12.31.2006

SHITTY FORTUNE COOKIES

Current mood: MAN WITH FOOT IN MOUTH HAS BREATH OF CORN CHIPS

THE END IS NIGH WRATHKETEERS! I AM BECOME SKWERL...DESTROYER OF WORLDS!

ONE OF MY FAVOURITE TREATS IS THE MODEST FORTUNE COOKIE. TRULY A PERFECT FOOD FOR IT FEEDS THE BODY & THE SOUL. IT'S NOT TOO SWEET, CRUNCHY AND HAS A TINY SLIP OF WISDOM IN EVERY COOKIE.
I HAVE BEGUN IN RECENT MONTHS TO LIMIT MY INTAKE OF CHINESE FOOD IN FAVOUR FOR HEALTHIER FARE, BUT I WILL SWING BY AND GET A BAG ON FORTUNE COOKIES & CRUNCHY NOODLES TO NIBBLE ON.
LATELY THE FORTUNES MADE BY GOLDEN BOWL FOODS SUCK BALLS.
THESE ARE THE FORTUNES I HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO RECIEVE TODAY:
'ITS TOUGH TO BE FACINATING'
'ITS BETTER TO DEAL WITH PROBLEMS BEFORE THEY ARISE'
'REMEMBER THE BIRTHDAY, BUT NEVER THE AGE'
THIS ONE BY FAR IS THE WORST...'IF WE ARE ALL WORMS, TRY TO BE A GLOW WORM'

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? WHO WROTE THIS SHIT...AN MBA? AN HR ADMINISTRATOR? WTF!
I SUGGEST ALL THE FINE CHINESE DINING ESTABLISHMENTS TO RISE UP AGAINST MEDIOCRE FORTUNES & DEMAND BETTER WORDS OF WISDOM OR TAKE THEIR BUSINESS ELSWHERE.

UNGOWA!
SKWERL POWER

SKWERLY WORDS OF WISDOM

Current mood: HAHAHAHAHA- I KILL ME.
THOSE WHO DO NOT REMEMBER HISTORY, ARE CONDEMNED TO REPEAT IT.
DESPITE MINORING IN HISTORY, MY BEHAVIOUR IS REMINISCENT OF PERT PLUS: LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT.
I GET IN A LATHER, BATHE IN TEARS, DO IT AGAIN.
WELL, NO ONE CAN SAY I'M NOT THE ETERNAL OPTIMIST.
FUCKIN' A RIGHT
BAD ASS SKWERL

12.28.2006

Tuesday, December 26, 2006 GOODBYE MR. BROWN

A VERY SAD DAY MUSIC LOVERS...
JAMES BROWN- THE GODFATHER OF SOUL & HARDEST WORKING MAN IN SHOW BUSINESS DIED EARLY CHRISTMAS DAY, HE WAS AGE 73.

MR. BROWN WAS AN INNOVATOR & ONE HELL OF A SHOWMAN STILL SPINNING LIKE A TOP, BELTING OUT THE FUNK & DOING THOSE CROTH-BOGGLING SPLITS EVEN TO THIS DAY.

I PICTURE HIS EARTHLY DEPARTURE LOOKED LIKE THE END OF ONE OF HIS SHOWS, DOWN ON ONE KNEE- EXHAUSTED. A ROADIE COMES OUT WITH HIS SEQUINED CAPE THAT MATCHES HIS FORM FITTING SUIT TAILORED BY THE SAME MAN WHO DID ELVIS'...THEN JUST WHEN YOU THINK HE WILL TAKE HIS BOW *KACHOW* HE TOSSES THE CAPE & KEEPS GOING.

DEAREST MR. BROWN, THERE WILL BE NO OTHER- AND YOU WILL BE MISSED. SKWERL

YEAR END WRAP-UP, 2K6

Current mood: SKWERLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS WELL, IT'S BEEN ONE HELL OF A YEAR WRATHKETEERS! THE FOAMYNATION & CULT ARE GOING SWIMMINGLY, I HAVE MANAGED TO MAINTAIN EMPLOYMENT AND HAVE ADOPTED A NEW BETTER OUTLOOK ON ME, WHILE HAVING HIGHER EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS.
DOORMAT-NO-MORE!
THERE IS BEAUTY AND LOVE OUT THERE FOR ME, AS LONG AS THERE IS LIFE, THERE'S HOPE. I LIKE ME, AND MOST FOLKS DO TOO. I CARE DEEPLY FOR MANY THINGS AND A FEW PEOPLE, AND I THINK THEY RECIPROCATE.
SO I'M NOT SWIMMING IN MONEY & MY DREAM JOB...YET- BUT I WILL. SUCCESS ISN'T ALWAYS MEASURED BY YOUR PAYCHECK OR POSSESIONS...IT'S ALSO MEASURED IN THE JOY YOU REAP FROM THE THE VERY ACT OF LIVING.


IN THAT I AM A GREAT SUCCESS.
CHEERS WRATHKETEERS
FOR SKWERL-LANG-SINE

12.26.2006

THE SIMPLE PLEASURES OF ADULT LIFE

Current mood: IT'S NOT READY TILL ITS REDDI!

APRES-HOLIDAY GREETINGS WRATHKERINOS!

I HOPE YOU ALL HAD A LOVELY CHRISTMAS & GOT LOTS OF PRESENTS. I MADE OUT LIKE A BANDIT THIS YEAR: 32" LCD HDTV, ASSORTED DIGITAL MEDIA (CD'S, DVD'S)...BOB DYLAN'S NEWEST ALBUM! YAY 4 SKWERL! GOT TO DO SOME STUFF AND MADE A LOVELY TURKEY & A HAM.

ALL IN ALL A DAMN FINE CHRISTMAS, WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE LITTLE PLEASURES IN LIFE THAT COME WITH ADULTHOOD & I AM THANKFUL FOR THEM.
LIKE THESE FOR INSTANCE:

PUTTING YOUR FEET ON THE COFFEE TABLE
DRINK MILK RIGHT FROM THE CARTON IF YOU'RE INTO THAT
DRINK 1/2 A BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS, DO YOUR NAILS AND WATCH A CHRISTMAS STORY IN YOUR SEXY VICKIES UNDERPANTS.
A GOOD SHAG OR TWO
THE JOY OF OWNING THE COOL PET- THE ONE WHO GETS TO HANG OUT.
EATING REDDI-WHIP FROM THE CAN WHILE LEAVING THE FRIDGE DOOR OPEN.
YOU CAN LEAVE THE HOUSE WITH WET HAIR
RUNNING WITH SCISSORS
CROSSING ON THE GREEN *AND* IN-BETWEEN
WATCH PORN, DRINK & SMOKE LEGALLY.
CHILI DOG W/MUSTARD, RAW ONIONS & CHEESE IS PART OF A BALANCED BREAKFAST.
YOU DON'T NEED SANTA TO BRING YOU TOYS WHEN YOU HAVE VISA.
YOU MEET/EXCEED THE HEIGHT REQUIREMENT ON ROLLERCOASTERS.
NAPKINS, COASTERS & WIPING YOUR FEET ARE OPTIONAL.

I THINK I'M OFF TO GET SOME REDDI-WHIP
SKWERLY SKWERL

12.20.2006

CRAPPY CHANUKAH- DAY 5

Current mood: ITS THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GUILTING THE WHOLE YEAR THRU
CRAPPY HANNUKAH, DAY 5
TONIGHT YOU GET TO CHOOSE YOUR DISAPPOINTMENT WITH A WEIRD (and very expensive) MENORAH! EACH ONE NOT ONLY HOLDS CANDLES- EACH ONE HOLDS MUCH SYMBOLISM...NOT JUST REPRESENTATIONAL OF THE GREAT MIRACLE EITHER.

IF YOU'RE TERRIFIED OF CLOWNS, THIS WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAMS, IT'S CALLED CAN'T SLEEP- CLOWNS WILL EAT ME.
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THIS ONE SAYS: WHY CAN'T YOU BE A DOCTOR/LAWYER/DENTIST/TEACHER LIKE YOUR COUSIN RACHAEL? I CALL IT EIGHT NIGHTS OF INADEQUACY.
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THIS ONE IS POPULAR WITH MOTHERS FAR & WIDE: WHEN AM I GOING TO GET GRANDKIDS? .
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WOW...THAT'S A BLUE...MOOSE...MENORAH? DON'T STARE INTO ITS EYES, IT WILL STEAL YOUR SOUL.
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...THIS IS THE PENULTIMATE GIFT FOR THE SINGLE GAL, I CALL IT THE MEN-NIGHTMARE. IF YOU LISTEN REEEEALY CLOSE YOU CAN ALMOST HEAR THE HOLIDAYS: "SO, ARE YOU SEEING ANYONE? MY NEIGHBOR STELLA'S SISTER'S HUSBANDS NEPHEW'S DENTIST IS SINGLE, MAYBE I COULD INTRODUCE? UUGH, YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING! YOU'RE GONNA DIE AN OLD MAID...AND I'M NEVAH GONNA HAVE GRANDCHILDREN. YOU'RE KILLING ME, YOU KNOW. I HAVE TO SIT DOWN, I'M GETTING THE ANGINA. SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME? WHERE DID I GO WRONG..."
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I'M GOING TO, UM- GO DO...STUFF...SOMEWHERE...ELSE
SKWERL

12.19.2006

CRAPPY CHANUKAH- DAY 4

Current mood: HOLY MOSES- THERE'S 4 MORE TO GO.

CRAPPY CHANUKAH DAY 4 WRATHKETEERS!

OH MY GOYIM- HERE COMES EVERY OLD LADIES FAVOURITE...
IT'S A WOOL SWEATER....AWWW AND ITS GOT A LITTLE MENORAH ON IT.
COME HERE LET ME SEE, TURN AROUND...AWWW.

(WARNING: DEEP TISSUES DAMAGE FROM AGRESSIVE CHEEK PINCHING AND ITCHINESS MAY OCCUR WHEN WORN.)


TOO PRECIOUS
LA ESQUILA

12.18.2006

CRAPPY CHANUKAH! DAY 3

Current mood: OY! TO THE WORLD

CRAPPY CHANUKAH DAY 3 WRATHKETEERS!

TONIGHT'S GIFT (drumroll.........)

OMG...UNDERPANTS?

OH YES...DIG THOSE CHANUKAH MAN-PANTIES

WELL...I FEEL AWKWARD
L'CHAIM
L'SKWERL

YOU CAN GET THIS & OTHER WILD WACKY & RACY JUDAICA GIFTS AT http://www.jewishfashionconspiracy.com/

12.17.2006

CRAPPY CHANUKAH! DAY 2

Current mood: I'M UNDERWHELEMED
CRAPPY CHANUKAH, DAY 2 WRATHKETEERS!

YAY A PENCIL!

JUST WHAT I NEEDED...FOR...WRITING STUFF.
GEE THANKS

O ESQUILO

12.16.2006

VIRTUAL HANUKKAH, DAY 1

Current mood: no really...I love them
SEASONS GREETINGS WRATHKETEERS!
HERE AT SKWERL CENTRAL WE CELEBRATE HANNUKAH, CHRISTMAS & KWANZAA...AND SINCE THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I'M BUYING GIFTS FOR ALL OF YOU MAY I PRESENT:

VIRTUAL HANNUKAH GIFT, DAY 1:
TUBE SOCKS!
HOPE THEY FIT OK!
SKWERLITA

12.13.2006

CHRISTMAS & THE SINGLE LIFE

Current mood: WHY DOES MY INNER VOICE SOUND LIKE LITTLE RICHARD AT A TENT REVIVAL?


THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS THIS CHRISTMAS FROM SUCKING AS BAD AS PREVIOUS YEARS IS THAT I DON'T HAVE TO OBSESS OVER "DID HE GET ME SOMETHING? "WILL HE LIKE THIS?" "WILL I SEE HIM?" "DOES HE REALLY CARE?"
(CUE THE TENT REVIVAL MUSIC...)

'CAUSE I AIN'T WITH THAT OR ANY OTHER SELFISH MOTHERFUCKER THIS YEAR- ALLA-FUCKING-LOOOYA
(CAN I HAVE AN AMEN!)

I DONE PUT UP THE CHRISTMAS TREES: ONE IN MY LIVING ROOM, ONE IN MY BEDROOM.
(THAT'S RIGHT)

LIGHTS ON THE HOUSE
(AMEN SISTER SKWERL)

PIMP LIGHTS ON MY WORKSPACE
(TESTIFY, AMEN)

I HAVE GOTTEN THE SWIRLY OF DESPAIR!
(OH YES)

I HAVE WRESTLED WITH THE LAWN GNOMES OF LONELIENESS
(DAMN RIGHT)

I HAVE OVERCOME!
(PREACH IT SISTER SKWERL)

I AIN'T STICKIN' MY HEAD IN THE TOILET OF DEPAIR WAITIN FOR THE SWIRLY, OH YESS-AH
I BEAT DOWN THE DAMN LONELY GNOMES! I AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT NO MORE!
(WHOOOHOO)

I CAN BE BAD ALLLLL BY MY DAMN SELF, I DON'T NEED YOU LYING, AMIBIVALENT, COULDN'T FIND YOUR ASS WITH BOTH HANDS- LET ALONE FIND A DAMN FINE WOMAN LIKE ME, CLUELESS DOUCHEBAGS- YA HEAR! DON'T NEED YA!

THE RIGHT ONE IS-A-ON HIS WAAAY-YA
AND WE GONNA HAVE A BLAST-AAH
THERE WILL BE RATED NC-17 FUN-AAH
AND ADAM SANDLER MOVIES-AH
AND YOU WILL BE THE KILLER OF SPIDERSSS, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!

GIVE A SKWERL AN AMEN
AAAAAYYYMENNNNNN-UUUH

12.08.2006

YAY SNOW!

Current mood: IM IN UR KRIZMAS, STEELIN UR HO HO HOZ

THE FIRST SNOW HAS FALLEN!

A QUICKY SNOW SQUALL PASSED OVER THE DEATHSTAR, GETTING IT ALL CHRISTMASSY.

I HAVE RESPONDED IN KIND BY PIMPING MY CUBE...WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF JR. WRATHKETEER CLAUDIA. THE CHARLIE BROWN LITES AWAIT MANAGEMENT APPROVAL PRIOR TO THE CUBE LIGHTING FESTIVITIES.


FELIZ NAVIDAD WRATHKETEERS! THE SKWERLY ONE

12.01.2006

IS IT A TITSLING OR IS IT A BRASSIERE?

Current mood: SERIOUSLY, I'M GONNA RIP THIS FUCKER OFF!

GLORIOUS DECEMBER GREETINGS WRATHKETEERS! WELCOME TO THE LAST MONTH OF 2006.
TODAY MY RANT IS OF PARTICULAR INTEREST TO THE LADIES. AS MOST OF YOU KNOW WOMEN HAVE BREASTS. SOME ARE LARGE, SOME SMALL- SOME NONE AT ALL. WE CALL THE LATTER GROUP NICOLE RITCHIE. I FALL INTO THE FIRST CATEGORY- AND THEY ARE OEM (ORIGINAL EQUIPMENT MAMMARIES.)


FOR THE MOST PART WE WOMEN LIKE OUR BOOBS, AND IF NOT WE CAN TAKE THEM TO THE BOOB MECHANIC FOR AFTERMARKET PARTS, ADJUSTMENTS OR REMOVABLE ENHANCEMENTS.
REMARKABLE THINGS THOSE BREASTISSIS ARE: THEY HOLD UP OUR SHIRTS, CAN CAMOFLAGE OTHER LESS PLEASING ATTRIBUTES LIKE STUPIDITY, LURE MEN TO THEIR DOOM/MARRIAGE & THEY MAKE FOOD FOR BABIES. A WONDER OF INTELLIGENT DESIGN, FORM & FUNCTION.


THEY DO HAVE ONE DESIGN FLAW. WHAT GRINDS MY GEARS IS THAT WE CAN PUT A MAN ON THE MOON, GROW EARS ON MICE AND MAKE A CELEBRITY OUT OF PARIS HILTON...BUT NOT A COMFORTABLE, PRACTICAL AND ATTRACTIVE CONTRIVANCE TO HOLD THEM UP.
PLACES LIKE VICTORIA'S SECRET & CACIQUE 'SAY' THEY HAVE THE ANSWER TO OUR MAMMARIAN WOES... IF YOU'LL GIVE THEM $40-50. SO WE DO, ONLY TO BE MET WITH DISAPPOINTMENT & DISCOMFORT.


AS I WRITE THIS BLOGIFIED RANT, I HAVE HAD TO STOP 6 TIMES TO READJUST THE TWINS' SATIN TRIMMED SPANDEX CAGES. GRANTED, I COULD GO WITHOUT...AND HAVE TO USE A WHEELBARROW TO LUG MY BOOBS AROUND IN 10 YEARS. I COULD GET A REDUCTION...BUT WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT? I WOULD HAVE TO MAKE *INTELLIGENT* CONVERSATION & CARRY MY OWN GROCERIES- FUCK THAT SHIT!

SO I'M PUTTING OUT A CHALLENGE TO ALL THE UNDERWEAR DESIGNERS OUT THERE: MAKE THE WORLD A PERKY PLACE BY REINVENTING THE BRASSIERE TO BE COMFORTABLE AS IT IS PRETTY. WE PUT OUR BOOBS IN YOUR HANDS, DON'T DISAPPOINT US!

LA SKWERLITA- OLE!