Current mood: SERIOUSLY, I'M GONNA RIP THIS FUCKER OFF!
GLORIOUS DECEMBER GREETINGS WRATHKETEERS! WELCOME TO THE LAST MONTH OF 2006.
TODAY MY RANT IS OF PARTICULAR INTEREST TO THE LADIES. AS MOST OF YOU KNOW WOMEN HAVE BREASTS. SOME ARE LARGE, SOME SMALL- SOME NONE AT ALL. WE CALL THE LATTER GROUP NICOLE RITCHIE. I FALL INTO THE FIRST CATEGORY- AND THEY ARE OEM (ORIGINAL EQUIPMENT MAMMARIES.)
FOR THE MOST PART WE WOMEN LIKE OUR BOOBS, AND IF NOT WE CAN TAKE THEM TO THE BOOB MECHANIC FOR AFTERMARKET PARTS, ADJUSTMENTS OR REMOVABLE ENHANCEMENTS.
REMARKABLE THINGS THOSE BREASTISSIS ARE: THEY HOLD UP OUR SHIRTS, CAN CAMOFLAGE OTHER LESS PLEASING ATTRIBUTES LIKE STUPIDITY, LURE MEN TO THEIR DOOM/MARRIAGE & THEY MAKE FOOD FOR BABIES. A WONDER OF INTELLIGENT DESIGN, FORM & FUNCTION.
THEY DO HAVE ONE DESIGN FLAW. WHAT GRINDS MY GEARS IS THAT WE CAN PUT A MAN ON THE MOON, GROW EARS ON MICE AND MAKE A CELEBRITY OUT OF PARIS HILTON...BUT NOT A COMFORTABLE, PRACTICAL AND ATTRACTIVE CONTRIVANCE TO HOLD THEM UP.
PLACES LIKE VICTORIA'S SECRET & CACIQUE 'SAY' THEY HAVE THE ANSWER TO OUR MAMMARIAN WOES... IF YOU'LL GIVE THEM $40-50. SO WE DO, ONLY TO BE MET WITH DISAPPOINTMENT & DISCOMFORT.
AS I WRITE THIS BLOGIFIED RANT, I HAVE HAD TO STOP 6 TIMES TO READJUST THE TWINS' SATIN TRIMMED SPANDEX CAGES. GRANTED, I COULD GO WITHOUT...AND HAVE TO USE A WHEELBARROW TO LUG MY BOOBS AROUND IN 10 YEARS. I COULD GET A REDUCTION...BUT WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT? I WOULD HAVE TO MAKE *INTELLIGENT* CONVERSATION & CARRY MY OWN GROCERIES- FUCK THAT SHIT!
SO I'M PUTTING OUT A CHALLENGE TO ALL THE UNDERWEAR DESIGNERS OUT THERE: MAKE THE WORLD A PERKY PLACE BY REINVENTING THE BRASSIERE TO BE COMFORTABLE AS IT IS PRETTY. WE PUT OUR BOOBS IN YOUR HANDS, DON'T DISAPPOINT US!
LA SKWERLITA- OLE!
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