAL SCARS YOUR DAILY VERBAL ABUSE IS CAUSING. BTW: AT SOME POINT THE BOY WHOM YOU CALLED A "FUCKING PUSSY" WILL BE A STRONG, YET HORMONAL TEENAGER, AND WILL HAVE SOME INPUT ON HOW YOU ARE TO SPEND YOUR GOLDEN YEARS...FULL BODY TRACTION IN A CUT RATE NURSING HOME FEATURED ON DATELINE DOESN'T SOUND LIKE PARADISE TO ME.
5.) PEOPLE WHO MOCK MY DESKTOP SANTERIA SHRINE: TECHS DON'T FIX PHONE LINES & SWITCH LOW SPEED CARDS TO PROTECT- THE POWER OF MR POTATOHEAD & THE MAGIC 8-BALL DOES. SPONGEBOB THE PIRATE DIFFUSES POTENTIAL ESCALATIONS- THE "EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANS" PICTURE IS JUST FUNNY, AND HAS NO MYSTICAL POWER...UNLIKE THE TAROT CARDS IN MY DESK- WHICH DO.
SHABBAT SHALOM TO MY HEBREW HOMIES- AND A HAPPY ROSH HASHANAH & YOM KIPPUR TO ALL
shit, I think I pissed myself.
no, really- I think I pissed myself
10 things to do with a psych degree...other than wiping your ass with it.
Graduating with a bachelor's degree in psychology does not have to mean that you will end up bartending or waiting tables after college graduation.
Here are 10 careers you could obtain with a bachelor's degree in psychology.
10. With a minor in business, you could become a research analyst. Research analysts work closely with the management of corporations to gather, analyze and interpret the data that companies use to market their products.
9. You could also work as a statistical assistant. Much like research analysts, you will collect and analyze data and review it for accuracy, consistency and completeness.
8. You could work as a sales person selling anything from insurance to advertising space in magazines.
7. A career as a drug and alcohol counselor might be in the cards if you feel that you could guide people suffering the long-term effects of substance abuse.
6. Perhaps you could become a juvenile justice worker. As such, you will address the behavioral problems of young people and help prepare them to live and work on their own. You'll serve as both a teacher and role model in this career.
5. Help high school students choose a college, or lead freshmen through the university system as a college admissions counselor. Admissions counselors make decisions about whom to enroll in their schools and whom to award scholarships. They also guide students through the transition from high school to college.
4. You could work in childcare and work with young children at a daycare center.
3. If you work as a group home counselor, you will be responsible for the care and supervision of people in a homelike setting. Counselors assist with planning activities, budgeting and organization of the home.
2. Consider finding work as a teacher's aide. This is an excellent way to get hands-on experience with kids and a way to look into teaching as a career. Teaching assistants help teachers coordinate daily activities, help with troublesome children or tutor students who need additional instruction.
1. The number-one thing to do with a psychology degree is to further your education by going on to earn a master's or doctorate to allow you to practice your skills in a clinical setting.
Or do what I did with my B.S. of Telecommunications...get obscenely drunk every month when you make out your student loan check, then wipe your ass with it.Or you can bartend...near a college...then laugh your ass off at the psych & telecom majors. Then start an anger-based cult & blog about it.
THIS IS SNN- THE SKWERLY NEWS NETWORK...PRESENTED TO YOU IN SHANNO-VISION- COMMENTARY IN BLUE.
73 YEARS OLD...AND STILL TOKES THE WACKY TOBACKY.
WILLIE NELSON CITED FOR MARIJUANA POSSESION
LAFAYETTE, La. - Willie Nelson and four others were issued misdemeanor citations for possession of illegal mushrooms and marijuana after a traffic stop Monday morning on a Louisiana highway, state police said. NOT HIS 1ST OFFENSE
The citations were issued after a commercial vehicle inspection of the country music star's tour bus, state police said in a news release.
"When the door was opened and the trooper began to speak to the driver, he smelled the strong odor of marijuana," the news release said. A search of the bus produced 1 1/2 pounds of marijuana and slightly more than three ounces of illegal mushrooms. IT REEKED OF PATCHOULI, OLD SPICE & STANKY HYDROPONIC THAI WEED, THE OFFICER WAS PLACED ON MEDICAL LEAVE DUE TO THE CONTACT HIGH.
There were enough drugs to merit a felony charge of distribution if they had been found in one person's possession, state police spokesman Willie Williams said. But all five claimed the drugs as their own and the drugs were not packaged for resale, so each was charged with misdemeanors, he said. All were released after the citations were issued. BUT NOT FOR WILLIE, CUZ THAT HOW HE ROLLS- CHILLIN' IN HIS PIMPADELIC MOTO CRIB WITH HIS HOMIES
Nelson's publicist, Elaine Schock, said she would have no comment Monday. HARD TO TALK WITH A BONG IN YOUR MOUTH
Also cited were Tony Sizemore, 59, of St. Cloud, Fla.; Bobbie Nelson, 75, of Briarcliff, Texas; Gates Moore, 54, of Austin, Texas; and David Anderson, 50, of Dallas. UNDERAGE ON WILLIE'S BUS MEANS THEY'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO JOIN AARP OR ORDER FROM THE SENIOR MENU AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE.
Nelson, 73, has recorded songs including "On the Road Again" and "City of New Orleans." COINCEDENTALLY HE WAS SEARCHED ON THE ROAD- AGAIN, NEAR THE CITY OF NEW ORLEANS.
GOD, I LOVE WILLIE NELSON!
NOT TOTALLY SURE WHY EITHER. WORK IS STILL WORK, SIDEKICK & WRATHKETEER CHRISTINE MAKE THIS PLACE BEARABLE...AND ENTERTAINING. ONLINE CHATTERING WITH THAT KEWL GUY MAKES THE TIME PASS QUICKER, AND GETS THE BLOOD PRESSURE UP ;-). MY DOG IS STILL DOGGIE, THE SKWERLS ARE STILL SQUIRRELLY, DR. EVIL & MR. BIGGLESWORTH ARE THE WEIRDEST CATS KNOWN TO MAN. MY MOM IS STILL RIDING THE SHORT BUS OF BLONDITUDE...HER BEST PAL SHERRY IS STILL A WILLING ACCOMPLICE. PRAISE THE LORD, MY EX'S ARE STILL EX'S!
SO WHY AM I IN A FUNK? CRAPPY JOB, LACK OF CONSISTENT SEX- GAS PRICES?
METHINKS I AM ENTERING A TRANSITIONAL PHASE BY CRUISING THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL OF ADULTHOOD. I PAY MY BILLS, KEEP A JOB & DO MY ROOTS- GARBAGE GOES OUT EVERY WEDNESDAY MORNING WHEN I GET HOME. I'M LOSING WEIGHT STEADILY, EATING BETTER, RESTING WHEN NEEDED AND EXCERSIZING. THE ETERNA-AFGHAN IS COMING ALONG NICELY.
NEVERMIND...I FEEL A LITTLE BETTER NOW. I GUESS I JUST NEEDED TO VENT.
In an effort to be more informed and less likely to become just another number I present to female Foaminions...
THE 5 BIGGEST LIES MEN TELL, AND A FEW SIGNS TO WATCH FOR
She's just a friend
Is there a strange woman answering his phone? Sleeping on his couch? Spending late nights with him? She probably is a "friend"…but one who he also occasionally sleeps with. Men tell this lie because they want to get the most they possibly can out of all the women in their lives. The "friend" is not good enough to be a girlfriend…but he doesn't want to end things with her completely in case things don't work out with you.
I'm ready to settle down
There are two reasons men who are actually not ready to settle down say they are. One is that they think you want to hear it. They assume women are only interested in men looking for a wife and babies, so they say whatever they think will help get them laid. The other reason men say they want to settle down is because they genuinely believe they want to settle down… until they are in the position to actually make the commitment. Then they may suddenly decide it's not what they wanted after all.
It's not you, it's me
Sometimes it really is you. Men aren't as accomplished as women at the fine art of polite conflict resolution. Where a woman might feel comfortable telling a man she's not interested, men are much more afraid of direct communication. When he says, "It's not you, it's me," he's really saying "I'm just not that into you." Take it for what it is and move on.
It was a one-time thing
When men are exposed as cheaters, the first excuse they offer is that is was a "one-time thing." In reality, cheating is usually a pattern of behavior that is rooted in much more than a one-time lapse of judgment. If your man cheats and swears it will never happen again, don't just take him at his word. You just can't trust that he'll be honest about something he's already lied to you about.
I'd never lie to you
Even the "good" guys (and "good" girls), stretch the truth sometimes. Whether it's his answer to "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" or his praise for your mother's meatloaf, chances are, he's told you more than a few white lies. Most of these fudges of truth are meant to protect your feelings and don't necessarily reflect his commitment to an honest, open relationship.
There may be a problem, though, if your man continually asserts how honest he is. If he frequently makes a big deal of assuring you that he'd never lie to you, it may be a sign that he's overcompensating for dishonesty.
Other lies to watch out for:
I'll call you
When a man says "I'll call you," we tend to think he means he'll call within the next few days. But for a man, "I'll call you," just means that he'll talk to you again sometime before he dies.
I just got tested
"Trust me" isn't good enough for your body. If sexual health is important enough for him to "get tested," it's also important enough for him to use a condom anyway.
It's not complicated: he has a girlfriend but wants to sleep with you, too.
I'm not really into porn / strippers / bachelor parties / Paris Hilton
Most women think their man is not that into this kind of thing. Yet the sex industry makes millions every day. You do the math.
Let's talk about it later He's really saying, "Let's end this conversation and never talk about it again."
Now before you go getting up at arms, there are always exceptions to these guidelines, and we women are far from perfect ourselves. Actually- we're fucking crazy. But if a guy is chanting these like a mantra any of these, then it is time to wake the fuck up. If your Spidey-sense is tingling, it does it for a reason.
Listen, learn...if he's a douchebag the signs will be there.
I HAVE CAUGHT A NASTY BUG, INSIDIOUS REALLY. I GOT A CASE OF EXCESSIVE GIRLYNESS.
HOW DO COME TO THIS CONCLUSION. WELL, I DID MY NAILS.
THEN I PUT ON SOME CORRINE BAILEY RAE MUSIC, PERFUME, UGLY SPACKLE ON THE FACE...DID MY MOTHERFUCKING HAIR.
THE IMPENDING FALL IS WHAT BRINGS THIS AFFLICTION TO MY DOORSTEP.
AUTUMN IS THE GIRLIEST OF ALL THE SEASONS. WE DRESS A LITTLE LESS SLUTTY, OPTING FOR SOPHISTICATED CLINGY KNITS. WE LOOSE THE SUMMER PONYTAIL SINCE HEAD SWEAT ISN'T MUCH OF A PROBLEM. THE ACCESSORIES COME OUT WITH THEIR MATCHING JACKETS & BOOTS. SOME OF US START TO PREPARE FOR THE IMPENDING WINTER'S DARK BY PREENING IN ORDER TO CATCH SOME MALE COMPANIONSHIP (OR FEMALE DEPENDING ON WHAT GETS YOU HOT.)
WE FESTOON OUR WOMANLY BOUDOIRS WITH FLUFFY COMFORTERS, ON THE OFF CHANCE WE SNAG A BED PARTNER TO SHARE IT WITH.
I AM NO EXCEPTION, I TIRE OF THE SUMMERY SINGLENESS, AND I NEED TO FIND ME A SUITABLE SPIDER KILLER. I WOULD LIKE TO WAKE NEXT TO SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T GREET OTHERS WITH A COLD WET NOSE TO THE ASS. THERE'S NO RUSH THOUGH...UNLESS THERE IS A SPIDER INVASION.
EVENTUALLY THE EXCESSIVE GIRLYNESS OF FALL BECOMES THE BUTCHY, SENSIBLE CLOTHING & SNOWBOOTS OF WINTER.
HMMM, MAYBE I CAN TRAIN THE DOG TO USE A FLYSWATTER.
CNN HAS TAKEN ON THE ONUS OF NAMING IMAGINARY COUNTRIES.
THIS 40 ACRES OF HEAVEN IS CALLED...WAIT FOR IT...IRAQ-ISTAN
L O FUCKING L
NOW I WANT TO NAME SOME IMAGINARY PLACES TOO.
HERE'S WHAT I CAME UP WITH:
AND MY 2 FAVOURITE PLACES: FOAMINIA & SHANNADU
I NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED DUNDERPATED NUMBSKULLERY
HAPPY TRAILS- THE SKWERL
YA KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO SAY- FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKETY FUCKER!
I AM AT THE END OF MY ROPE, MY FELLOW FOA-MINIONS.
MY TOLERANCE FOR AGGRAVATION, BULLSHIT AND ABJECT BLATHERSKIPERY IS AT AN END.
I AM SO FULL OF FOAMINIAN WRATH & FRUSTRATION- I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I FEEL LIKE THIS.
I AM FULL OF OTHER NEGATIVE EMOTIONS AS WELL, CURRENTLY I FEEL:
AND I MAY EXPLODE OR SOMETHING NASTY LIKE THAT. SO GOODNIGHT & FUCK YOURSELVES, OR NOT- WHATEVER...OH, IM ALSO APATHETIC.
Current mood: UNDERWHELMEDBON MATIN WRATHKETEERS
DUE TO POOR & SUCKY SCHEDULING I AM ON A 4 WEEKEND AT WORK TOUR. THIS WEEK I HAVE WED & THURS NIGHTS OFF.
NOW IF THIS WAS TEN YEARS AGO, I WOULD MOST LIKELY HAVE THE TWINS ON PROMINENT DISPLAY AND MAKING MY WAY THRU THE BETTER PART OF A BOTTLE OF MR. DANIELS FINEST. I WOULD ALSO BE GETTING HIT ON BY VARIOUS CHAVS, DOUCHBAGS & MAYBE ONE WHO I MAY ACTUALLY CALL.
FLASH TO 2006- I AM HOME, ALONE- EXCEPT FOR THE KEWLEST DOG....NO MAN, NO PLANS, AND PARTIALLY CLOTHED MAKING OUT A GROCERY LIST. I SHALL VENTURE OUT SHORTLY TO THE 24 SHOPRITE....AND IT IS RAINING. AND COLD. THE DOG HAS GAS & HIS SNORING SOUNDS AS IF IT COMES FROM THE VERY BOWELS OF HELL.
SINCE MY BOREDOM KNOWS NO BOUNDS I WILL HEAD TO THE STORE FOR THE PRECIOUS BOOTY I MUST PROCURE. I CAN'T LIVE WITH OUT SPICY MUSTARD, SWEET & LOW, WINDEX, FEBREZE & SWIFFER WETJET PADS. I MAY ALSO GET ONE OF THOSE NEVERSCRUB TOILET THINGIES...WAAHOOO.
DOES THE EXCITEMENT EVER END?
SADLY I AM OF UNSOUND MIND. IT HAS BEEN WANDERING WHERE I DON'T WANT IT TO GO. YOU KNOW THOSE DARK EMO-ISH PLACES THAT I HAVE DONE BATTLE WITH SO MANY TIMES.
SOMETIMES I FEEL THAT I AM HAUNTED BY THE PAST, THEN TAUNTED BY THE PRESENT. THEN I GO TO WORK WITH THE HOPES THAT THE STREAM OF WINDOW LICKERS & TELEPHONIC RETARDS CAN DISTRACT ME LONG ENOUGH TO FORGET.
LATELY IT HASN'T WORKED VERY WELL, AS I FIND MYSELF SLIPPING INTO THE CRAPPY JAMMIES OF DESPAIR....OH HOW I LONG FOR THE PERFECT FITTING JEANS OF OK-NESS, AND THE CHUCK TAYLORS OF HAPPY WRATHFULNESS AND THE MATCHING HOODIE OF FUCK OFF-ITY.
MAYBE I JUST NEED A NIGHT OUT, SOME JACK DANIELS AND A CARTON OF CAMELS. WHO'S WITH ME?
SOMETIMES IN LIFE WE FORGET THAT OUR ACTIONS CAN SEVERELY IMPACT OTHERS. SOMETIMES OUR DECISIONS DEVASTATE, OUR SELF ABSORBED RANTINGS CAUSE REAL PAIN, INNOCENTS SUFFER UNDER OUR HEAVY HANDED SELF INTEREST.
LET'S TAKE A MOMENT AND REMEMBER WE ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS WORLD. WE ARE ACCOUNTABLE TO EACH OTHER. LET THE MINIVAN FULL OF KIDS THRU THE INTERSECTION, LEAVE A CUP OF COFFEE, MUFFIN & SOME ADVIL ON THE CRANKY LADY'S DESK- IT MIGHT BRIGHTEN THEIR DAY KNOWING SOMEONE THOUGHT OF THEM TOO. MAYBE THEY'LL DO THE SAME FOR ANOTHER.
WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU...THE STORY THAT CAUGHT MY EYE....
I almost destroyed a life today...I have to rant to someone. I cannot tell this to my friends. I am a partner in a growing company. Business tends to slow down a little in November and December and I find myself pushing my people harder and harder. I didn't come to be one of the owners overnight. I worked hard for many years and for a boss that was cruel and heartless. I rose above it all. Now he's gone and I run all of the divisions everywhere. I swore I would never, ever treat an employee like he did. Well, I forgot. Its easy to drive my Mercedes home listening to my favorite CD or watching the game on my 60" TV or heading to Vegas for some fun. But in the mix of become important I forgot who I was and I forgot the promise I made. Today, one of my employees who have been particularly aloof or unable to concentrate lately set me off and I sent her packing. She threw nothing short of a fit and I had her escorted to the door ASAP so that her sobbing would not distract the rest of the staff. A couple of hours ago I noticed one of my senior staff was not back from lunch. She's a good and trusted employee and manager. But today I was "kicking ass and taking names" So I called to find out how dare she be late and heard the sound of a little girl in the background. This employee doesn't have any kids so I asked where she was. Turns out she was at the home of the employee I had dismissed. That employee as it turns out was so aloof and distracted because her husband had abandoned her and her kids some weeks ago and she was too ashamed to say anything. Today was her 4 year old girls birthday and she couldn't afford a cake leave alone candles to put on it! She's been paying all the bills since her husband left her and is nearly broke. All of her distant behavior and inability to perform suddenly made sense. But I was too busy worrying about my bottom line to be bothered to notice. I fired this woman today and she went home wondering how she could even give her daughter a gift for her birthday because I just took her primary source of income away from her. I just got back from the store. I bought all of the presents and food I could grab up in a short amount of time but suffice it to say this little girl will have a great party this evening. Thier refrigerator will have food in it and theres plenty of pizza and ice cream and gifts. Her mother has a job to come back to Monday morning and me? Well, I have some lessons to learn and some soul searching to do. I wasnt raised to be such an arrogant, uncompassionate son of a bitch but I somehow managed to get there. You don't need to know my name. Its not important. I just needed to get this off my chest and to share this in hopes that someone else like me, will read this and remember who we really are and where we came from. I thought I was a big man but found out today I am very, very small. Please, do something to help someone truly in need.
MY NEMISIS LARRY KING JUST DID AN HOUR ON BABY SURI'S PICTURES. EVERY LAST PHOTO SCREAMED "I'M NOT GAY! REALLY, KATIE & I DID IT!"
FOR THOSE OF YOU NOT PAYING ATTENTION- WHO FUCKING CARES. 6 BILLION PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET, WHO THE FUCK CARES IF YOU'RE GAY, STRAIGHT OR OTHER(?). ENOUGH WITH THIS MINDLESS TWADDLE. I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHO'S FUCKING WHO...UNLESS I AM ONE OF THE FUCKEES. I DON'T CARE WHO'S KNOCKED UP- AGAIN, UNLESS I AM THE KNOCK-ED. I DON'T CARE WHO'S ON THE BULEMIA DIET OR WHO LOSS 900 LBS ON JENNY CRAIG. I DO CARE IF PETROL COSTS MORE THAN BLACK TAR HEROINE. I REALLY CARE IF THERE IS SOME INCLEMENT WEATHER HEADED MY WAY. I CARE IF A GROUP OF HALF COCKED NUTBAGS ARE PLANNING TO DRIVE A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION RIGHT INTO NEW JERSEY (OR ANY PART OF THE U.S., REALLY.) THIS IS IMPORTANT SHIT- NOT THE TOM-KITTEN, WHO SOMEWHAT LOOKS LIKE DAMIEN FROM THE ORIGINAL OMEN- IT'S PROBABLY THE HAIR.
AAAANYWAY- YOU KNOW WHAT SCARES ME SHITLESS? TOM CRUISE. HE IS THE NEW BOOGEYMAN.
WHEN I WAS A CHILD WE FEARED THE CLOSET MONSTER...TODAY'S KIDS FEAR THE TOMKAT.
HERE'S A LISTING OF GOOD CHASTISEMENTS TO EMOTIONALLY SCAR YOUR KIDS WITH:
"BE GOOD OR TOM CRUISE WILL GET YOU. "
"I'M GONNA SELL YOU TO TOM CRUISE'S ALIEN SIDESHOW IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR GRADES UP!"
"TOM CRUISE IS IN YOUR CLOSET"
"IF YOU'RE GOOD SANTA WILL BRING YOU PRESENTS, IF YOU'RE BAD SANTA BRINGS TOM CRUISE."
"LET ME GUESS, YOUR ROOM IS A MESS BECAUSE TOM CRUISE WAS JUMPING ON YOUR BED?"
"IF YOU SAY TOM-KAT 3 TIMES IN A MIRROR AT MIDNIGHT, THE CRUISE'S WILL COME AND GET YOU."
"GOOD BOYS GO TO HEAVEN, BAD BOYS JUMP ON OPRAH'S COUCH."
"WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE DINNER OR YOUR GONNA CATCH CRUITEES."
"OLLIE OLLIE CRUISE IS WEIRD"
"ONE TWO THREE, GET OFF MY....HAIL XENU"
"MILK MILK LEMONADE, AROUND THE CORNER TOMKAT WILL STEAL YOUR SOUL."
GOT ANY MORE- POST THEM HERE!
THAT'S RIGHT WRATHKETEERS, SCHOOL STARTS TUESDAY!!! WAHOOOOOOOOO!
SO LITTLE JOHNNY CUMSTAINS & JENNY SHUTYOURFUCKINGNOISEHOLE WILL BE SPENDING THEIR DAYS IN SKOOOOL- AND I CAN FINALLY SLEEP PEACEFULLY AGAIN!
AS MOST OF YOU KNOW- I WORK 3RD SHIFT & THE LITTLE BASTARDS ROBBED ME OF PRECIOUS SLEEP ALL FUCKING SUMMER WITH THEIR INANE CATERWALLING AND NONSENSICAL BLATHERING.
HERE'S A TIP: IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS NEXT DOOR- USE THE PHONE, OR BETTER YET- KNOCK ON THEIR FUCKING DOOR! THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU IF THEY ARE INSIDE YOU WINDOW-LICKING TARD...BUT I CAN- BECAUSE MY BEDROOM WINDOW IS MERE FEET FROM YOUR NOISE HOLE.
THIS YEAR- I SHALL GET MY DELICIOUSLY OVERDUE REVENGE- I WILL PARK MY CAR NEXT TO YOUR BEDROOM WINDOW...AND WHEN YOU'RE FAST ASLEEP@ 2320 ON A SUNDAY NIGHT- I'LL BE SURE TO LET YOU KNOW MY COMINGS & GOINGS BY WAY OF THE KIND CHAPS OF HATEBREED OR BIOHAZARD ON MY VERY LOUD CAR STEREO. I MIGHT EVEN PUT THE TOP DOWN.
FOR GOOD MEASURE I'LL BE SURE TO WAKE YOUR EQUALLY PARENTS TOO. I WOULDN'T WANT TO LEAVE THEM OUT. JUST TO BE THOUROUGH I'LL START SMOKING MY OWN BEEF JERKY NIGHT AFTER NIGHT UNDER THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. I'M SURE YOU'LL LOVE IT- GOD KNOWS I ENJOYED THE SCENT OF BURNING WOOD/MEAT/LIGHTER FLUID & CHARCOAL TO SCARE ME AWAKE HALFWAY THROUGH THE SLEEP CYCLE. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THINKING YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE EVERY FUCKING DAY TO START YOUR DAY. I'LL EVEN BRING OUT THE POWER TOOLS. MAYBE EVEN BUILD A SHED BOARD BY BOARD EVERY NIGHT I'M OFF.
THAT'S RIGHT FUCKERS- IT'S ON!
RECENTLY I HAVE DISCOVERED "THE BEST OF CRAIG'S LIST" AND I MUST SAY THE POSTINGS HAVE MADE MY TORTUOUS HOLIDAY WEEKEND SHIFT NOT SUCK QUITE SO MUCH.THAT'S NOT TO SAY THE RANTS TOTALLY REMOVED THE SOUL KILLING SUCKAGE THAT IS THE CROSS BOURNE BY CONTRACTORS OF DEATHSTAR TELCO- NOT THAT AT ALL. IT DID MAKE THE SUCKINESS SEEM SOMEHOW SHORTER.
MAY I SHARE WITH YOU SOME MORE CRAIG-IAN WORDS TO LIVE BY...
FRIENDLY ADVICE FROM YOUR CRIMINAL DEFENSE ATTORNEY:
1. When a cop says to you, "anything you say can and will be used against you", that's your cue to shut the fuck up.
Whatever you do, don't say something stupid like: "I only had two beers". In Arizona, DUI is impaired to the SLIGHTEST degree. Two brews will impair a 280 pound linebacker to the slighest degree, and will probably do the same to you.
"Why don't you arrest the real drunk drivers?" Seriously, wtf?
"I shot Larry in the head four times because he said my myspace page was 'gay'. The gun is under the driver's seat of my car, and I dumped his body in a wash five miles west of milepost 268 off the I-10."
In most criminal cases, the strongest piece of evidence against a defendant is his confession. Remember, without your confession, often the prosecution has no case.
2. Don't give the cops permission to search your car!
If Officer Friendly is asking you if he can search your car, that means he has no right to search your car unless you give him permission; otherwise, he wouldn't be asking you for permission. Officer Friendly is not your friend.
If your sack/glock/bloody glove is in the car (1) he will find it, (2) he will arrest you, and (3) you will call me and I will tell you that you should have Just Said No.
3. I am an excellent attorney, and my boss is a friggen genious, but there is often very little we can do to help you by the time we receive your case, as far as winning a "not guilty" verdict goes.
Just to clear things up, the following are NOT defenses to criminal charges:
"I thought the cop was a prostitute."
"That crank was bunk, anyway."
"I just put my junk a little bit of the way in."
"I just dropped my truck off in the desert for 15 minutes. By the time I came back, someone must have accidently loaded 250 kilos in it."
"I didn't know that Kara_AZ_13 was really Dectective Uhall of the Tucson Police Department. "But it was my first time."
The following are probably not defenses to crimes, but MAY be defenses:
"The bitch ain't even dead." If my file contains an autopsy report, I think the professional rules of conduct bar me from advancing The Bitch Ain't Dead defense.
"I take back what I said to Officer Friendly." Did the cop hold a gun to your head to make you talk? No. Did he forget to read you Miranda? No. Did you waive Miranda and talk to the cop? Yes. Then no take backs, sorry!!!
"I thought it was a regular brownie."
"It was just a butter knife."
"I can't believe it's not butter."
And now for the strong defenses:
"The cop had no reason to pull me over."
"I was asleep, and I've never sleep-walked before."
"The other guy was pointing a gun at me."
"I'm not Juan Rodriguez."
4. Thanks to a conservative Supreme Court and 25 years of tough on crime legislation (seriously, when have you heard of politician win on a 'soft on crime' platform?), the courts are no friends of criminal defendants. By the time you hire me as a lawyer the cards are stacked against you. Remember, 95 percent of the cases where the accused is charged with a crime will result in a criminal conviction.
My advice: Don't commit crime! If you choose to break the law, don't tell the cop about it, and don't let him search your car, okay?
I saw this on the Best of Craig's list...this man deserves a medal for "Best Act of Random Parenting"
Kudos to you unnamed dad from Manhattan Beach, CA...better late than never.
May I present....................
My Son Is A Moron... He Did Not Come From My Loins...
Date: 2006-07-20, 1:39PM PDT
You do everything you can for your kids. God knows I've tried. But it seems like God enjoys a good joke, now and then. I was raised in a strict household. My parents bore offspring from the early-50's to the mid-60's. I was around the middle of this brood. With nine mouths to feed, we did not have a lot of extras. We worked for simple things, like bicycles. Nothing wrong with that. It's what we knew. And we were given a great foundation, on which we could create a life for ourselves. As I said, my parents were strict - which made me not wish to be such with my kids.
Ah, my kids... I'm in my forties, and the wife is a bit younger. I make a fine income, and try not to sweat anything. I get up... have coffee... look out at the ocean... read the paper... move onto my business. I appreciate not having a house full of screaming kids in the morning (something that was impossible when I grew up).
All I ask of my kids is to;
a) be respectful of everyone,
b) be honest
c) get good grades,
d) clean their rooms.
I do not ask for much, nor do I demand much. However... that is going to change tonight.
Events that occurred this morning will bring about change like these kids have never known. The wife has kept me in the dark about some things as well. It's my fault. I accept it. But I can reverse this downward trend - now. My generation (baby-boomers) has found that it is easier to go around a wall, than climb over over it - or knock it down. I'm as guilty as anyone. My guilt turned into rage this morning. My son (and my wife) convinced me that he NEEDED a car (he's seventeen). I was not keen on a kid driving, that has trouble standing a surfboard, or walking down the stairs without tripping. But I relented (again, why fight it). With some stipulations, we aquired a car for this child. The rules were put in place, and he proclaimed we were the greatest parents in the worls. Uh huh... It's 12:00pm, and he has yet to get out of bed. His mother has been instructed to tell my prodigy that he is GROUNDED. We have never done this, but we are today. And I mean GROUNDED in his room! Not out by the pool. Not in the gameroom. His cluttered abode is where he better be when I get home tonight. And I'm going to be stopping for a drink, first. I deserve a drink after this morning. Let me tell you about my day. I go out to my car in the driveway (I have a three-car garage - and "hers" is the only one that fits inside). My insanely over-priced piece of shit refuses to start today (3rd time in 2 months - the car is 6-monthss old). Okay... I call 'AAA'; it will 45-60 minutes. No time to wait. Okay... I'm going to take my kids' car. I go in and retrieve the keys (everyone is till asleep @ 8am). I leave a note telling him to call me. His car is down the street at a friends house. Why? He claimed that our driveway was too crowded (and the other kids might scratch it). Okay... I find his car... set off the alarm... Shit! People, one word; LOJACK. Goddamn, I hate those alarms. Anyways I get in the car, after noticing the REALLY nice rims & tires on it. Hmmm, how did he pay for those? WHEN, did he get those? I get in, and notice a new STEERING WHEEL... without the AIRBAG - that I demanded he have. Oh, this car is totally bitchin' dude! It gets better... I start it up... A huge racket comes from the exhaust (not stock anymore!)... And the stereo starts screaming out profanities! The backseat is now occupied by a huge box with speakers in it... and fast-food trash... and 'ziz-zag' papers... and empty 'trojan' wrappers (a chip off the 'ole block). To say the least I am pissed. I proceed to drive this rattling, screaming (I tear the faceplate off - finally), piece of doo-doo down the road. I swear, I think I awakened everyone in the neighborhood. I head out onto PCH, and drive less than a mile... when MB's finest pulls me over... WTF? I know I wasn't speeding. The officer comes up to the car, and asks for my license and insurance card... I hand over the license, and tell him I'm not sure where the insurance card is - 'it's my son's car'... "look in the glovebox" (he is - actually - smiling now)... I open the glovebox... and a small BONG falls out... I look at him... he looks at me... This is not happening! Oh, but it is. The first thing I say is 'it's not mine!'... "um, sir, could you step out of the car, please"... I get out, and we step onto the sidewalk. He tells me he stopped me for having an illegal exhaust (no shit - it sounds like two-dozen weedwhackers coming down the street). He also informs me that there are plenty more violations on this car... And I start laughing... He asks why am I laughing... And I tell him how my day is going. "What about the water-pipe?" Indeed! I inform him that this is all a surprise to me, but I would like him to write up everything that is illegal about the vehicle. He looks at me like I'm crazy. But I want my kid to learn a lesson. And the officer obliges me. He, even, finds some weed in the trunk... 17 tickets later, we are finished... almost... I ask him if I can keep all of the drug paraphenalia? "Why?" I want my kid to destroy it. I want this kid to know his "fuck-off" days are over. The officer agrees. I could see he was wishing he could be there tonight, for the "lesson". He was pretty decent about the whole thing. This guy took, almost, a half-hour to go through all of this paperwork - and search. I thank him, and head out... He tells me if I get stopped again today, that I should show all the citations to the other officer - and I should not have any problems... Problems?!! We have problems. I have lost control of my family. My wife is a co-conspirator. She has just been told that I want a listing of all of our household bills & accounts. 'Yes, dear - we are going to perform an audit'. She is protesting, but I do not care. This is war. I know my family loves me, but they have played me for a fool. I may be a fool, but I am not dumb. She does not know that I just found out my son is in Summer school, because of bad grades. She doesn't know that DMV has provided me with her, and his, records; apparently they have a problem with obeying traffic laws. It's not going to be easy, but something must be done. I swear, I feel like I have become my father... I want the best for my family, and feel something radical must happen. I can only hope they - truly - understand it is for our own good.
Some things that will be addressed tonight;
1) Son's vehicle is gone; oil up that chain on your bicycle.
2) All three kids will empty out the garage; sell it/ donate it/ whatever.
3) Mom will have a household budget.
4) Chores - that's right; everyone will have assigned chores.
5) Chores will be done, before anything else.
6) Homework will be done daily, before dinner. * Or, immediately after sports events, but always prior to 10pm.
7) Son's tickets will be paid with his allowance.
8) Son is grounded for the rest of the summer.
9) Son will study from 8am until 4pm - daily, durint the rest of summer vacation.
10) Videogames are banned from 10pm until 6pm - daily.
11) Everyone will be up by 8am - daily.
12) The youngest child is on a diet - now.
13) Mother will inform father of ALL infractions.
14) Dad will be home by 6pm - daily.
15) Everyone will eat dinner, together.
16) Mom will cook dinner - and it better not come out of the microwave.
17) The maid is being given four weeks notice. * That is going to be fun - I may not see a sexual interlude for awhile.
18) Dad is getting a new car, and parking it in his garage.
19) Son may get a USED car, when his grades are A's & B's, for two - consecutive - semesters.
20) Mom and son are to attend driving school.
21) Son will explain drug usage - completely, or face rehab & boarding school.
2) Mom will be weaned off of her "medications"; NOW.
23) Children will make their own lunches, for school; no more money for shitty school food.
24) NO soda. Maybe, when we dine out. Maybe, on the weekends.
25) NO MySpace accounts, or any other assinine accounts - a computer geek will check all of their computers - monthly (they need fear put into their lives).
26) Dad will attend all school functions.
27) Everyone will be present for all birthdays.
28) Children will wear clothes that Dad approves of.
29) Mom will dress daughter like a little girl; not a 'hoochie-mama'. * and - definitely - no "juicy" pants on her bottom!
30) Daughter will not have any underwear, except for briefs.
31) Sons will not be told to pull up their pants, or face having said pants donated.
32) NO 'Rap' music, within Dad's hearing range.
33) NO tattoos, until you are out of my house.
34) NO piercings (except for daughter's ears), until you are out of my house.
35) NO dyeing of hair, until you are out of my house.
Did I miss something? I'm continuing to add to the list... Tell me if I missed something... Tell me if I'm wrong... I've seen those "wife-swap" & "nanny" shows... I hate to think that is my life... Wish me luck... I may be sleeping on the patio tonight...
this is in or around Long Letter From Manhattan Beach
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE! KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ANGRY DAD OF MANHATTAN BEACH!