The Gospel According to Skwerl

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

2007-10-24T03:17:00.001-04:00

REGRESSION & REGRET
Current mood: FUCKERY+ CRANKY = ME :)

SO AS I ENTER THE 35TH YEAR OF MY BIRTH, I HAVE BEGUN TO RUE THE DAY I WAS SHAT FROM MY MOTHER'S WOMB. I FEEL I HAVE MADE NO WORTHWHILE CONTRIBUTION TO THE WORLD OR MY INNER CIRCLE...ALL BECAUSE I GOT SIDETRACKED IN MY 20'S.
I SPENT MY 20'S CHAINED TO ONE UNDESERVING ASSHOLE OR ANOTHER. MY LOVE AND AFFECTION WAS USED AS A WEAPON, A RESTRAINT & A MEANS TO MY CONFIDENCE'S DESTRUCTION. NOW I'M LOOKING DOWN THE BARREL OF OF THE 40'S AND I AM STARTING TO WONDER WHY. WHY WOULD SUCH DOUCHEBAGGERY WANT A HOME IN MY HEART? WHY WAS I SO EASILY TRICKED INTO THINKING THEY ACTUALLY LOVED ME? WHY DID I NOT SEE IT FOR WHAT IT WAS, NOT WHAT I WANTED IT TO BE?
WHY DID I WASTE 8 YEARS TETHERED TO A GUY WHY USED ME AS ARMCANDY & A FUCK TOY FOR 4 OF THOSE YEARS BEFORE HE ENEN CONDESCENDED TO MAKE ME HIS ACTUAL GIRLFRIEND? WHY DID I MOVE BACK FROM SAN JUAN TO LET IT CONTINUE? WHY AM I SO PISSED THAT HE GOT SOME 22 YEAR OLD KNOCKED UP & THEN MARRIED HER 2 MONTHS LATER. I DUMPED HIM, I DON'T HAVE ANY ROMANTIC FEELING TOWARD HIM...MAYBE I'M JUST PISSED THAT I JUMPED THRU SO MANY HOOPS JUST TO GET THE SLIGHTEST GLIMMER OF AFFECTION...WELL, AT LEAST I'M NOT KNOCKED UP.
IT SEEMS TO ME I AM MY OWN WORSE ENEMY, I HAVE HAD TOO MUCH FAITH IN THE HEARTS OF MEN...ESPECIALLY THE ONES THAT ARE ALLEDGEDLY "GOOD" ONLY TO BE LEFT TO WRACK & RUIN. I ASK VERY LITTLE OF THEM- AND THAT IS PRECISELY WHAT I HAVE GOTTEN.
I BASICALLY LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT REGRET- UNTIL NOW. I REGRET BELIEVING ANY MAN WHO WAS NOT MY DAD EVER REALLY CARED FOR ME. I REGRET TAKING SO MUCH SHIT. I REGRET NOT EXPECTING & DEMANDING MORE METAPHYSICALLY & ROMANTICALLY OF THE MEN IN MY LIFE. I REGRET FEELING GUILTY FOR BEING ANGRY BECAUSE OF IT. THAT CAN'T BE HEALTHY
THAT BEING SAID- TO ALL OF YOU 'GENTLEMEN' WHO USED OR HURT ME UNDER THE GUISE OF AFFECTION: MAY YOUR NEXT SHIT BE SQUARE & DRY, HOPE YOU DIE IN A FIERY PLANE CRASH AND THAT THE DEVIL CORNHOLES YOU NIGHTLY...OH, AND MAY YOUR PEEN & MANBERRIES BE COVERED WITH PAPERCUTS, AND OPEN HERPETIC COLD SORES DOUSED WITH SALTY LEMON JUICE. NOTHING WOULD BRING ME MORE PLEASURE, ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU PROBABLY COULDN'T. (YEAH THATS RIGHT- I FAKED IT A FEW TIMES, NOW GUESS WITH WHOM...BWAHAHAHAHAA) mine is an evil laugh muahahahaha
WELL- THAT DOES MAKE ME FEEL BETTER...NOW THAT UNPLEASANTNESS IS OFF MY SIZABLE CHEST I CAN MOVE ON AND SEEK OUT A NON-FUCKWIT WHICH I CAN SHARE THE BOUNTY OF MY HEART & 'ASSETS' WITH
TOODLES
-SKWERL, PATRON SAINT TO THE UNDERESTIMATED
Currently listening : Down - Over The Under By Down

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

2007-10-24T03:16:00.001-04:00

FOR NOELLE
On Tuesday, September 11th, 0847 am EDT- at the beginning of a new day of infamy....a little girl was born.
9/11 will always mean balloons & cake & presents to her. Barbie pink, High School Musical and Happy Birthday will be remembered. She will always be the princess on that day. There will be smiles and singing and laughter on her day.
On 9/11 she will be Sweet 16, and the belle of the ball.
9/11 will be the day she gets her drivers license, her 1st legal beer- maybe a tattoo.
9/11 will be the day she goes from her carefree 20's to her adult 30's.
Her little girl or boy will wreck her kitchen on 9/11, attempting to make some very bad waffles & burnt toast served in bed. (Their dad will do clean up duty)
That's the day I will try to remember, without forgetting the rest.
god bless- skwerl

Sunday, September 09, 2007

2007-10-24T03:12:00.001-04:00

THE RESULT OF BOREDOM, DIDN’T GO OUT
TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:
SHANNON

Birthday:
10/26

Birthplace:
NEW BRUNSWICK

Current Location:
JAMESBURG

Eye Color:
GREEN/BLUE

Hair Color:
DARK BROWN

Height:
5'6"

Right Handed or Left Handed:
LEFT

Your Heritage:
IRISH, GERMAN RUSSIAN

The Shoes You Wore Today:
CHUCK TAYLORS

Your Weakness:
MUSICIANS, STRAY ANIMALS

Your Fears:
DEATH BY GARBAGE TRUCK

Your Perfect Pizza:
PEPPERS, MUSHROOMS, SAUSAGE

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:
SIZE 10, NEW JOB

Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:
F/Y

Thoughts First Waking Up:
1AM?

Your Best Physical Feature:
NOSE, LIPS

Your Bedtime:
1500

Your Most Missed Memory:
DAD

Pepsi or Coke:
NEITHER

MacDonalds or Burger King:
TACO BELL

Single or Group Dates:
1+1

Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:
NESTEA

Chocolate or Vanilla:
CHOCOLATE

Cappuccino or Coffee:
COFFEE

Do you Smoke:
YES

Do you Swear:
CHRONICALLY

Do you Sing:
I HAVE

Have you Been in Love:
YES, STUPID HEART

Do you want to go to College:
WENT ALREADY

Do you want to get Married:
EVENTUALLY

Do you believe in yourself:
YES

Do you get Motion Sickness:
NOPE

Do you think you are Attractive:
NOT BAD

Are you a Health Freak:
FUCK NO

Do you get along with your Parents:
YES

Do you like Thunderstorms:
AFTER I UNPLUG MY ELECTRONICS, YES

Do you play an Instrument:
YES, A FEW

In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:
YUP

In the past month have you Smoked:
CAMEL WIDES

In the past month have you been on Drugs:
NOPE

In the past month have you gone on a Date:
NOPE

In the past month have you gone to a Mall:
NOPE

In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:
NOPE

In the past month have you eaten Sushi:
NOT LATELY

In the past month have you been on Stage:
NOPE

In the past month have you been Dumped:
NOPE

In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:
NOT LATELY

In the past month have you Stolen Anything:
NOPE

Ever been Drunk:
HELL YES

Ever been called a Tease:
NO

Ever been Beaten up:
YES

Ever Shoplifted:
NO

How do you want to Die:
A MESSY BLAZE OF GLORY

What do you want to be when you Grow Up:
ENGINEER

What country would you most like to Visit:
UK, BELGIUM

In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:

GREEN, BLUE
Favourite Hair Color:

DOESN'T MATTER

Short or Long Hair:
BALD IS BEAUTIFUL

Height:
just right

Weight:
yes

Best Clothing Style:
JEANS, TSHIRTS, CHUCKS

Number of Drugs I have taken:
A FEW

Number of CDs I own:
QUITE A FEW

Number of Piercings:
8

Number of Tattoos:
4 BY THE END OF OCT.

Number of things in my Past I Regret:
NOT A DAMN THING..>

Currently listening : American Psycho By Misfits

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

2007-10-24T03:10:00.000-04:00

MORE FUCKERY & FAIL

GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS MY WRATHKETEERS.
TODAY I AM FEELING QUITE RANTY. BETTER BUCKLE UP
I HAVE A CRAPPY JOB. I DON'T HIDE IT, NOR DO I HATE IT. THE PAY IS SHIT, NO BENEFITS, PAID HOLIDAYS AND I WORK HALF OF EVERY WEEKEND. YET STILL I DONT HATE IT. I HAVE A DEGREE, LIVE FOR THE TECHNOLOGY THAT THE DEATHSTAR EXPOSES ME TO, SECRETLY RESENTING THE FULLTIME TECHS FOR DOING WHAT I CAN ONLY WISH TO DO. STILL, I DON'T HATE MY JOB.
UNTIL TODAY.
ITS NOT ENOUGH THAT HALF OF US GET PAID 50% TO 1/3 OF WHAT OUR INDUSTRY COUNTERPARTS GET WHILE THE REST GET OUTSOURCED TO SOMEPLACE WHERE THE WORKERS ARE PAID IN TINFOIL, BITS OF STRING & FOOD. ITS NOT ENOUGH THAT THERE IS ONE COMMUNAL STAPLER & POST IT PAD FOR 50 PEOPLE TO USE.IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT THE WATER PURIFIER/COOLER WAS REMOVED (WE HAVE WELL WATER & SEPTIC HERE- DRINKING THAT SWILL IS OUT OF THE QUESTION.)
SO WHAT COERCED MY IRE?
THEY REPLACED THE ALREADY SHITTY, FLIMSY, SUPER MEGA ROLL TOILET PAPER THAT REPLACED THE ORIGINAL SO-SO NORMAL ROLL TP- WITH AN EVEN SHITTIER, NEARLY TRANSPARENT *AND* SCRATCHY TOILET PAPER. NO MATTER HOW CAREFULLY YOU TRY TO PULL IT FROM THE DISPENSER IT SHREADS INTO MICROSCOPIC SPLINTERS AND TATTERS, TATTERS THAT LEAVE MY HINDQUARTERS FEELING NOT SO FRESH & A LITTLE SORE.
TO CALL IT JOHN WAYNE BRAND WOULD BE AN INSULT TO JOHN WAYNE SINCE HE WAS TOUGH AS NAILS AND DON'T TAKE SHIT OFF NO ONE. THIS IS MORE LIKE ABRASIVE FAIL ON A ROLL.
FUCKING DEATHSTAR, YOU FAIL
SKWERL

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

2007-10-24T03:07:00.000-04:00

ANOTHER GEM FROM CRAIG’S LIST
asshole kids.
THANK YOU WHOEVER YOU ARE....I THINK I LOVE YOU.

Kids- I dont have kids. My friends dont have kids. My experience with little kids is fairly limited. However, i have fairly extensive experience with junior high and high school kids. And y'know what? They're spoiled, arrogant little assholes. When I see some kid at the restaurant that wont take off his headphones or put away his PSP to eat dinner, I want to slap his parents in the face. When I watch Nanny 911 or Supernanny and I hear some beanbag housewife whining that she cant control her 3 year old, I want to kick my television set to the floor. When I hear some little crotchfruit at Meijers throwing a tantrum because he cant have a video game/candy bar/toy, I want to go up to him and scream at him as loudly as i possibly can, until my throat is raw and bleeding and i'm screaming a fine red mist all over this little shit's face. What the fuck ever happened to discipline? NO MEANS NO. It doesnt even have to involve spankings, I was spanked maybe 3 times when I was a kid. Those 3 times were enough. YOU'RE the parent, YOU'RE the adult, YOU ARE IN CONTROL. I'm sorry, but if you're 30 and cant control a 3 year old you belong in a home with someone spooning applesauce into your stupid piehole. If you dont want to take the time to be a parent, dont have kids. It IS a choice, if abortion is against your beliefs then give the baby up to one of the thousands of couples who cant have kids but desperatly want them. (unless their gay, because we all know gay people cant raise babies. two people who love eachother are only allowed children if the peepees dont match.) Parenting takes time and effort, I'm pretty sure on that one, and by time and effort I do NOT mean plunking them down in front of the television for 5 hours. It does not mean buying a 4 year old an X-BOX 360 so "he wont get bored." HE'S 4. A four year old can play with a box and some lawn chairs for hours on end, and be perfectly happy. However, when the kid is stacking the lawnchairs on the box and then trying to stand on top of it and falls, YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SUE THE LAWN CHAIR COMPANY. You were supposed to be watching him, hell, maybe helping him build his fort, not sitting on your ass in the other room talking on the phone, painting your nails, and watching Dr. Phil. You are not entitled to monetary damages because you're an idiot. I wish I was a judge, I'd be like Judge Judy except with more profanity. People, the world has been dumbed down enough. Stop freaking out and whining about television/music/games/movies and fucking it up for adults. You dont like the vulgar music your kids listen to? I agree, it's a little disturbing to have a 10 year old walking around singing "my humps" or "crazy bitch", so maybe dont buy them the cd's? I like the cd's and I'm 26 years old, but because of your bitching certain stores wont carry the cds I might enjoy. You dont like violent video games? Quit waiting in line for 234231 hours the day after Thanksgiving to buy them x-box nine billion. Does your 8 year old really need a shirt that says TEASE and itty bitty shorts that say JUICY on the butt? You want to paint her a big red sandwich board that says "PEDOPHILES PLEASE LOOK AT ME" while you're at it? Exercise a little discipline and maybe some personal self-control. You dont have to buy them everything they ask for. Or, if some analogies might help you out here, quit digging your own grave, quit making the bed that you will sleep in, quit shooting yourself in the foot. Do not buy a video game and then freak out and attempt to sue video game companies because it "made" your kid attempt to torch your neighbors cat. Do some research. Wait, that might take up some of your Days of our Lives programming time, maybe try it at night, after you shoot your husband down for sex because you've been too tired "watching the kids" all day. He can sneak off to his laptop to look at porn, you can sit in the living room and actually try making yourself a better parent. It's so much easier to do that without those pesky kids around. Fuck you and your whiny, spoiled, irritating, pussy kids. (and before you email me saying YOU'RE NOT A MOTHER SO YOU DONT KNOW, realize that I dont care. Whether or not I'm a mother has nothing to do with how crappy you are as a parent. When I see your child, it's in public, where they should be on their best behavior. If this is how they act in public, good fucking luck with them at home.)

CALL THE WAAHMBULANCE

2007-04-11T06:32:00.000-04:00

MORNING, NOON AND NIGHT ALL I HEAR IS 'DON IMUS IS A RACIST, HE SHOULD BE FIRED' WAAH WAAH WAAH.I TRULY DISAGREE WITH WHAT HE SAID- IN FACT I BELIEVE THE SCARLET LADIES OF RUTGERS ARE A FINE TEAM OF YOUNG LADIES.
DON IMUS IS A DOUCHEBAG...BUT THAT DOUCHEBAG LIVES HERE IN THE GOOD OLD U.S. OF A- WHICH MEANS HE HAS THE FREEDOM TO SAY DOUCHEBAGGY THINGS TILL HIS VOICE GOES HOARSE- PERIOD. HIS DETRACTORS ALSO HAVE THE RIGHT TO DISAGREE OPENLY, WITHOUT FEAR OF REPRISAL. GOD BLESS AMERICA.
I REMEMBER JESSE JACKSON'S HEIMEYTOWN COMMENT- NO ONE CALLED FOR HIS HEAD ON A PLATTER, NOR DID ANYONE SEEK VENGEANCE FOR THE NUMEROUS RACIST AND OFFENSIVE COMMENTS FROM SHARPTON, ROSIE O'DONNELL, OR THE ILLUSTRIOUS LEADER OF THE NATION OF ISLAM LOUIS FARRAKHAN. BESIDES, MOST OF WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY IS BLAH BLAH BLAH TO GET THEM ON TV.
FREE SPEECH ISN'T ALWAYS PRETTY, OFTENTIMES IT IS OFFENSIVE, CONDESCENDING AND BORING...BUT OPINIONS LIKE ASSHOLES- ARE FOR EVERYONE.
WHEN I HEAR SO MANY WHINE ABOUT THE U.S. BEING A RACIST NATION, I THINK BACK TO THE LATE 50'S AND 60'S- BLACK FOLKS WERE SEGREGATED; COULDN'T SHARE A LUNCH AT THE SAME DINER COUNTER, USE THE SAME DRINKING FOUNTAINS, RESTROOMS...SCHOOLS. THAT WAS A RACIST NATION. NOW FAST FORWARD TO 2007 AND LOOK AT THE POWER STRUCTURE OF OUR GOVERNMENT. IT IS VERY COLOURFUL INDEED. DON'T BELIEVE ME: THE MOST POWERFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD ISN'T THE PRESIDENT...ITS THE SECRETARY OF STATE- WHO I'D LIKE TO REMIND YOU IS AN INTELLIGENT BLACK WOMAN FROM A SMALL TOWN CALLED TITUSVILLE, ALABAMA. SHE SUCCEEDED COLIN POWELL- WHO GREW UP DIRT POOR, AND ALSO HAPPENS TO BE STRONG BLACK MAN. WHAT A DIFFERENCE A FEW DECADES MADE IN THE HEARS AND MINDS OF MEN.
MAKE NO MISTAKE, THERE IS RACISM IN THE HEARTS OF ALL OF US, BUT GIVING CREEDENCE BY FEEDING THE MACHINE WON'T NEGATE ITS PROGRESS...PAYING IT NO MIND AND PROVING IT WRONG WILL.

FUCKING WINTER

2007-03-09T04:33:00.000-05:00

FUCK WINTER, END ALREADY.SOORY FOR THE NO POSTS IN A WHILE WRATHKEERS, NOTHING HAS BEEN GOING ON AS OF LATE. STILL SINGLE, SEXLESS AND WORKING THE GRAVEYARD SHIFT.
NOT THAT I'M COMPLAINING...EXCEPT FOR THE SEX PART- I NEED A GOOD SHAG.
THANKFULLY MY FRIENDS HAVE MADE SURE I DON'T INDULGE WHERE I SHOULDN'T (THANKS BRENDA, LEAD SINGERS = NO, BAD SHANNON)
IT THIS UNENDING WINTER, NO SEX AND NO CAR HAVING THING- ITS GETTING ME DOWN. THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL SORTOF. THE ENGINE IS ON ITS WAY! YAY- MY LITTLE TOPLESS PONY WILL BE COMING HOME SOON WITH A BRANDY NEW ENGINE- WHICH I MAY MODIFY FOR HORSEPOWER. IF I CAN'T GET LAID, AT LEAST I CAN GO FAST.
THE JOB FRONT IS LOOKING UP- A LOVELY HEADHUNTRESS HAS FOUND ME ND IS SEEKING BETTER EMPLOYMENT FOR THE SKWERL, AND I HAVE BEEN GETTING HIT ON MORE. I MAY BE CHANGING THE HAIRCOLOUR -RED? LIGHTER BLONDE? GOTHY BLACK- WHO KNOWS. WRATHKETEERIAN INPUT IS WELCOME.
FOR SOMETIME NOW I HAVE BEEN CONTEMPLATING A MOVE BACK TO WARMER CLIMES- IF TELEFONICA IS LOOKING FOR ME, I MAY GO BACK TO SAN JUAN..THE FUTURE IS WIDE OPEN.
COME ON SPRING!
SKWERLY NEEDS A NEW LIFE!

THE DAY AFTER

2007-02-15T04:23:00.000-05:00

THIS VD WAS VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME THIS YEAR, IT DROVE ME TO GO FETAL AND CRY HYSTERICALLY FOR A GOOD PORTION OF VALENTINES DAY UNTIL I TOOK A VICO-CATION.
THE SADNESS OVERTOOK ME AS I WAS SETTLING DOWN TO SLEEP AROUND 10AM. I COULD HEAR THE SUGARY PRECIPITATON HIT THE WINDOWPANE, THE SOFT BLANKETS AND SHEETS FORMING A LOVELY COCOON TO BLOCK OUT THE WORLD AND CARRY ME TO SLEEPYLAND. AS I DRIFTED OFF MY MIND BEGAN TO RACE WITH THOUGHTS OF EVERY HURT I HAVE EXPERIENCED IN THE LAST YEAR.
IT HAS BEEN A TOUGH YEAR FOR THE HEART, REPEATED BREAKINGS, USINGS, LIES, LOSSES AND DISAPPOINTMENTS. THANKFULLY I AM STILL HERE, AND FOR THE MOST PART SANE, AND MOST CERTAINLY LESS TRUSTING. I HAVE FINALLY ADOPTED SOME GUIDELINES AND EXPECTATIONS SO I CAN AVOID THIS WAAAH-FEST IN THE FUTURE.
I WILL STILL REMAIN THE ETERNAL OPTIMIST- SEEING THE BEST IN PEOPLE DESPITE EVIDENCE TO CONTRARY...JUST NOT ALLOWING MYSELF TO RISK OR OPEN UP TOO MUCH ON A ONE-SIDED PROSPECT. YOU HAVE TO ANTE UP- PERIOD. I SHAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE TO FEEL THE PINCH. I TIRE OF DOING ALL THE LOVING, HURTING AND CRYING- MEANWHILE THE OTHER PARTY IS TO ACT IN A MANNER WITHOUT REGARD TO HOW IT MAY HURT OTHERS. PRIOR BEHAVIOUR IS A GOOD INDICATOR OF FUTURE ACTS- YOU WILL HAVE TO EARN MY TRUST BEFORE YOU GET THE KEYS TO MY HEART, HOUSE OR CAR. MY DOG CAN SENSE ASSHOLE FROM 50 YARDS.
YOU DON'T LIKE THAT? TO THE SELFISH BASTARDS OUT THERE:WELL, GO CAN FUCK YOURSELF, YOUR EX, YOUR DOG- BUT DEFINITELY NOT ME.
TO THE LUCKY GUY I CHOOSE TO ACCOMPANY ON THIS PATH OF LIFE: HE WILL BE REWARDED WITH ALL THAT I HAVE TO OFFER. (ACCORDING TO SOME- THAT'S QUITE A BIT: BRAINS, EASY ON THE EYE, FUNNY AS HELL, UNDERSTANDS/LIKES MANY SPORTS, BEER & AIN'T AFRAID TO GET DIRTAAY)

HAPPY IDES OF FEBRUARY
SKWERL

GENTLEMEN, START YOUR ENGINES!

2007-02-13T04:05:00.000-05:00

SPEEDY GREETINGS AND VALENTINE WISHES TO THE WRATHKETEERIAN NATION.
NASCAR 2007 SEASON IS DUE TO OFFICIALLY START THIS SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY @ THE DAYTONA 500. (FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW I AM A CLOSET NASCAR WATCHER & DALE JARRETT FAN) THIS SEASON WILL BRING LOTS OF SURPRISES AND SHAKE-UPS.

THIS YEAR DALE JARRETT WILL RACE FOR THE UPSTART MICHAEL WALTRIP RACING...IN OF ALL THINGS- A TOYOTA! HE HAS CHANGED HIS NUMBER TO 44, BUT WILL REMAIN AS THE UPS CAR. JARRETT DECIDED TO MOVE TO MWR FROM YATES FOR HIS LAST 2 YEARS BEFORE RETIREMENT BECAUSE "he felt like his progress had stagnated -- he needed a little jazzing up to his repertoire." (nascar.com 1/13/07.) HE SIMPLY DIDN'T FEEL LIKE RUNNING OUT THE CLOCK SILENTLY UNTIL HIS RETIREMENT....HE WANTED TO REBEL & RAISE HELL. SURELY THE BOLD MOVE TO TOYOTA WILL DO JUST THAT.

MUCH WAILING AND WHINING IN RACE WORLD COMMENCED WHEN DARRYLL WALTRIP ENTERED TOYOTA IN THE NASCAR TRUCK SERIES- THIS YEAR'S TOYOTA CAMRY IN THE NEXTEL CUP WILL NO DOUBT BRING ABOUT RIOT GEAR. MANY DYED IN THE WOOL NASCAR FANS FEEL IT BLASPHEMY TO ENTER A "FOREIGNER" IN THE MOST AMERICAN OF PASTTIMES, ALL THE WHILE THEY HAVE NO CLUE THAT THE SAME RACING FORDS & CHEVYS ARE ENTIELY BUILT IN MEXICO & CANADA RESPECTIVELY. THE DODGE'S ARE BUILT BY DAIMLER CHRYSLER IN ONTARIO. THE ONLY AMERICAN BUILT CAR IN THE NEXTEL CUP SERIES *IS* THE TOYOTA!

SO HERE IS MY SALUTE TO THE HANDSOME AND HELLRAISING DALE JARRETT, FOR GIVING TWO FINGERS TO THE MAN. SHAKE AND BAKE BROTHER!

KACHOWWWW

PS: DEAR GOD PLEASE SMITE DOWN THE EVIL & DOUCHEBAGGY TONY STEWART#20 CAR, AND WORLD PEACE...AMEN

NOT AGAIN?

2007-02-09T03:27:00.001-05:00

UGH, NOT AGAIN.
NOT ANOTHER ONE.
DAMMIT!
NOT YOU TOO?
NO FUCKING WAY!
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
YOU *ARE* KIDDING, RIGHT?
WTF?
OMFG!
NO WAY!
WAY!
NUH-UH!
FUCK!!!

THE WRATHKETEERIAN NATION ASKS YOU TO GET A FUCKING THESAURUS ALREADY- SHEESH

SAY IT OR BURST

2007-02-07T03:02:00.000-05:00

i am
a creative outburst- by me

i am the sun
the moon
all you dream of
all you seek
i am

i am the light
and dark
i am the bitter virgin
i am the saintly whore
the fear, the fury, the truth and lies
i am

i am the one who waits
and the one who rushes in
the fool
and the master
the brave and meek
i am

i am the one by your side
and the hole in your heart
the one you dismiss
the one you long for
i am the one you love
i am the one you hate
i am

MMMM, COMMERCIALLY

2007-02-05T04:42:00.000-05:00

Current mood: HEEHEE- BUD LIGHT FTW

ONCE AGAIN I HAVE SLEPT THRU THE SUPERBOWL, BUT THANKS TO THE MAGIC OF TEH INTERWEBS THE COMMERCIALS CAN BE WATCHED ON YOUTUBE AT ONE'S LEISURE WITHOUT ALL THAT PESKY SPORT GETTING IN THE WAY.
(JUST KIDDING, I REALLY WANTED TO SEE THE GAME, BUT I WAS WRAPPED UP IN OTHER THINGS SO PARTY PLANNING WAS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.)
THIS WEEKEND I HAD A RATHER ODD REACTION TO A RANDOM ACT OF CARING- IT FREAKED ME THE FUCK OUT. I WAS AT MY FRIENDS BAR...GETTING MY DRINK ON AND ON...AND ON. MY KIND FRIENDS TOOK MY KEYS AND MADE SURE I WAS SAFE. I WAS SO TOUCHED BY THAT. MOST PEOPLE IN MY PERVIEW WOULD HAVE LET ME WRAP MY LITTLE PONY AROUND THE NEAREST STATIONARY OBJECT OR WORSE. I WAS PROVIDED A FLAT SURFACE TO PASS OUT ON AND A LARGE GLASS OF WATER TO HELP PREVENT THE HANGOVER THAT WAS SOON TO FOLLOW.
SO HERE'S TO GOOD FRIENDS WHO, INSPITE OF THE WORLD- THINK I AM SOOOO AWESOME AS TO NOT LET ANYTHING BAD HAPPEN TO ME AND MY BESTEST BUDDY- THE CAR.
CHEERS
SKWERLITA

ASTROLOGY FOR THE REST OF US

2007-01-17T04:26:00.000-05:00

FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW- IN ADDITION TO CULT LEADER, AND TAROT CARD COLLECTOR, I AM ALSO AN AMATUER ASTROLOGER.. I AM KEEN ON THE MOVEMENTS OF THE COSMOS. IT BRINGS A MEASURE OF COMFORT & UNDERSTANDING OF THE WORLD AS A WHOLE. I ALSO MAINTAIN A FEW DIFFERENT DAILY HOROSCOPE SUBSCRIPTIONS- SINCE AS THE HEAVENS LOOK DIFFERENT THOUGH THE EYES OF OTHERS, SO DO THE INTERPRETATIONS VARY BY ASTROLOGER. THE READINGS I DO ARE ALONG THE LINES OF PSYCHOLOGICAL, BEHAVIOURAL, INTERNAL MOTIVATION AS A MEANS TO EXCEL BECAUSE OF LIFE'S UPS AND DOWNS. PREDICTIONS AREN'T MY CUP OF TEA- WHAT FUN IS KNOWING EVERYTHING COMING AROUND THE BEND? (I SECRETLY ENJOY READING THEM.) WHICH BRINGS ME TO MONDAY'S ASTROSLAM, BY ASTROLOGY.COM.

Dear Shannon,
Here is your AstroSlamfor Monday, January 15:
Boycott all forms of technological communication today. There will nothing but bad news in your email inbox, and your phone is nothing more than a conduit to disaster.

L-O-FUCKING-L
SKWERL OF THE STARZ

CORRESPONDANCE FROM SKWERL'S TREE

2007-01-15T04:40:00.000-05:00

14 JAN. 2007
RE: YOU BEING AN ASSHOLE

DEAR LOUDMOUTHED ASSHOLE NEIGHBOUR;
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
I DON'T NEED TO HEAR YOU SCREAMING AT YOUR WIFE & KIDS EVERY FUCKING DAY. I WORK NIGHTS YOU SNAGGLE TOOTHED DRUNKEN FUCKWIT. MY BEDROOM & LIVING ROOM WINDOWS ARE 10 FEET FROM YOUR HOMEY HELLSTEAD...AND I HEAR IT ALL.
FAILURE TO ADOPT SOME SEMBLANCE OF CIVILITY CAN & WILL INCUR MY SQUIRRELLY WRATH. SHOULD *MY* DISCOMFORT NOT PROVE ADEQUATE IMPETUS FOR CHANGE, LET ME APPEAL TO *YOURS*. THAT BOY OF YOURS WILL BE HITTING PUBERTY SOON ENOUGH...AND JUDGING BY HIS CURRENT RATE OF GROWTH HE'S GOING TO BE BIG ENOUGH TO BE ON THE DEFENSIVE LINE, WITH THE IMPULSE CONTROL OF, WELL A TEENAGE BOY. HE IS GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS FOR EVERYTIME YOU CALLED HIM A PUSSY, ASSHOLE OR LOSER. MY WISH IS THAT THE BOY BREAKS YOUR JAW. MAYBE 2 MONTHS OF JAW WIRED SILENCE & LIQUID DIET WILL CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE.
THE GIRL ON THE OTHER HAND, BREAKS MY HEART. YOU ARE HER MODEL OF HOW A MAN IS SUPPOSED TO TREAT A WOMAN. YOU HAVE SHOWN HER THAT AN IDEAL MATE IS A VERBALLY ABUSIVE, LAZY ALCOHOLIC UNEMPLOYED DOUCHEBAG THAT REQUIRES WOMEN TO MAKE HIS WAY FOR HIM. IF SHE'S LUCKY- SHE WILL DRAW THE CONNECTION THAT WHAT SHE WITNESSED WAS AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT NOT TO DO. SADLY HISTORY ISN'T AS OPTIMISTIC AS I.
I PRAY THAT BOTH OF YOUR OFFSPRING HAVE THE INSTINCT TO REALIZE THIS ISN'T THEIR LEGACY, THERE IS KINDNESS & SUCCESS WAITING FOR THEM ONCE THEY STEP FROM THE "TRADITIONAL FAMILY ENVIRONMENT" YOU HAVE CREATED. THAT IS STILL A FEW YEARS AWAY.
SO IN THE MEANTIME- SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I START PLAYING HATEBREED & CHILDREN OF BODUM AT FULL BLAST AGAIN.

REGARDS,
SKWERL

P.S.: STOP HOGGING ALL THE PARKING, WANKER.

SKWERL AVATAR MAKEOVER

2007-01-14T05:45:00.000-05:00

I WAS A BIT BORED STARING AT THE SAME AVATAR DAY AFTER DAY SO I CHANGED IT UP A BIT. STILL A CARTOON, BUT LOOKS MORE LIKE SKWERL OFFLINE. SEE...

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

MY NAME IS RAMIREZ, OF THE CLAN RAMIREZ

2007-01-13T08:37:00.000-05:00

SO ON MY NIGHT OFF...WHICH FOR REASONS I'D RATHER NOT GET IN TO- THURSDAY NIGHT FOUND ME IN FRONT OF MY LARGE GLORIOUS TV, MY DARLING MOTHER BOUGHT ME FOR CHRISTMAS BECAUSE I'M THE FAVOURITE NOW.

I WAS WATCHING THE MOVIE HIGHLANDER. IT'S A PRETTY GOOD MOVIE (EXCEPT THAT ANNOYING SCREAMING HALF WIT CHICK) BECAUSE AMONG SOME OF ITS ATTRIBUTES QUEEN DID THE SOUNDTRACK & SEAN CONNERY IS IN IT. HE IS THE MAN, A MAN'S' MAN- A MAN AMONG MEN.

FOR THOSE OF YOU NOT PAYING ATTENTION: IF YOU LOOK UP THE WORD AWESOME AND YOU WILL FIND SEAN CONNERY GIVING A ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO CHUCK NORRIS, SHOOTING VIN DIESEL WITH HIS LASER BEAM EYES WHILE BITCH SLAPPING MR T LIKE THE WHORE HE IS.

ANYWAY- SEAN CONNERY'S CHARACTER IS NAMED RAMIREZ...NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT NAME. IT IS A FINE SPANISH NAME MEANING RAMIREZ. (J/K) WHATEVER. NOW HAVING SEEN QUITE A FEW OF HIS PERFORMANCES, I HAVE NOTICED HE HAS QUITE A BIT OF RANGE, BUT NO ABILITY TO NOT SOUND SCOTTISH. WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY BONE OF CONTENTION: IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD HAS THERE EVER BEEN A SCOTSMAN CALLED RAMIREZ? I'M NOT SCOTISHOLOGIST BUT, I FIND THAT HIGHLY UNLIKELY. "AHGH LASSIE, ME NAME IS RAMIREZ, OF THE CLAN RAMIREZ- LET ME TAKE YE AWAY, AND WE'LL HAVE HAGGIS."

I THINK NOT
SKWERL

SCARY NOISES OF THE WILD

2007-01-09T04:56:00.000-05:00

Current mood: UM, IT'S DANGEROUS OUT THERE- BETTER TAKE THIS

I JUST GOT BACK FROM MY 4AM CIGARETTE. I CUT IT SHORT DUE TO SCARY WILDERNESS NOISES NEARBY. UNSURE OF WHAT IT WAS, I DECIDED NOT TO LEAVE MY FATE TO THE WORLD'S MOST INEFFECTUAL SECURITY GUARD.

IT WENT LIKE THIS: RAAAAAAAAAAHWR RAAAAAAAAAAHWR RAAAAAAAAAAHWR.

WHAT THE HELL MAKES THAT KIND OF NOISE? CHUPA CABRA? JERSEY DEVIL? (I DOUBT THE JERSEY DEVIL THOUGH, IT DIDN'T SAY YO' HEY YOU.) ONE OF MY EXES? DEMON RABBIT?

WHO KNOWS.
SEKRIT SKWERL

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

2007-01-03T06:04:00.000-05:00

Current mood: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

BLAH BLAH BLAH- MEN. BLAH BLAH BLAH- BASTARDS. BLAH BLAH BLAH- DIE DIE DIE. BLAH BLAH BLAH WRATH WRATH WRATH. BLAH BLAH BLAH- RWANDA. BLAH BLAH BLAH...

OH JUST WATCH THE FUCKING FILM
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-be-the-perfect-girlfriend
I'M TIRED
NOW PISS OFF

HAS SKWERL BECOME BRIDGET JONES?

2007-01-01T09:35:00.000-05:00

Current mood: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE-VALENTINE'S DAY IS NIGH

HAPPIEST & JOYOUS OF NEW YEARS TO ALL!
THE SAVING GRACE OF JANUARY IS NEW YEARS DAY. WE MAKE RESOLUTIONS, AVOWING BRIGHT AND BRILLIANT CHANGE- TRANSFORMATIONS APLENTY!
(REALITY CHECK: STATISTICALLY, MOST WILL PUSS OUT BY THE 18TH, SO DON'T SIGN UP FOR THE YEAR MEMBERSHIP- OK?)
REALITY CHECK ASIDE, THE HANGING OF A NEW CALENDAR FILLS ME WITH PROMISE. I HAVE A WHOLE YEAR OF SUCCESSES (AND BULLSHIT) TO MAKE A WAKE THRU. ALL NEW UNTAPPED SPRINGS OF WRATHINESS AND EQUAL MEASURES OF BLINDING INSIGHT!
WHAT A WAY TO START! WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY POINT...I SPENT NEW YEAR'S EVE AT WORK, AND WATCHED ONE OF MY FAVOURITE MOVIES 'BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY' & 'BRIDGET JONES: THE EDGE OF REASON' AND THEN IT OCCURRED TO ME...I AM BRIDGET JONES!
LET'S SEE: I'M SINGLE, EDUCATED, WITTY, AND AFRAID TO DIE FAT & ALONE ONLY TO BE DISCOVERED 3 WEEKS LATER HALF EATEN BY WILD DOGS.
I ALSO WADE THRU A SEA OF DANIEL CLEEVER'S, WITH THEIR SILVER TONGUED DOUCHEBAGGERY & HEARTBREAK- ALL IN SEARCH OF MY MR. DARCY.
I HAVE MADE PROGRESS IN MY PERSONAL LIFE BY CLEARING MY HEAD OF AS MUCH BULLSHIT AS I CAN IN ORDER TO EVADE & RECOVER FROM THE DANIEL CLEEVER'S THAT HAVE CROSSED MY PATH.
WELL, IN THE MEANTIME- I'LL KEEP SWIMMING. HAPPY NEW YEAR'S WRATHKETEERS.
SKWERL LANG SYNE

SHITTY FORTUNE COOKIES

2006-12-31T07:07:00.000-05:00

Current mood: MAN WITH FOOT IN MOUTH HAS BREATH OF CORN CHIPS

THE END IS NIGH WRATHKETEERS! I AM BECOME SKWERL...DESTROYER OF WORLDS!

ONE OF MY FAVOURITE TREATS IS THE MODEST FORTUNE COOKIE. TRULY A PERFECT FOOD FOR IT FEEDS THE BODY & THE SOUL. IT'S NOT TOO SWEET, CRUNCHY AND HAS A TINY SLIP OF WISDOM IN EVERY COOKIE.
I HAVE BEGUN IN RECENT MONTHS TO LIMIT MY INTAKE OF CHINESE FOOD IN FAVOUR FOR HEALTHIER FARE, BUT I WILL SWING BY AND GET A BAG ON FORTUNE COOKIES & CRUNCHY NOODLES TO NIBBLE ON.
LATELY THE FORTUNES MADE BY GOLDEN BOWL FOODS SUCK BALLS.
THESE ARE THE FORTUNES I HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO RECIEVE TODAY:
'ITS TOUGH TO BE FACINATING'
'ITS BETTER TO DEAL WITH PROBLEMS BEFORE THEY ARISE'
'REMEMBER THE BIRTHDAY, BUT NEVER THE AGE'
THIS ONE BY FAR IS THE WORST...'IF WE ARE ALL WORMS, TRY TO BE A GLOW WORM'

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? WHO WROTE THIS SHIT...AN MBA? AN HR ADMINISTRATOR? WTF!
I SUGGEST ALL THE FINE CHINESE DINING ESTABLISHMENTS TO RISE UP AGAINST MEDIOCRE FORTUNES & DEMAND BETTER WORDS OF WISDOM OR TAKE THEIR BUSINESS ELSWHERE.
UNGOWA!
SKWERL POWER

SKWERLY WORDS OF WISDOM

2006-12-31T07:06:00.001-05:00

Current mood: HAHAHAHAHA- I KILL ME.
THOSE WHO DO NOT REMEMBER HISTORY, ARE CONDEMNED TO REPEAT IT.
DESPITE MINORING IN HISTORY, MY BEHAVIOUR IS REMINISCENT OF PERT PLUS: LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT.
I GET IN A LATHER, BATHE IN TEARS, DO IT AGAIN.
WELL, NO ONE CAN SAY I'M NOT THE ETERNAL OPTIMIST.
FUCKIN' A RIGHT
BAD ASS SKWERL

Tuesday, December 26, 2006 GOODBYE MR. BROWN

2006-12-28T07:25:00.000-05:00

A VERY SAD DAY MUSIC LOVERS...
JAMES BROWN- THE GODFATHER OF SOUL & HARDEST WORKING MAN IN SHOW BUSINESS DIED EARLY CHRISTMAS DAY, HE WAS AGE 73.

MR. BROWN WAS AN INNOVATOR & ONE HELL OF A SHOWMAN STILL SPINNING LIKE A TOP, BELTING OUT THE FUNK & DOING THOSE CROTH-BOGGLING SPLITS EVEN TO THIS DAY.

I PICTURE HIS EARTHLY DEPARTURE LOOKED LIKE THE END OF ONE OF HIS SHOWS, DOWN ON ONE KNEE- EXHAUSTED. A ROADIE COMES OUT WITH HIS SEQUINED CAPE THAT MATCHES HIS FORM FITTING SUIT TAILORED BY THE SAME MAN WHO DID ELVIS'...THEN JUST WHEN YOU THINK HE WILL TAKE HIS BOW *KACHOW* HE TOSSES THE CAPE & KEEPS GOING.

DEAREST MR. BROWN, THERE WILL BE NO OTHER- AND YOU WILL BE MISSED. SKWERL

YEAR END WRAP-UP, 2K6

2006-12-28T07:22:00.000-05:00

Current mood: SKWERLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS WELL, IT'S BEEN ONE HELL OF A YEAR WRATHKETEERS! THE FOAMYNATION & CULT ARE GOING SWIMMINGLY, I HAVE MANAGED TO MAINTAIN EMPLOYMENT AND HAVE ADOPTED A NEW BETTER OUTLOOK ON ME, WHILE HAVING HIGHER EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS.
DOORMAT-NO-MORE!
THERE IS BEAUTY AND LOVE OUT THERE FOR ME, AS LONG AS THERE IS LIFE, THERE'S HOPE. I LIKE ME, AND MOST FOLKS DO TOO. I CARE DEEPLY FOR MANY THINGS AND A FEW PEOPLE, AND I THINK THEY RECIPROCATE.
SO I'M NOT SWIMMING IN MONEY & MY DREAM JOB...YET- BUT I WILL. SUCCESS ISN'T ALWAYS MEASURED BY YOUR PAYCHECK OR POSSESIONS...IT'S ALSO MEASURED IN THE JOY YOU REAP FROM THE THE VERY ACT OF LIVING.

IN THAT I AM A GREAT SUCCESS.
CHEERS WRATHKETEERS
FOR SKWERL-LANG-SINE

THE SIMPLE PLEASURES OF ADULT LIFE

2006-12-26T03:35:00.000-05:00

Current mood: IT'S NOT READY TILL ITS REDDI!

APRES-HOLIDAY GREETINGS WRATHKERINOS!

I HOPE YOU ALL HAD A LOVELY CHRISTMAS & GOT LOTS OF PRESENTS. I MADE OUT LIKE A BANDIT THIS YEAR: 32" LCD HDTV, ASSORTED DIGITAL MEDIA (CD'S, DVD'S)...BOB DYLAN'S NEWEST ALBUM! YAY 4 SKWERL! GOT TO DO SOME STUFF AND MADE A LOVELY TURKEY & A HAM.

ALL IN ALL A DAMN FINE CHRISTMAS, WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE LITTLE PLEASURES IN LIFE THAT COME WITH ADULTHOOD & I AM THANKFUL FOR THEM.
LIKE THESE FOR INSTANCE:
PUTTING YOUR FEET ON THE COFFEE TABLE
DRINK MILK RIGHT FROM THE CARTON IF YOU'RE INTO THAT
DRINK 1/2 A BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS, DO YOUR NAILS AND WATCH A CHRISTMAS STORY IN YOUR SEXY VICKIES UNDERPANTS.
A GOOD SHAG OR TWO
THE JOY OF OWNING THE COOL PET- THE ONE WHO GETS TO HANG OUT.
EATING REDDI-WHIP FROM THE CAN WHILE LEAVING THE FRIDGE DOOR OPEN.
YOU CAN LEAVE THE HOUSE WITH WET HAIR
RUNNING WITH SCISSORS
CROSSING ON THE GREEN *AND* IN-BETWEEN
WATCH PORN, DRINK & SMOKE LEGALLY.
CHILI DOG W/MUSTARD, RAW ONIONS & CHEESE IS PART OF A BALANCED BREAKFAST.
YOU DON'T NEED SANTA TO BRING YOU TOYS WHEN YOU HAVE VISA.
YOU MEET/EXCEED THE HEIGHT REQUIREMENT ON ROLLERCOASTERS.
NAPKINS, COASTERS & WIPING YOUR FEET ARE OPTIONAL.

I THINK I'M OFF TO GET SOME REDDI-WHIP
SKWERLY SKWERL

CRAPPY CHANUKAH- DAY 5

2006-12-20T01:26:00.000-05:00

Current mood: ITS THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GUILTING THE WHOLE YEAR THRU

CRAPPY HANNUKAH, DAY 5

TONIGHT YOU GET TO CHOOSE YOUR DISAPPOINTMENT WITH A WEIRD (and very expensive) MENORAH! EACH ONE NOT ONLY HOLDS CANDLES- EACH ONE HOLDS MUCH SYMBOLISM...NOT JUST REPRESENTATIONAL OF THE GREAT MIRACLE EITHER.

IF YOU'RE TERRIFIED OF CLOWNS, THIS WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAMS, IT'S CALLED CAN'T SLEEP- CLOWNS WILL EAT ME.

THIS ONE SAYS: WHY CAN'T YOU BE A DOCTOR/LAWYER/DENTIST/TEACHER LIKE YOUR COUSIN RACHAEL? I CALL IT EIGHT NIGHTS OF INADEQUACY.

THIS ONE IS POPULAR WITH MOTHERS FAR & WIDE: WHEN AM I GOING TO GET GRANDKIDS? .

WOW...THAT'S A BLUE...MOOSE...MENORAH? DON'T STARE INTO ITS EYES, IT WILL STEAL YOUR SOUL.

.

...THIS IS THE PENULTIMATE GIFT FOR THE SINGLE GAL, I CALL IT THE MEN-NIGHTMARE. IF YOU LISTEN REEEEALY CLOSE YOU CAN ALMOST HEAR THE HOLIDAYS: "SO, ARE YOU SEEING ANYONE? MY NEIGHBOR STELLA'S SISTER'S HUSBANDS NEPHEW'S DENTIST IS SINGLE, MAYBE I COULD INTRODUCE? UUGH, YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING! YOU'RE GONNA DIE AN OLD MAID...AND I'M NEVAH GONNA HAVE GRANDCHILDREN. YOU'RE KILLING ME, YOU KNOW. I HAVE TO SIT DOWN, I'M GETTING THE ANGINA. SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME? WHERE DID I GO WRONG..."

I'M GOING TO, UM- GO DO...STUFF...SOMEWHERE...ELSE
SKWERL

CRAPPY CHANUKAH- DAY 4

2006-12-19T03:05:00.000-05:00

Current mood: HOLY MOSES- THERE'S 4 MORE TO GO.

CRAPPY CHANUKAH DAY 4 WRATHKETEERS!

OH MY GOYIM- HERE COMES EVERY OLD LADIES FAVOURITE...
IT'S A WOOL SWEATER....AWWW AND ITS GOT A LITTLE MENORAH ON IT.
COME HERE LET ME SEE, TURN AROUND...AWWW.

(WARNING: DEEP TISSUES DAMAGE FROM AGRESSIVE CHEEK PINCHING AND ITCHINESS MAY OCCUR WHEN WORN.)

TOO PRECIOUS
LA ESQUILA

CRAPPY CHANUKAH! DAY 3

2006-12-18T00:54:00.000-05:00

Current mood: OY! TO THE WORLD

CRAPPY CHANUKAH DAY 3 WRATHKETEERS!

TONIGHT'S GIFT (drumroll.........)

OMG...UNDERPANTS?

OH YES...DIG THOSE CHANUKAH MAN-PANTIES

WELL...I FEEL AWKWARD
L'CHAIM
L'SKWERL

YOU CAN GET THIS & OTHER WILD WACKY & RACY JUDAICA GIFTS AT http://www.jewishfashionconspiracy.com/

CRAPPY CHANUKAH! DAY 2

2006-12-17T01:06:00.000-05:00

Current mood: I'M UNDERWHELEMED
CRAPPY CHANUKAH, DAY 2 WRATHKETEERS!

YAY A PENCIL!

JUST WHAT I NEEDED...FOR...WRITING STUFF.
GEE THANKS
O ESQUILO

VIRTUAL HANUKKAH, DAY 1

2006-12-16T04:49:00.000-05:00

Current mood: no really...I love them
SEASONS GREETINGS WRATHKETEERS!
HERE AT SKWERL CENTRAL WE CELEBRATE HANNUKAH, CHRISTMAS & KWANZAA...AND SINCE THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I'M BUYING GIFTS FOR ALL OF YOU MAY I PRESENT:

VIRTUAL HANNUKAH GIFT, DAY 1:
TUBE SOCKS!
HOPE THEY FIT OK!

SKWERLITA

CHRISTMAS & THE SINGLE LIFE

2006-12-13T05:00:00.000-05:00

Current mood: WHY DOES MY INNER VOICE SOUND LIKE LITTLE RICHARD AT A TENT REVIVAL?

THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS THIS CHRISTMAS FROM SUCKING AS BAD AS PREVIOUS YEARS IS THAT I DON'T HAVE TO OBSESS OVER "DID HE GET ME SOMETHING? "WILL HE LIKE THIS?" "WILL I SEE HIM?" "DOES HE REALLY CARE?"
(CUE THE TENT REVIVAL MUSIC...)

'CAUSE I AIN'T WITH THAT OR ANY OTHER SELFISH MOTHERFUCKER THIS YEAR- ALLA-FUCKING-LOOOYA
(CAN I HAVE AN AMEN!)

I DONE PUT UP THE CHRISTMAS TREES: ONE IN MY LIVING ROOM, ONE IN MY BEDROOM.
(THAT'S RIGHT)

LIGHTS ON THE HOUSE
(AMEN SISTER SKWERL)

PIMP LIGHTS ON MY WORKSPACE
(TESTIFY, AMEN)

I HAVE GOTTEN THE SWIRLY OF DESPAIR!
(OH YES)

I HAVE WRESTLED WITH THE LAWN GNOMES OF LONELIENESS
(DAMN RIGHT)

I HAVE OVERCOME!
(PREACH IT SISTER SKWERL)

I AIN'T STICKIN' MY HEAD IN THE TOILET OF DEPAIR WAITIN FOR THE SWIRLY, OH YESS-AH
I BEAT DOWN THE DAMN LONELY GNOMES! I AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT NO MORE!
(WHOOOHOO)

I CAN BE BAD ALLLLL BY MY DAMN SELF, I DON'T NEED YOU LYING, AMIBIVALENT, COULDN'T FIND YOUR ASS WITH BOTH HANDS- LET ALONE FIND A DAMN FINE WOMAN LIKE ME, CLUELESS DOUCHEBAGS- YA HEAR! DON'T NEED YA!

THE RIGHT ONE IS-A-ON HIS WAAAY-YA
AND WE GONNA HAVE A BLAST-AAH
THERE WILL BE RATED NC-17 FUN-AAH
AND ADAM SANDLER MOVIES-AH
AND YOU WILL BE THE KILLER OF SPIDERSSS, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!

GIVE A SKWERL AN AMEN
AAAAAYYYMENNNNNN-UUUH

YAY SNOW!

2006-12-08T04:08:00.000-05:00

Current mood: IM IN UR KRIZMAS, STEELIN UR HO HO HOZ

THE FIRST SNOW HAS FALLEN!

A QUICKY SNOW SQUALL PASSED OVER THE DEATHSTAR, GETTING IT ALL CHRISTMASSY.

I HAVE RESPONDED IN KIND BY PIMPING MY CUBE...WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF JR. WRATHKETEER CLAUDIA. THE CHARLIE BROWN LITES AWAIT MANAGEMENT APPROVAL PRIOR TO THE CUBE LIGHTING FESTIVITIES.

FELIZ NAVIDAD WRATHKETEERS! THE SKWERLY ONE

IS IT A TITSLING OR IS IT A BRASSIERE?

2006-12-01T06:10:00.000-05:00

Current mood: SERIOUSLY, I'M GONNA RIP THIS FUCKER OFF!

GLORIOUS DECEMBER GREETINGS WRATHKETEERS! WELCOME TO THE LAST MONTH OF 2006.
TODAY MY RANT IS OF PARTICULAR INTEREST TO THE LADIES. AS MOST OF YOU KNOW WOMEN HAVE BREASTS. SOME ARE LARGE, SOME SMALL- SOME NONE AT ALL. WE CALL THE LATTER GROUP NICOLE RITCHIE. I FALL INTO THE FIRST CATEGORY- AND THEY ARE OEM (ORIGINAL EQUIPMENT MAMMARIES.)

FOR THE MOST PART WE WOMEN LIKE OUR BOOBS, AND IF NOT WE CAN TAKE THEM TO THE BOOB MECHANIC FOR AFTERMARKET PARTS, ADJUSTMENTS OR REMOVABLE ENHANCEMENTS.
REMARKABLE THINGS THOSE BREASTISSIS ARE: THEY HOLD UP OUR SHIRTS, CAN CAMOFLAGE OTHER LESS PLEASING ATTRIBUTES LIKE STUPIDITY, LURE MEN TO THEIR DOOM/MARRIAGE & THEY MAKE FOOD FOR BABIES. A WONDER OF INTELLIGENT DESIGN, FORM & FUNCTION.

THEY DO HAVE ONE DESIGN FLAW. WHAT GRINDS MY GEARS IS THAT WE CAN PUT A MAN ON THE MOON, GROW EARS ON MICE AND MAKE A CELEBRITY OUT OF PARIS HILTON...BUT NOT A COMFORTABLE, PRACTICAL AND ATTRACTIVE CONTRIVANCE TO HOLD THEM UP.
PLACES LIKE VICTORIA'S SECRET & CACIQUE 'SAY' THEY HAVE THE ANSWER TO OUR MAMMARIAN WOES... IF YOU'LL GIVE THEM $40-50. SO WE DO, ONLY TO BE MET WITH DISAPPOINTMENT & DISCOMFORT.

AS I WRITE THIS BLOGIFIED RANT, I HAVE HAD TO STOP 6 TIMES TO READJUST THE TWINS' SATIN TRIMMED SPANDEX CAGES. GRANTED, I COULD GO WITHOUT...AND HAVE TO USE A WHEELBARROW TO LUG MY BOOBS AROUND IN 10 YEARS. I COULD GET A REDUCTION...BUT WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT? I WOULD HAVE TO MAKE *INTELLIGENT* CONVERSATION & CARRY MY OWN GROCERIES- FUCK THAT SHIT!

SO I'M PUTTING OUT A CHALLENGE TO ALL THE UNDERWEAR DESIGNERS OUT THERE: MAKE THE WORLD A PERKY PLACE BY REINVENTING THE BRASSIERE TO BE COMFORTABLE AS IT IS PRETTY. WE PUT OUR BOOBS IN YOUR HANDS, DON'T DISAPPOINT US!

LA SKWERLITA- OLE!

BOYS BEHAVING BADLY

2006-11-23T02:15:00.000-05:00

Current mood: MMMMM...PIE

GOBBLE GOBBLE WRATHKETEERS! i BRING GREETINGS OF TURKEY & PIE TO ALL!!

THIS WEEKS NEWS HAS BEEN PUNCTUATED WITH MEN BEHAVING BADLY...BY MEN I MEAN O.J. SIMPSON & MICHAEL RICHARDS.

THE STINKY FIST OF JOURNALISM GAVE US A DOUBLE DONKEY PUNCH OF BAD TASTE AND RACISM- MORTON DOWNEY JR. WOULD BE PROUD.

LETS START WITH THE LESSER OF 2 EVILS- MICHAEL RICHARDS WENT COMPLETELY BATSHIT ON STAGE WHEN A YOUNG BLACK MAN HECKLED HIM. AS A COMEDIAN AND AN ACTOR I IMAGINE HE HAS SOME EXPERIENCE WITH ROUGH CROWDS, IMPROVISATION & INSULTS. INSTEAD OF CALLING THE YOUNG MAN OUT ON HIS NAME & EVERYTHING BUT A CHILD OF GOD...HE CHOSE THE N WORD. NOT ONCE, BUT REPEATEDLY.

WHAT AN ASSHOLE. BUT IT GETS WORSE...THE VENERABLE GLORIA ALLRED- NOT ONE TO PASS UP A PHOTO-OP RAN TO THE YOUNG MANS RESCUE AND IS NOW SUING RICHARDS BECAUSE HE MADE HER CLIENT FEAR FOR HIS SAFETY. I FIND THAT HARD TO SWALLOW...SINCE HER CLIENT IS A RATHER STRAPPING YOUNG MAN WHO COULD SNAP THE ICHABOD CREANE PHYSIQUE THAT RICHARDS SPORTS LIKE A CANDY CANE. I HOPE HER CLIENT REALIZES HE JUST MADE HIM LOOK AS WUSSY, AS RICHARDS LOOKS RACIST. LET ME KNOW HOW THAT WORKS FOR YOU PAL.

I MISS THE GOOD OLD DAYS, WHERE THE WRONG-DOER WOULD GO AND APOLOGIZE TO THE WRONGED...WHO WOULD POP HIM IN THE NOSE OR GUT- THEN THEY GO OUT FOR A BEER, AS IF THEY WERE OLD COLLEGE BUDS. ALL IS FORGIVEN, AND A NEW FRIENDSHIP IS MADE. I CALL THAT "MAN JUSTICE."

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE GREATER EVIL- AQUITTED WIFE BEATING MURDERER O.J. SIMPSON...AND HIS NEW BOOK "IF I DID IT- THIS IS HOW I WOULD GO ABOUT IT"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? NO REALLY- HAVE YOU LOST YOUR PSYCO KILLER MIND? JOHNNY COCHRANE IS TURNING OVER IN HIS GRAVE!

DUDE- YOU WERE AQUITTED, AND JEOPARDY IS ATTACHED- JUST ADMIT IT, OK? DON'T TRAUMATIZE YOUR CHILDREN (WHO NO DOUBT MISS THEIR MOM- THAT YOU BEHEADED) AND THE GOLDMAN FAMILY (YOU WANT TO SEE YOU BURNED ALIVE.) HAVEN'T THEY SUFFERED ENOUGH? CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY...YOU GOT AWAY WITH MURDER...DON'T GET GREEDY AND TRY TO CASH IN YOU SELFISH BASTARD.

YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE, ASSHOLE. "WAAAH, I NEEDED THE MONEY" ONLY WORKS FOR STRIPPERS IN COLLEGE & TEENAGERS BOOSTING CAR RADIOS- NOT MILLION DOLLAR BOOK DEALS AND A SHILL INTERVIEW.

AT LEAST FOX BROADCASTING SAW THE LIGHT AND CANCELLED- EVEN THEIR OWN FOX NEWS NETWORK BOYCOTTED IT, AT RISK TO THEIR OWN CAREERS. AT LEAST THEIR IS SOME DIGNITY LEFT IN JOURNALISM.

AT THIS POINT THE PORN BUSINESS IS LOOKS MORE & MORE WHOLESOME, DOESN'T IT?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL!
O ESQUILO

THE TAO OF SKWERL- PT I

2006-11-20T04:29:00.000-05:00

Current mood: ENLIGHTENED, WITH A TOUCH OF WRATH.

EVERYDAY YOU WAKE UP ON THIS SIDE OF THE DIRT IS A GOOD DAY.

MAN WHO HAS FOOT IN MOUTH, HAS BREATH THAT SMELLS OF CORNCHIPS.

RUNNING WITH SCISSORS IS OK, FALLING ON THEM...NOT SO GREAT.

YOUR BLIND DATE IS ONLY AS BAD AS THE WINDOW IN THE LAVATORY IS SMALL.

THE BIGGER THE SEX TALK, THE SMALLER THE ACTION.

THE ANSWER TO ANGER IS BUNNIES.

JOB GOT YOU DOWN? A SCHMEAR OF CRISCO ON THE DOOR HANDLE AT WORK MAKES FOR HOURS OF ENTERTAINMENT.

NEVER STARE INTO A *SOLAR* ECLIPSE, HOWEVER, THE LUNAR KIND- GO NUTS.

CRAPPY JOB? IT'S THE TINFOIL HAT FACTION THAT MAKES UP FOR THE LACK OF PAY, BENEFITS & VACATION DAYS.

IT'S ONLY AS FUNNY AS IT IS PAINFUL TO THE OTHER GUY.

DOMO ARIGATO,
SKWERL-SAN

GIRL SCOUT COOKIE DAY, FUCKERS

2006-11-13T02:43:00.000-05:00

Current mood: !!11ELEVENTYONE!!!!!!111

IT'S NOVEMBER WRATHKETEERS- DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

OMG!!!PON1ES11!!!

ITS MOTHERFUCKING GIRL SCOUT COOKIE TIME!!!
I GOT ME MY THIN MINTS, SAMOA'S (NOW KNOWN AS CARAMEL DELITES) SOME THANKS-A-LOTS. I AM DOING A HAPPY DANCE IN MY CUBE WITH A SAMOA IN MY MOUTH AS WE SPEAK.

LIKE THE MIGHTY & MAJESTIC SQUIRREL...I WILL STORE THE PRECIOUS BOOTY AT HOME, AND FREEZE THEM- SO THAT I MAY PORTION THEM OUT UNTIL THE NEXT COOKIE DAY.

OMG!!!PON1ES11!!! INDEED.
LA SCIATOLLO

GET OUT AND VOTE FUCKERS!

2006-11-07T02:19:00.000-05:00

Current mood: FUCKING A RIGHT!

IT'S ELECTION DAY WRATHKETEERS!
SO SHUT YOU'RE NOISEHOLES AND VOTE!
IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO TO VOTE FOR...VOTE OUT THE INCUMBENTS.
WE CAN'T LET POLITICIANS GET TOO COZY!

COZINESS=APATHY
APATHY=CORRUPTION
CORRUTION=NEW JERSEY

LOOK AT MY HOME STATE OF JERSEY: IT'S A FUCKING MESS
TAKE IT FROM THE SKWERL- DON'T BE LIKE NEW JERSEY- SPREAD THE PLAGUE & FUCKING VOTE!

I AM THE SKWERL AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE
(PAID FOR BY THE ALMIGHTY CHURCH OF FOAMY- WRATHKETEERIAN SYNOD.)

DAY 5 OF 9 ON THE ESTRELLA DEL MUERTO

2006-10-24T04:46:00.000-04:00

I JUST SPENT THE BETTER PART OF AN HOUR ASSERTING MYSELF. IN WENT ON AND ON ABOUT NOT BEING A DOORMAT, TAKE ME AS I AM- BLAH, BLAH BLAH.
APPARENTLY THE GODS OF T3H INT3RW3BS DISAPPROVE OF MY SELF IMPOSED FREEDOM...AND DELETED THE ENTIRE POST.
WELL MR INTERWEB/AL GORE/BILL GATES: I HAVE NOT CHANGED MY POSITION. I STILL FEEL THAT THOSE WHO TRULY CARE FOR ME, TAKE ME AS I AM. THOSE WHO DO NOT & WANT ME TO CHANGE FOR THEIR BENEFIT DO NOT CARE FOR ME, AND I WILL NOT BEND TO THEIR WILL. IF THE FRESH AIR OF MY INTELLECT BURNS THEIR LUNGS, MAYBE THEY SHOULD SEEK THE STUFFINESS THEY CRAVE ELSEWHERE...FOR THEY WILL NOT FIND IT WITH ME.
SO THERETHE SKWERL HAS SPOKEN

MORE TAO OF CRAIG'S LIST----THE SINGLES AD

2006-10-23T05:03:00.000-04:00

Current mood: CAN I HAVE AN AMEN?

YET ANOTHER CRAIG'S LIST GEM....I DO BELIEVE THIS WOMAN IS MY LONG LOST TWIN- GOOD LUCK SISTER FROM ANOTHER MISTER!

I mean, DAMN.
On a first date: I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation. In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear) I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone. I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it". I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat. I may call you the following day. I may not. On the second date: I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding). We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke. I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex. Yes, I just typed all of that. Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly... YOU MUST BE of the caucasian persuasion funny loquacious driven single (that means not LEGALLY married) under 38 over 23 not a baby-daddy drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking) sarcastic well-mannered, for appearances able to leave work at work. this implies employment educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count) NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway. I AM... Over one-night stands. I'm not in college anymore, and thank God Girls Gone Wild never visited back in my hay-day. Very comfortable in my skin. Unafraid. Equally unashamed. Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status. Able to say "no" and scream "yes". Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty TOGETHER, WE WILL bowl play trivia act like raging dickheads in public establishments giggle at midgets fornicate regularly discuss books drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will. Often laugh at others and harder at ourselves one-up eachother WE WILL NOT involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine. yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset be dishonest care what everyone else thinks do any activity with one another's family more than once a month act like something doesn't bother us, when it does throw low-blows in times of frustration Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of man, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at... I'm not fat. I'm not the healthiest individual, but I'm not a walking heart attack. If you appear to be more than 2.5 months pregnant, don't respond I have my original 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond. If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should sit this one out. I'm short. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your girth does not exceed your height. I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well. Bring your A-game, bitches.

FUCK YOU MYSPACE & YOUR PUPPET TOM TOO!

2006-10-23T05:00:00.000-04:00

Current mood: EL ESTRELLA DEL MUERTO ES MUY BUENO

MYSPACE SAYS I HAVE NO FRIENDS WHEN I LOG IN....THE FUCK I DON'T.
IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU ARE MY FRIEND OR...
1. AN ANGRY LONER,
2. UNEMPLOYED & OUT OF PORN,
3. THE PARENT OF SMALL COLICKY CHILDREN
4. A DEATHSTAR TELCO MINION, ALSO KNOW AS COWORKERS,
5. NEW TO AMERICA, AND WANT TO BE LERNINK THE AMERICAN TALKIE TALK.

FOR THE LAST GROUP IS SAY: HELLO WELCOME TO AMERICA......PLEASE STOP STEALING MY NEWSPAPER, AND GET A JOB.

NOW BACK TO SPREADING YOUR WRATH, Y'AL
LLA SKWERLITA

W.W.S.D- FOR A LIVING?

2006-10-12T02:30:00.000-04:00

THIS IS WHERE I WORK.
NOW YOU KNOW...AND KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE.
skwerl, Deathstar Minion #8660623

MEN + GUITARS = HATEMAIL

2006-10-11T05:03:00.000-04:00

Current mood: CONTRITE, YET CRANKY

OK, OK- NOW THAT EVERYONE THAT PEES STANDING UP IS PISSED AT ME...I GET IT.IT'S MY FAULT I GET HURT...I SHOULD KNOW BETTER. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

FOR THOSE WHO KNOW ME IN THE REAL WORLD, THE GENERAL CONSENSUS IS THAT I'M PRETTY NICE. EVEN TOO NICE...PRACTICALLY A DOORMAT. I DON'T HAVE IT IN ME TO BE A RAVING BITCH ON FIRE- NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE GOTTEN HURT I TREAT EVERY NEW PERSON IN MY LIFE WITH LOVE AND RESPECT.
I'D LIKE THE SAME IN RETURN. I DON'T LIKE TO BE USED AS AN EMOTIONAL TAMPON, AND I RETURN THE FAVOUR.
I DON'T CHASE BAD BOYS...I AVOID THEM LIKE THEY WERE TELEMARKETERS.
I DON'T VIEW A NEW MAN IN MY LIFE AS A D-I-Y PROJECT...AS I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE EITHER.
IF THAT WAS THE CASE I WOULD SIT ON A SHELF AT HOME DEPOT WITH A LABEL STATING "EMOTIONALLY CHALLENGED NIGHT-OWL, WITH FEARS OF INTIMACY, TOO SMART FOR HER OWN GOOD- $49.95, NOW AVAILABLE IN BLONDE!!! LIMIT ONE PER CUSTOMER"
ACCEPT ONE ANOTHER FOR ALL OF YOUR FLAWS AND OFFERINGS. WE'RE ALL DIFFERENT BY DESIGN FOR GOOD REASON. WE ALL HAVE DEEP SEATED ISSUES- MOST OF WHICH STEM FROM CHILDHOOD THEN GET MUTATED THROUGH THE VERY PROCESS OF GROWING UP.
WE'RE ALL BROKEN ROBOTS.

DER WUNDER-EICHHÖRNCHEN (SKWERL)

MAN + GUITAR = THERE'S GONNA BE TEARS

2006-10-11T05:01:00.000-04:00

Current mood: SERIOUSLY, MAN- GET A JOB

I BEAR WRATHY SALUTATIONS, WRATHKETEERS.

I HAVE HAD IT WITH MUSICIANS!!! (EXCEPT BASS & LUTE PLAYERS, YOU GUYS ARE OK IN MY BOOK.) AS FOR THE REST OF YOU- GO TO HELL.
I CAN REMEMBER THE 1ST MUSICIAN TO BREAK MY HEART...WE WERE IN MARCHING BAND- HE PLAYED TRUMPET. THEN THERE WERE SOME DRUMMERS, SINGERS, GUITARISTS- BASTARDS!!!!! I CURSE YOU AND YOUR GYRATING HIPS, YOUR SIREN CALL,YOUR PRIMAL RHYTHMS STIRRING WITHING MY VERY CORE. (WHOA, GOTTA STOP RIGHT THERE)
I STOPPED GOING TO SHOWS, GUITAR CENTRE, FREEHOLD MUSIC & SAM ASH BECAUSE OF YOU...YOU GUYS COME AFTER ME LIKE I WAS A RECORD EXECUTIVE WITH A GENEROUS CONTRACT. (HEY, YOU'RE CUTE- WANNA HANG OUT? BE MY MUSE? COULD YOU PROOFREAD MY WRITING, LOAN ME MONEY?)
GOD FORBID I SHOW INTEREST IN RETURN- THE ERRONEOUS PERCEPTION THAT I AM A DOORMAT OR ATM WILL BE THE LAST MISTAKE YOU MAKE WITH ME.
WHAT THE FUCK?
YOU WANT TO BE MY FRIEND- GREAT! WE ALL NEED FRIENDS.
DON'T WANT TO BE A FRIEND? THEN SAY SO...THEN LOSE MY NUMBER- I SHAN'T SPEAK WITH YOU EVER AGAIN.
DO YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE? TELL ME...I'LL LISTEN.
IF I FEEL THE SAME, I WILL RECIPROCATE...AND TELL YOU SO.
NO GAMES, NO BULLSHIT...YOU LUCKY DOG!
I'M PRETTY LOW MAINTENANCE, I EXPECT THE SAME. (BY THE WAY: I'M NOT ZERO MAINTENANCE, I DO EXPECT TO SPEND TIME HAVING NON-NEKKID FUN. SEX GETS OLD AFTER A WHILE, YOU SHOULD HAVE THE ABILITY TO HAVE A CONVERSATION OR AT LEAST SOME KIND OF POST-COITAL ACTIVITY- NOT JUST ME COOKING. HOW ABOUT WE WATCH THE GAME AT THE BAR?)
MY DOG HAS TO LIKE YOU. HE IS A BETTER JUDGE OF CHARACTER THAN I. IF YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE, HE WILL KNOW- THEN HE WILL PROBABLY ATTACK, AND I CANNOT BREAK HIS GRIP. GOOD LUCK!
IF YOU WANT TO BORROW MONEY OR MY CAR- FUCK YOURSELF DIAGONAL, BRAH...I AIN'T YOUR STEADY PAYCHECK WITH TITS.

DER SWERL

NEW & IMPROVED SKWERL...NOW WITH SUPER SULTRY VOICE ACTION!

2006-10-02T06:15:00.000-04:00

GRUMBLY MONDAY SALUTATIONS ALL.
I HAVE GOT A BIT OF A COLD THIS WEEKEND, THAT HAS LEFT ME WITH A SMOOTH & VELVETY VOICE THAT SOUNDS A BIT LIKE KATHLEEN TURNER.
THOSE OF YOU LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE TO REPORT A DOWNED T3 OR HIGHER CIRCUIT WILL MOST LIKELY GET GREETED WITH A SULTRY "THANK YOU FOR CALLING LOCAL DEATHSTAR REPAIR, HOW MAY I HELP YOU?"ALTHOUGH I'M A BIT HEADACHY, THIS IS MY FAVOURITE KIND OF MALAISE...SINCE EVERY WORD THAT PASSES MY LIPS REEKS OF DOUBLE-ENTENDRE AND RAW SENSUALITY...NOT AT ALL THE USUAL PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE MIDWESTERN HOUSEWIFE TELEPHONE PERSONAE THAT I NORMALLY WRAP MYSELF IN AT WORK.

(PLEASE NOTE: OUR LADY OF SKWERL IS NOT FROM THE MIDWEST, IS NOT MARRIED, HAS NO KIDS AND IS FOR THE MOST PART CANTANKEROUS- NOT PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE- AND DOES NOT ENDORSE ANY TYPE OF BEHAVIOUR OTHER THAN RAW, UNCHECKED HOSTILITY.)

IN OTHER NEWS: THIS WEEKEND WAS A COMPLETE AND TOTAL MINDFUCK...IF ANYONE BITCHES I WORK TOO MANY WEEKENDS EVER AGAIN, I WILL CUT A SWITCH AND BEAT YOU LIKE AN UNRULY SERF! THERE WAS NO MISCHIEF & MAYHEM FOR SKWERL, ONLY A FEW SHOTS WITH AN OLD & DEAR FRIEND. THE LARGE SCARY MAN WITH THE UNFORTUNATE TEETH WAS THERE TOO, AS WAS SKINNY YAPPITY LADY, CREEPY STARING MAN AND THE TOO-DAMN-MUCH-COLOGNE FACTION WAS ALSO IN ATTENDANCE. TRULY, IT WAS A MICROCOSM OF WHAT WILL MOST LIKELY SURVIVE A NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST. (ARTIST HANS & HIS OUTRAGEOUS ACCENT WAS THERE AS WELL.)
I WAS HOME BY 2330...YOU GOT TO PACE YOURSELF, YOU KNOW.

DER VUNDER-SVERL

THE TAO OF HOMER

2006-10-02T06:08:00.000-04:00

(courtesy of 2spare.com)
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
Homer no function beer well without.
I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.
I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
[Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.'
All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.
That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing
I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?

THE END IS NIGH!!!!!!!!

2006-10-02T06:07:00.000-04:00

NO MOTHERFUCKING COFFEE FOR SKWERL
WAWA IS CLOSED
A SKWERL HAS NO COFFEE
NO COFFEE
NO COFFEE
NO COFFEE.
NO ROLL.
NO JERKY.
NO FRIENDLY SMILE FROM THE WAWA LADY.
I AM SAD.
I AM FILLED WITH A SNOOZY MALAISE, THAT A STEAMY CUP OF COFFEE CAN FILL (WITH A BUTTERED ROLL)
THERE IS NO COFFEE
BUT LO': A STUBBLY HEADED ANGEL BRINGS MANNA FROM...BP, AND DORITOS TOO!
NEVERMIND- THERE IS NO COFFEE
THE SKWERL IS SAD
TONIGHT, WE FEAST LIKE...COLLEGE STUDENTS!
TO THE VENDING MACHINE!!!!

THINGS I DON'T HATE

2006-10-02T06:04:00.000-04:00

IN THE INTEREST OF FAIR PLAY- HERE IS SHIT I LIKE.

PUPPIES
BUNNIES
KITTIES
SKWERLS
MY MOM
COFFEE- MIRACLE ELIXIR OF LIFE
COLOUR COPIES
MEN THAT ARE FUNNY HAHA, NOT FUNNY TRUNK FULL OF MANNEQUIN PARTS
CHUCK TAYLORS- STYLIN' SINCE 1917- LOVE THEM CHUCKS!
MISFITS
MOTORHEAD
SLUTTY EGGS- THANX CHRIS
MEAT
BIKER JACKETS, TATTOOS, GOATEES, AND THE NON-ASSHOLISH MEN WHO WEAR THEM W/CHUCK TAYLORS
MY DENTIST
MR POTATOHEAD
SAMUEL L JACKSON
DAVE CHAPPELLE
BOXING- NOTHING HOTTER THAN 2 GROWN MEN BEATING THE PISS OUT OF EACH OTHER.
WATCHING SPORTS IN A BAR
JACK DANIELS
FOX NEWS
THE HISTORY CHANNEL
KNITTING
LEWIS BLACK
BEEF JERKY
THAT HOT GUY I KNOW
HITTING STUPID PEOPLE WITH A ROLLED UP NEWS PAPER.
NATALIE DEE COMICS (AND DREW'S TOO)
HOODIES
PONYTAIL THINGIES
CERTAIN PEOPLE WHO DON'T SUCK

IF I THINK OF ANY MORE- I'LL LET YOU KNOW
DER VUNDERSKWERL

THINGS THAT IRRITATE THE EVER LOVING HELL OUT OF ME- FALL EDITION

2006-10-02T06:00:00.000-04:00

FALL IS AFOOT WRATHKETEERS, THE LEAVES ARE PLOTTING THEIR FULL FRONTAL ASSAULT UPON LAWNS EVERYWHERE.
I AM READY.
SO HERE IS THE FALL EDITION OF SHIT THAT ANNOYS THE HELL OUT OF ME, WHATEVER THE TITLE IS.

POLITICIANS,POLITICAL ADS,PUNDITS- WTF IS A PUNDIT?
ANDERSON COOPER- SORRY BRAH, YOU'RE NOT THAT RUGGED. NOW PUT AWAY THE KEVLAR VEST & GET ME WOLF BLITZER.
CNN CORRESPONDENTS HAVING KEVLAR VESTS, BUT POLICE & MILITARY PERSONNEL DO NOT. (HANDY HINT- USE EXCESS REPORTERS TO DEFLECT BULLETS)
EXCESSIVE & HIGHLY PAID SCHOOL ADMINISTRATION, NOT ENOUGH & POORLY PAID TEACHING STAFF...HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN?
MY DESK CHAIR- MY ASS HAS KILLED THE SQUISHINESS- DAMN
DON KING
LARRY KING
SOFA KING WE TODD IT
ALAN KING
BURGER KING- IF I WOKE UP WITH THE MASCOT, I WOULD HAVE A HEART ATTACK.
HOWEVER- STEPHEN KING & STEPHEN COLBERT ARE THE SHIZ
THE MEAN VENDING MACHINE AT WORK- GIVE ME MY JERKY YA BASTARD!
THE DOUCHEBAG AT THE DOG PARK- NO I DON'T WANT MY DOGGIE TO FIGHT YOUR PITBULL ASSHOLE, PLEASE KILL YOURSELF, FOR HUMANITIES SAKE.
MOTHS
THE WORD "KUDOS" IT SOUNDS LIKE A SKIN ERUPTION

WELL THERE IS PLENTY MORE...BUT I'M TIRED
PISS OFF
LA SKWERL

PEOPLE IN NEED ON A VIOLENT BEATING - VOL 8

2006-09-24T02:35:00.000-04:00

SKWERLY SING A LONG:
ITS PEOPLE
WHO NEED A BEATIN'
WITH BLUNT OBJECTS
GET YA HANDS UP
IT'S YA BIRFDAY
SHAKE YA GROOVE TING
BEATIN'S FO ASSHOLES

CHECK, CHECK, 1-2, CHECK 1-2 IS THIS THING ON?
ALLLLLRIGHTY THEN... THIS IS THE QUICK BEATIN' LIST

1.) FORMER NJ GOV, JIM MCGREEVEY...IN ORDER TO AVOID AN INVESTIGATION IN STATE WIDE CORRUPTION, HE QUIT BECAUSE HE WAS SICK OF LEADING A DOWN-LOW DOUBLE LIFE...WTF? LAST I CHECKED HOMOSEXUALITY ISN'T A CHARACTER FLAW, LIKE BEING A MORALLY AMBIVALENT, LYING, TWO-TIMING ASSHOLE IS. WHAT MAKES IT MORE TRAGIC IS THAT HIS WIFE HAD NO CLUE, AND THERE WAS A CHILD BORN DURING HIS CAMPAIGN. OUR STATE, THE GAY COMMUNITY & HIS FAMILY HAD TO SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS FAILURE TO BE HONEST WITH HIMSELF, AND RESIST THE SEDUCTION OF POLITICAL CORRUPTION.

2.) THE NEW YORK TIMES: YOUR SUNDAY EDITION IS FAR TOO HEAVY, & YOUR CROSSWORDS ARE WAY TOO HARD. HOW ABOUT A BEGINNER & INTERMEDIATE CROSSWORD TOO? WE'RE NOT ALL STEVEN HAWKING, YOU KNOW.

3.) TEAM INCOMPETENT....YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE...AND I'M WATCHING.

4.) THE NDN'S (NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOURS): JEEBUS- BUY THE BOY A FUCKING ALARM CLOCK, ITS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE EMOTIONAL SCARS YOUR DAILY VERBAL ABUSE IS CAUSING. BTW: AT SOME POINT THE BOY WHOM YOU CALLED A "FUCKING PUSSY" WILL BE A STRONG, YET HORMONAL TEENAGER, AND WILL HAVE SOME INPUT ON HOW YOU ARE TO SPEND YOUR GOLDEN YEARS...FULL BODY TRACTION IN A CUT RATE NURSING HOME FEATURED ON DATELINE DOESN'T SOUND LIKE PARADISE TO ME.

5.) PEOPLE WHO MOCK MY DESKTOP SANTERIA SHRINE: TECHS DON'T FIX PHONE LINES & SWITCH LOW SPEED CARDS TO PROTECT- THE POWER OF MR POTATOHEAD & THE MAGIC 8-BALL DOES. SPONGEBOB THE PIRATE DIFFUSES POTENTIAL ESCALATIONS- THE "EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANS" PICTURE IS JUST FUNNY, AND HAS NO MYSTICAL POWER...UNLIKE THE TAROT CARDS IN MY DESK- WHICH DO.

SHABBAT SHALOM TO MY HEBREW HOMIES- AND A HAPPY ROSH HASHANAH & YOM KIPPUR TO ALL
SKWERL

DEMOTIVATING THE COLLEGE STUDENT- ONE BLOG POST AT A TIME

2006-09-21T02:23:00.000-04:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA*breathe*HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
shit, I think I pissed myself.

no, really- I think I pissed myself

from NJ.com
10 things to do with a psych degree...other than wiping your ass with it.

Graduating with a bachelor's degree in psychology does not have to mean that you will end up bartending or waiting tables after college graduation.

Here are 10 careers you could obtain with a bachelor's degree in psychology.

10. With a minor in business, you could become a research analyst. Research analysts work closely with the management of corporations to gather, analyze and interpret the data that companies use to market their products.

9. You could also work as a statistical assistant. Much like research analysts, you will collect and analyze data and review it for accuracy, consistency and completeness.

8. You could work as a sales person selling anything from insurance to advertising space in magazines.

7. A career as a drug and alcohol counselor might be in the cards if you feel that you could guide people suffering the long-term effects of substance abuse.

6. Perhaps you could become a juvenile justice worker. As such, you will address the behavioral problems of young people and help prepare them to live and work on their own. You'll serve as both a teacher and role model in this career.

5. Help high school students choose a college, or lead freshmen through the university system as a college admissions counselor. Admissions counselors make decisions about whom to enroll in their schools and whom to award scholarships. They also guide students through the transition from high school to college.

4. You could work in childcare and work with young children at a daycare center.

3. If you work as a group home counselor, you will be responsible for the care and supervision of people in a homelike setting. Counselors assist with planning activities, budgeting and organization of the home.

2. Consider finding work as a teacher's aide. This is an excellent way to get hands-on experience with kids and a way to look into teaching as a career. Teaching assistants help teachers coordinate daily activities, help with troublesome children or tutor students who need additional instruction.

1. The number-one thing to do with a psychology degree is to further your education by going on to earn a master's or doctorate to allow you to practice your skills in a clinical setting.

Or do what I did with my B.S. of Telecommunications...get obscenely drunk every month when you make out your student loan check, then wipe your ass with it.Or you can bartend...near a college...then laugh your ass off at the psych & telecom majors. Then start an anger-based cult & blog about it.

GOD BLESS WILLIE NELSON!

2006-09-19T02:27:00.000-04:00

HERALDING THE WRATH OF FOAMY!
THIS IS SNN- THE SKWERLY NEWS NETWORK...PRESENTED TO YOU IN SHANNO-VISION- COMMENTARY IN BLUE.

73 YEARS OLD...AND STILL TOKES THE WACKY TOBACKY.

WILLIE NELSON CITED FOR MARIJUANA POSSESION
LAFAYETTE, La. - Willie Nelson and four others were issued misdemeanor citations for possession of illegal mushrooms and marijuana after a traffic stop Monday morning on a Louisiana highway, state police said. NOT HIS 1ST OFFENSE
The citations were issued after a commercial vehicle inspection of the country music star's tour bus, state police said in a news release.
"When the door was opened and the trooper began to speak to the driver, he smelled the strong odor of marijuana," the news release said. A search of the bus produced 1 1/2 pounds of marijuana and slightly more than three ounces of illegal mushrooms. IT REEKED OF PATCHOULI, OLD SPICE & STANKY HYDROPONIC THAI WEED, THE OFFICER WAS PLACED ON MEDICAL LEAVE DUE TO THE CONTACT HIGH.
There were enough drugs to merit a felony charge of distribution if they had been found in one person's possession, state police spokesman Willie Williams said. But all five claimed the drugs as their own and the drugs were not packaged for resale, so each was charged with misdemeanors, he said. All were released after the citations were issued. BUT NOT FOR WILLIE, CUZ THAT HOW HE ROLLS- CHILLIN' IN HIS PIMPADELIC MOTO CRIB WITH HIS HOMIES
Nelson's publicist, Elaine Schock, said she would have no comment Monday. HARD TO TALK WITH A BONG IN YOUR MOUTH
Also cited were Tony Sizemore, 59, of St. Cloud, Fla.; Bobbie Nelson, 75, of Briarcliff, Texas; Gates Moore, 54, of Austin, Texas; and David Anderson, 50, of Dallas. UNDERAGE ON WILLIE'S BUS MEANS THEY'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO JOIN AARP OR ORDER FROM THE SENIOR MENU AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE.
Nelson, 73, has recorded songs including "On the Road Again" and "City of New Orleans." COINCEDENTALLY HE WAS SEARCHED ON THE ROAD- AGAIN, NEAR THE CITY OF NEW ORLEANS.

GOD, I LOVE WILLIE NELSON!
DER SKWERL

HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY

2006-09-19T01:12:00.000-04:00

I AM NOT A HAPPY SKWERL LATELY.
NOT TOTALLY SURE WHY EITHER. WORK IS STILL WORK, SIDEKICK & WRATHKETEER CHRISTINE MAKE THIS PLACE BEARABLE...AND ENTERTAINING. ONLINE CHATTERING WITH THAT KEWL GUY MAKES THE TIME PASS QUICKER, AND GETS THE BLOOD PRESSURE UP ;-). MY DOG IS STILL DOGGIE, THE SKWERLS ARE STILL SQUIRRELLY, DR. EVIL & MR. BIGGLESWORTH ARE THE WEIRDEST CATS KNOWN TO MAN. MY MOM IS STILL RIDING THE SHORT BUS OF BLONDITUDE...HER BEST PAL SHERRY IS STILL A WILLING ACCOMPLICE. PRAISE THE LORD, MY EX'S ARE STILL EX'S!

SO WHY AM I IN A FUNK? CRAPPY JOB, LACK OF CONSISTENT SEX- GAS PRICES?
PROBABLY.
METHINKS I AM ENTERING A TRANSITIONAL PHASE BY CRUISING THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL OF ADULTHOOD. I PAY MY BILLS, KEEP A JOB & DO MY ROOTS- GARBAGE GOES OUT EVERY WEDNESDAY MORNING WHEN I GET HOME. I'M LOSING WEIGHT STEADILY, EATING BETTER, RESTING WHEN NEEDED AND EXCERSIZING. THE ETERNA-AFGHAN IS COMING ALONG NICELY.

NEVERMIND...I FEEL A LITTLE BETTER NOW. I GUESS I JUST NEEDED TO VENT.

DAS SKWERL

HERE THERE BE DOUCHEBAGS

2006-09-18T07:17:00.000-04:00

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE ALMIGHTY CHURCH OF FOAMY, WRATHKETEERIAN SYNOD.

In an effort to be more informed and less likely to become just another number I present to female Foaminions...

THE 5 BIGGEST LIES MEN TELL, AND A FEW SIGNS TO WATCH FOR

She's just a friend
Is there a strange woman answering his phone? Sleeping on his couch? Spending late nights with him? She probably is a "friend"…but one who he also occasionally sleeps with. Men tell this lie because they want to get the most they possibly can out of all the women in their lives. The "friend" is not good enough to be a girlfriend…but he doesn't want to end things with her completely in case things don't work out with you.

I'm ready to settle down
There are two reasons men who are actually not ready to settle down say they are. One is that they think you want to hear it. They assume women are only interested in men looking for a wife and babies, so they say whatever they think will help get them laid. The other reason men say they want to settle down is because they genuinely believe they want to settle down… until they are in the position to actually make the commitment. Then they may suddenly decide it's not what they wanted after all.

It's not you, it's me
Sometimes it really is you. Men aren't as accomplished as women at the fine art of polite conflict resolution. Where a woman might feel comfortable telling a man she's not interested, men are much more afraid of direct communication. When he says, "It's not you, it's me," he's really saying "I'm just not that into you." Take it for what it is and move on.

It was a one-time thing
When men are exposed as cheaters, the first excuse they offer is that is was a "one-time thing." In reality, cheating is usually a pattern of behavior that is rooted in much more than a one-time lapse of judgment. If your man cheats and swears it will never happen again, don't just take him at his word. You just can't trust that he'll be honest about something he's already lied to you about.

I'd never lie to you
Even the "good" guys (and "good" girls), stretch the truth sometimes. Whether it's his answer to "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" or his praise for your mother's meatloaf, chances are, he's told you more than a few white lies. Most of these fudges of truth are meant to protect your feelings and don't necessarily reflect his commitment to an honest, open relationship.
There may be a problem, though, if your man continually asserts how honest he is. If he frequently makes a big deal of assuring you that he'd never lie to you, it may be a sign that he's overcompensating for dishonesty.

Other lies to watch out for:

I'll call you
When a man says "I'll call you," we tend to think he means he'll call within the next few days. But for a man, "I'll call you," just means that he'll talk to you again sometime before he dies.

I just got tested
"Trust me" isn't good enough for your body. If sexual health is important enough for him to "get tested," it's also important enough for him to use a condom anyway.

It's complicated
It's not complicated: he has a girlfriend but wants to sleep with you, too.

I'm not really into porn / strippers / bachelor parties / Paris Hilton
Most women think their man is not that into this kind of thing. Yet the sex industry makes millions every day. You do the math.
Let's talk about it later He's really saying, "Let's end this conversation and never talk about it again."

Now before you go getting up at arms, there are always exceptions to these guidelines, and we women are far from perfect ourselves. Actually- we're fucking crazy. But if a guy is chanting these like a mantra any of these, then it is time to wake the fuck up. If your Spidey-sense is tingling, it does it for a reason.

Listen, learn...if he's a douchebag the signs will be there.
Skwerl

EWWWW- GIRL COOTIES!!!!

2006-09-17T10:26:00.000-04:00

HEY THERE WRATHKETEERS.
I HAVE CAUGHT A NASTY BUG, INSIDIOUS REALLY. I GOT A CASE OF EXCESSIVE GIRLYNESS.
HOW DO COME TO THIS CONCLUSION. WELL, I DID MY NAILS.
THEN I PUT ON SOME CORRINE BAILEY RAE MUSIC, PERFUME, UGLY SPACKLE ON THE FACE...DID MY MOTHERFUCKING HAIR.
THE IMPENDING FALL IS WHAT BRINGS THIS AFFLICTION TO MY DOORSTEP.
AUTUMN IS THE GIRLIEST OF ALL THE SEASONS. WE DRESS A LITTLE LESS SLUTTY, OPTING FOR SOPHISTICATED CLINGY KNITS. WE LOOSE THE SUMMER PONYTAIL SINCE HEAD SWEAT ISN'T MUCH OF A PROBLEM. THE ACCESSORIES COME OUT WITH THEIR MATCHING JACKETS & BOOTS. SOME OF US START TO PREPARE FOR THE IMPENDING WINTER'S DARK BY PREENING IN ORDER TO CATCH SOME MALE COMPANIONSHIP (OR FEMALE DEPENDING ON WHAT GETS YOU HOT.)
WE FESTOON OUR WOMANLY BOUDOIRS WITH FLUFFY COMFORTERS, ON THE OFF CHANCE WE SNAG A BED PARTNER TO SHARE IT WITH.
I AM NO EXCEPTION, I TIRE OF THE SUMMERY SINGLENESS, AND I NEED TO FIND ME A SUITABLE SPIDER KILLER. I WOULD LIKE TO WAKE NEXT TO SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T GREET OTHERS WITH A COLD WET NOSE TO THE ASS. THERE'S NO RUSH THOUGH...UNLESS THERE IS A SPIDER INVASION.
EVENTUALLY THE EXCESSIVE GIRLYNESS OF FALL BECOMES THE BUTCHY, SENSIBLE CLOTHING & SNOWBOOTS OF WINTER.

HMMM, MAYBE I CAN TRAIN THE DOG TO USE A FLYSWATTER.

SKWERL

CNN- STILL THE DUMBEST NAME IN NEWS

2006-09-16T06:15:00.000-04:00

THIS JUST IN...
CNN HAS TAKEN ON THE ONUS OF NAMING IMAGINARY COUNTRIES.
THIS 40 ACRES OF HEAVEN IS CALLED...WAIT FOR IT...IRAQ-ISTAN

L O FUCKING L

NOW I WANT TO NAME SOME IMAGINARY PLACES TOO.
HERE'S WHAT I CAME UP WITH:
CHOADVILLE
FUCKOFF-ISTAN
WINDOWLICK-ITLAN
JACKASS CITY
ASSWIPE VALLEY
DINGLEBERRY JUNCTION
ANUS HOLLER
TAINTTOWN

AND MY 2 FAVOURITE PLACES: FOAMINIA & SHANNADU

I NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED DUNDERPATED NUMBSKULLERY

HAPPY TRAILS- THE SKWERL

ONE STEP FROM RUNNING WITH SCISSORS

2006-09-16T03:59:00.000-04:00

GABBA GABBA HEY WRATHKETEERS.
YA KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO SAY- FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKETY FUCKER!
I AM AT THE END OF MY ROPE, MY FELLOW FOA-MINIONS.
MY TOLERANCE FOR AGGRAVATION, BULLSHIT AND ABJECT BLATHERSKIPERY IS AT AN END.

I AM SO FULL OF FOAMINIAN WRATH & FRUSTRATION- I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I FEEL LIKE THIS.
I AM FULL OF OTHER NEGATIVE EMOTIONS AS WELL, CURRENTLY I FEEL:
ANGRY
SAD
WRATHY
USED
ANNOYED
ITCHY
TWITCHY
SNEEZY
PISSED
EDGY
CHILLY
ACHY
BORED
UGLY
STUPID
CLUELESS
BLIND
AND I MAY EXPLODE OR SOMETHING NASTY LIKE THAT. SO GOODNIGHT & FUCK YOURSELVES, OR NOT- WHATEVER...OH, IM ALSO APATHETIC.

SKWERL

MY NIGHT OFF- ADULT VERSION

2006-09-14T03:34:00.000-04:00

Current mood: UNDERWHELMED

BON MATIN WRATHKETEERS

DUE TO POOR & SUCKY SCHEDULING I AM ON A 4 WEEKEND AT WORK TOUR. THIS WEEK I HAVE WED & THURS NIGHTS OFF.

NOW IF THIS WAS TEN YEARS AGO, I WOULD MOST LIKELY HAVE THE TWINS ON PROMINENT DISPLAY AND MAKING MY WAY THRU THE BETTER PART OF A BOTTLE OF MR. DANIELS FINEST. I WOULD ALSO BE GETTING HIT ON BY VARIOUS CHAVS, DOUCHBAGS & MAYBE ONE WHO I MAY ACTUALLY CALL.

FLASH TO 2006- I AM HOME, ALONE- EXCEPT FOR THE KEWLEST DOG....NO MAN, NO PLANS, AND PARTIALLY CLOTHED MAKING OUT A GROCERY LIST. I SHALL VENTURE OUT SHORTLY TO THE 24 SHOPRITE....AND IT IS RAINING. AND COLD. THE DOG HAS GAS & HIS SNORING SOUNDS AS IF IT COMES FROM THE VERY BOWELS OF HELL.

SINCE MY BOREDOM KNOWS NO BOUNDS I WILL HEAD TO THE STORE FOR THE PRECIOUS BOOTY I MUST PROCURE. I CAN'T LIVE WITH OUT SPICY MUSTARD, SWEET & LOW, WINDEX, FEBREZE & SWIFFER WETJET PADS. I MAY ALSO GET ONE OF THOSE NEVERSCRUB TOILET THINGIES...WAAHOOO.

DOES THE EXCITEMENT EVER END?
SKWERL

MY CONSTIPATED MIND

2006-09-09T06:26:00.000-04:00

MOSHI MOSHI WRATHKETEER-SAN
SADLY I AM OF UNSOUND MIND. IT HAS BEEN WANDERING WHERE I DON'T WANT IT TO GO. YOU KNOW THOSE DARK EMO-ISH PLACES THAT I HAVE DONE BATTLE WITH SO MANY TIMES.
SOMETIMES I FEEL THAT I AM HAUNTED BY THE PAST, THEN TAUNTED BY THE PRESENT. THEN I GO TO WORK WITH THE HOPES THAT THE STREAM OF WINDOW LICKERS & TELEPHONIC RETARDS CAN DISTRACT ME LONG ENOUGH TO FORGET.
LATELY IT HASN'T WORKED VERY WELL, AS I FIND MYSELF SLIPPING INTO THE CRAPPY JAMMIES OF DESPAIR....OH HOW I LONG FOR THE PERFECT FITTING JEANS OF OK-NESS, AND THE CHUCK TAYLORS OF HAPPY WRATHFULNESS AND THE MATCHING HOODIE OF FUCK OFF-ITY.
MAYBE I JUST NEED A NIGHT OUT, SOME JACK DANIELS AND A CARTON OF CAMELS. WHO'S WITH ME?

MORE BEST OF CRAIG'S LIST WISDOM: REDEMPTION

2006-09-08T01:45:00.000-04:00

I TRY TO STAY AWAY FROM THE SCHMALTZY STUFF, BUT THIS GEM CAUGHT MY EYE.

SOMETIMES IN LIFE WE FORGET THAT OUR ACTIONS CAN SEVERELY IMPACT OTHERS. SOMETIMES OUR DECISIONS DEVASTATE, OUR SELF ABSORBED RANTINGS CAUSE REAL PAIN, INNOCENTS SUFFER UNDER OUR HEAVY HANDED SELF INTEREST.

LET'S TAKE A MOMENT AND REMEMBER WE ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS WORLD. WE ARE ACCOUNTABLE TO EACH OTHER. LET THE MINIVAN FULL OF KIDS THRU THE INTERSECTION, LEAVE A CUP OF COFFEE, MUFFIN & SOME ADVIL ON THE CRANKY LADY'S DESK- IT MIGHT BRIGHTEN THEIR DAY KNOWING SOMEONE THOUGHT OF THEM TOO. MAYBE THEY'LL DO THE SAME FOR ANOTHER.
WITHOUT FURTHER ADIEU...THE STORY THAT CAUGHT MY EYE....

I almost destroyed a life today...I have to rant to someone. I cannot tell this to my friends. I am a partner in a growing company. Business tends to slow down a little in November and December and I find myself pushing my people harder and harder. I didn't come to be one of the owners overnight. I worked hard for many years and for a boss that was cruel and heartless. I rose above it all. Now he's gone and I run all of the divisions everywhere. I swore I would never, ever treat an employee like he did. Well, I forgot. Its easy to drive my Mercedes home listening to my favorite CD or watching the game on my 60" TV or heading to Vegas for some fun. But in the mix of become important I forgot who I was and I forgot the promise I made. Today, one of my employees who have been particularly aloof or unable to concentrate lately set me off and I sent her packing. She threw nothing short of a fit and I had her escorted to the door ASAP so that her sobbing would not distract the rest of the staff. A couple of hours ago I noticed one of my senior staff was not back from lunch. She's a good and trusted employee and manager. But today I was "kicking ass and taking names" So I called to find out how dare she be late and heard the sound of a little girl in the background. This employee doesn't have any kids so I asked where she was. Turns out she was at the home of the employee I had dismissed. That employee as it turns out was so aloof and distracted because her husband had abandoned her and her kids some weeks ago and she was too ashamed to say anything. Today was her 4 year old girls birthday and she couldn't afford a cake leave alone candles to put on it! She's been paying all the bills since her husband left her and is nearly broke. All of her distant behavior and inability to perform suddenly made sense. But I was too busy worrying about my bottom line to be bothered to notice. I fired this woman today and she went home wondering how she could even give her daughter a gift for her birthday because I just took her primary source of income away from her. I just got back from the store. I bought all of the presents and food I could grab up in a short amount of time but suffice it to say this little girl will have a great party this evening. Thier refrigerator will have food in it and theres plenty of pizza and ice cream and gifts. Her mother has a job to come back to Monday morning and me? Well, I have some lessons to learn and some soul searching to do. I wasnt raised to be such an arrogant, uncompassionate son of a bitch but I somehow managed to get there. You don't need to know my name. Its not important. I just needed to get this off my chest and to share this in hopes that someone else like me, will read this and remember who we really are and where we came from. I thought I was a big man but found out today I am very, very small. Please, do something to help someone truly in need.

TOM CRUISE, XENU'S CABANA BOY OR HOBGOBLIN?

2006-09-07T03:32:00.000-04:00

HIDELY HO WRATHKERINO'S
MY NEMISIS LARRY KING JUST DID AN HOUR ON BABY SURI'S PICTURES. EVERY LAST PHOTO SCREAMED "I'M NOT GAY! REALLY, KATIE & I DID IT!"

FOR THOSE OF YOU NOT PAYING ATTENTION- WHO FUCKING CARES. 6 BILLION PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET, WHO THE FUCK CARES IF YOU'RE GAY, STRAIGHT OR OTHER(?). ENOUGH WITH THIS MINDLESS TWADDLE. I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHO'S FUCKING WHO...UNLESS I AM ONE OF THE FUCKEES. I DON'T CARE WHO'S KNOCKED UP- AGAIN, UNLESS I AM THE KNOCK-ED. I DON'T CARE WHO'S ON THE BULEMIA DIET OR WHO LOSS 900 LBS ON JENNY CRAIG. I DO CARE IF PETROL COSTS MORE THAN BLACK TAR HEROINE. I REALLY CARE IF THERE IS SOME INCLEMENT WEATHER HEADED MY WAY. I CARE IF A GROUP OF HALF COCKED NUTBAGS ARE PLANNING TO DRIVE A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION RIGHT INTO NEW JERSEY (OR ANY PART OF THE U.S., REALLY.) THIS IS IMPORTANT SHIT- NOT THE TOM-KITTEN, WHO SOMEWHAT LOOKS LIKE DAMIEN FROM THE ORIGINAL OMEN- IT'S PROBABLY THE HAIR.

AAAANYWAY- YOU KNOW WHAT SCARES ME SHITLESS? TOM CRUISE. HE IS THE NEW BOOGEYMAN.
WHEN I WAS A CHILD WE FEARED THE CLOSET MONSTER...TODAY'S KIDS FEAR THE TOMKAT.

HERE'S A LISTING OF GOOD CHASTISEMENTS TO EMOTIONALLY SCAR YOUR KIDS WITH:

"BE GOOD OR TOM CRUISE WILL GET YOU. "

"I'M GONNA SELL YOU TO TOM CRUISE'S ALIEN SIDESHOW IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR GRADES UP!"

"TOM CRUISE IS IN YOUR CLOSET"

"IF YOU'RE GOOD SANTA WILL BRING YOU PRESENTS, IF YOU'RE BAD SANTA BRINGS TOM CRUISE."

"LET ME GUESS, YOUR ROOM IS A MESS BECAUSE TOM CRUISE WAS JUMPING ON YOUR BED?"

"IF YOU SAY TOM-KAT 3 TIMES IN A MIRROR AT MIDNIGHT, THE CRUISE'S WILL COME AND GET YOU."

"GOOD BOYS GO TO HEAVEN, BAD BOYS JUMP ON OPRAH'S COUCH."

"WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE DINNER OR YOUR GONNA CATCH CRUITEES."

"OLLIE OLLIE CRUISE IS WEIRD"

"ONE TWO THREE, GET OFF MY....HAIL XENU"

"MILK MILK LEMONADE, AROUND THE CORNER TOMKAT WILL STEAL YOUR SOUL."

GOT ANY MORE- POST THEM HERE!

SKWERL

THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

2006-09-04T04:44:00.000-04:00

ACCCORDING TO THE BEST BACK TO SCHOOL COMMERCIAL - EVER....IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR...
THAT'S RIGHT WRATHKETEERS, SCHOOL STARTS TUESDAY!!! WAHOOOOOOOOO!

SO LITTLE JOHNNY CUMSTAINS & JENNY SHUTYOURFUCKINGNOISEHOLE WILL BE SPENDING THEIR DAYS IN SKOOOOL- AND I CAN FINALLY SLEEP PEACEFULLY AGAIN!

AS MOST OF YOU KNOW- I WORK 3RD SHIFT & THE LITTLE BASTARDS ROBBED ME OF PRECIOUS SLEEP ALL FUCKING SUMMER WITH THEIR INANE CATERWALLING AND NONSENSICAL BLATHERING.
HERE'S A TIP: IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS NEXT DOOR- USE THE PHONE, OR BETTER YET- KNOCK ON THEIR FUCKING DOOR! THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU IF THEY ARE INSIDE YOU WINDOW-LICKING TARD...BUT I CAN- BECAUSE MY BEDROOM WINDOW IS MERE FEET FROM YOUR NOISE HOLE.

THIS YEAR- I SHALL GET MY DELICIOUSLY OVERDUE REVENGE- I WILL PARK MY CAR NEXT TO YOUR BEDROOM WINDOW...AND WHEN YOU'RE FAST ASLEEP@ 2320 ON A SUNDAY NIGHT- I'LL BE SURE TO LET YOU KNOW MY COMINGS & GOINGS BY WAY OF THE KIND CHAPS OF HATEBREED OR BIOHAZARD ON MY VERY LOUD CAR STEREO. I MIGHT EVEN PUT THE TOP DOWN.
FOR GOOD MEASURE I'LL BE SURE TO WAKE YOUR EQUALLY PARENTS TOO. I WOULDN'T WANT TO LEAVE THEM OUT. JUST TO BE THOUROUGH I'LL START SMOKING MY OWN BEEF JERKY NIGHT AFTER NIGHT UNDER THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW. I'M SURE YOU'LL LOVE IT- GOD KNOWS I ENJOYED THE SCENT OF BURNING WOOD/MEAT/LIGHTER FLUID & CHARCOAL TO SCARE ME AWAKE HALFWAY THROUGH THE SLEEP CYCLE. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE THINKING YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE EVERY FUCKING DAY TO START YOUR DAY. I'LL EVEN BRING OUT THE POWER TOOLS. MAYBE EVEN BUILD A SHED BOARD BY BOARD EVERY NIGHT I'M OFF.
THAT'S RIGHT FUCKERS- IT'S ON!

MORE BEST OF CRAIG'S LIST WISDOM

2006-09-02T05:14:00.000-04:00

RAINY, WINDDRIVEN SHITTY GREETING TO ALL!

RECENTLY I HAVE DISCOVERED "THE BEST OF CRAIG'S LIST" AND I MUST SAY THE POSTINGS HAVE MADE MY TORTUOUS HOLIDAY WEEKEND SHIFT NOT SUCK QUITE SO MUCH.THAT'S NOT TO SAY THE RANTS TOTALLY REMOVED THE SOUL KILLING SUCKAGE THAT IS THE CROSS BOURNE BY CONTRACTORS OF DEATHSTAR TELCO- NOT THAT AT ALL. IT DID MAKE THE SUCKINESS SEEM SOMEHOW SHORTER.

MAY I SHARE WITH YOU SOME MORE CRAIG-IAN WORDS TO LIVE BY...

FRIENDLY ADVICE FROM YOUR CRIMINAL DEFENSE ATTORNEY:

1. When a cop says to you, "anything you say can and will be used against you", that's your cue to shut the fuck up.

Whatever you do, don't say something stupid like: "I only had two beers". In Arizona, DUI is impaired to the SLIGHTEST degree. Two brews will impair a 280 pound linebacker to the slighest degree, and will probably do the same to you.
"Why don't you arrest the real drunk drivers?" Seriously, wtf?
"I shot Larry in the head four times because he said my myspace page was 'gay'. The gun is under the driver's seat of my car, and I dumped his body in a wash five miles west of milepost 268 off the I-10."
In most criminal cases, the strongest piece of evidence against a defendant is his confession. Remember, without your confession, often the prosecution has no case.

2. Don't give the cops permission to search your car!

If Officer Friendly is asking you if he can search your car, that means he has no right to search your car unless you give him permission; otherwise, he wouldn't be asking you for permission. Officer Friendly is not your friend.
If your sack/glock/bloody glove is in the car (1) he will find it, (2) he will arrest you, and (3) you will call me and I will tell you that you should have Just Said No.

3. I am an excellent attorney, and my boss is a friggen genious, but there is often very little we can do to help you by the time we receive your case, as far as winning a "not guilty" verdict goes.

Just to clear things up, the following are NOT defenses to criminal charges:
"I thought the cop was a prostitute."
"That crank was bunk, anyway."
"I just put my junk a little bit of the way in."
"I just dropped my truck off in the desert for 15 minutes. By the time I came back, someone must have accidently loaded 250 kilos in it."
"I didn't know that Kara_AZ_13 was really Dectective Uhall of the Tucson Police Department. "But it was my first time."

The following are probably not defenses to crimes, but MAY be defenses:
"The bitch ain't even dead." If my file contains an autopsy report, I think the professional rules of conduct bar me from advancing The Bitch Ain't Dead defense.
"I take back what I said to Officer Friendly." Did the cop hold a gun to your head to make you talk? No. Did he forget to read you Miranda? No. Did you waive Miranda and talk to the cop? Yes. Then no take backs, sorry!!!
"I thought it was a regular brownie."
"It was just a butter knife."
"I can't believe it's not butter."

And now for the strong defenses:
"The cop had no reason to pull me over."
"I was asleep, and I've never sleep-walked before."
"The other guy was pointing a gun at me."
"I'm not Juan Rodriguez."

4. Thanks to a conservative Supreme Court and 25 years of tough on crime legislation (seriously, when have you heard of politician win on a 'soft on crime' platform?), the courts are no friends of criminal defendants. By the time you hire me as a lawyer the cards are stacked against you. Remember, 95 percent of the cases where the accused is charged with a crime will result in a criminal conviction.

My advice: Don't commit crime! If you choose to break the law, don't tell the cop about it, and don't let him search your car, okay?

SKWERL

BEST ACT OF RANDOM PARENTING...EVER!!!!

2006-09-01T05:08:00.000-04:00

Skwerly greetings all.I was brought up with the notion that it's never too late to change, and hope springs eternal.
I saw this on the Best of Craig's list...this man deserves a medal for "Best Act of Random Parenting"
Kudos to you unnamed dad from Manhattan Beach, CA...better late than never.

May I present....................
My Son Is A Moron... He Did Not Come From My Loins...

Date: 2006-07-20, 1:39PM PDT

You do everything you can for your kids. God knows I've tried. But it seems like God enjoys a good joke, now and then. I was raised in a strict household. My parents bore offspring from the early-50's to the mid-60's. I was around the middle of this brood. With nine mouths to feed, we did not have a lot of extras. We worked for simple things, like bicycles. Nothing wrong with that. It's what we knew. And we were given a great foundation, on which we could create a life for ourselves. As I said, my parents were strict - which made me not wish to be such with my kids.
Ah, my kids... I'm in my forties, and the wife is a bit younger. I make a fine income, and try not to sweat anything. I get up... have coffee... look out at the ocean... read the paper... move onto my business. I appreciate not having a house full of screaming kids in the morning (something that was impossible when I grew up).
All I ask of my kids is to;
a) be respectful of everyone,
b) be honest
c) get good grades,
d) clean their rooms.
I do not ask for much, nor do I demand much. However... that is going to change tonight.
Events that occurred this morning will bring about change like these kids have never known. The wife has kept me in the dark about some things as well. It's my fault. I accept it. But I can reverse this downward trend - now. My generation (baby-boomers) has found that it is easier to go around a wall, than climb over over it - or knock it down. I'm as guilty as anyone. My guilt turned into rage this morning. My son (and my wife) convinced me that he NEEDED a car (he's seventeen). I was not keen on a kid driving, that has trouble standing a surfboard, or walking down the stairs without tripping. But I relented (again, why fight it). With some stipulations, we aquired a car for this child. The rules were put in place, and he proclaimed we were the greatest parents in the worls. Uh huh... It's 12:00pm, and he has yet to get out of bed. His mother has been instructed to tell my prodigy that he is GROUNDED. We have never done this, but we are today. And I mean GROUNDED in his room! Not out by the pool. Not in the gameroom. His cluttered abode is where he better be when I get home tonight. And I'm going to be stopping for a drink, first. I deserve a drink after this morning. Let me tell you about my day. I go out to my car in the driveway (I have a three-car garage - and "hers" is the only one that fits inside). My insanely over-priced piece of shit refuses to start today (3rd time in 2 months - the car is 6-monthss old). Okay... I call 'AAA'; it will 45-60 minutes. No time to wait. Okay... I'm going to take my kids' car. I go in and retrieve the keys (everyone is till asleep @ 8am). I leave a note telling him to call me. His car is down the street at a friends house. Why? He claimed that our driveway was too crowded (and the other kids might scratch it). Okay... I find his car... set off the alarm... Shit! People, one word; LOJACK. Goddamn, I hate those alarms. Anyways I get in the car, after noticing the REALLY nice rims & tires on it. Hmmm, how did he pay for those? WHEN, did he get those? I get in, and notice a new STEERING WHEEL... without the AIRBAG - that I demanded he have. Oh, this car is totally bitchin' dude! It gets better... I start it up... A huge racket comes from the exhaust (not stock anymore!)... And the stereo starts screaming out profanities! The backseat is now occupied by a huge box with speakers in it... and fast-food trash... and 'ziz-zag' papers... and empty 'trojan' wrappers (a chip off the 'ole block). To say the least I am pissed. I proceed to drive this rattling, screaming (I tear the faceplate off - finally), piece of doo-doo down the road. I swear, I think I awakened everyone in the neighborhood. I head out onto PCH, and drive less than a mile... when MB's finest pulls me over... WTF? I know I wasn't speeding. The officer comes up to the car, and asks for my license and insurance card... I hand over the license, and tell him I'm not sure where the insurance card is - 'it's my son's car'... "look in the glovebox" (he is - actually - smiling now)... I open the glovebox... and a small BONG falls out... I look at him... he looks at me... This is not happening! Oh, but it is. The first thing I say is 'it's not mine!'... "um, sir, could you step out of the car, please"... I get out, and we step onto the sidewalk. He tells me he stopped me for having an illegal exhaust (no shit - it sounds like two-dozen weedwhackers coming down the street). He also informs me that there are plenty more violations on this car... And I start laughing... He asks why am I laughing... And I tell him how my day is going. "What about the water-pipe?" Indeed! I inform him that this is all a surprise to me, but I would like him to write up everything that is illegal about the vehicle. He looks at me like I'm crazy. But I want my kid to learn a lesson. And the officer obliges me. He, even, finds some weed in the trunk... 17 tickets later, we are finished... almost... I ask him if I can keep all of the drug paraphenalia? "Why?" I want my kid to destroy it. I want this kid to know his "fuck-off" days are over. The officer agrees. I could see he was wishing he could be there tonight, for the "lesson". He was pretty decent about the whole thing. This guy took, almost, a half-hour to go through all of this paperwork - and search. I thank him, and head out... He tells me if I get stopped again today, that I should show all the citations to the other officer - and I should not have any problems... Problems?!! We have problems. I have lost control of my family. My wife is a co-conspirator. She has just been told that I want a listing of all of our household bills & accounts. 'Yes, dear - we are going to perform an audit'. She is protesting, but I do not care. This is war. I know my family loves me, but they have played me for a fool. I may be a fool, but I am not dumb. She does not know that I just found out my son is in Summer school, because of bad grades. She doesn't know that DMV has provided me with her, and his, records; apparently they have a problem with obeying traffic laws. It's not going to be easy, but something must be done. I swear, I feel like I have become my father... I want the best for my family, and feel something radical must happen. I can only hope they - truly - understand it is for our own good.

Some things that will be addressed tonight;
1) Son's vehicle is gone; oil up that chain on your bicycle.
2) All three kids will empty out the garage; sell it/ donate it/ whatever.
3) Mom will have a household budget.
4) Chores - that's right; everyone will have assigned chores.
5) Chores will be done, before anything else.
6) Homework will be done daily, before dinner. * Or, immediately after sports events, but always prior to 10pm.
7) Son's tickets will be paid with his allowance.
8) Son is grounded for the rest of the summer.
9) Son will study from 8am until 4pm - daily, durint the rest of summer vacation.
10) Videogames are banned from 10pm until 6pm - daily.
11) Everyone will be up by 8am - daily.
12) The youngest child is on a diet - now.
13) Mother will inform father of ALL infractions.
14) Dad will be home by 6pm - daily.
15) Everyone will eat dinner, together.
16) Mom will cook dinner - and it better not come out of the microwave.
17) The maid is being given four weeks notice. * That is going to be fun - I may not see a sexual interlude for awhile.
18) Dad is getting a new car, and parking it in his garage.
19) Son may get a USED car, when his grades are A's & B's, for two - consecutive - semesters.
20) Mom and son are to attend driving school.
21) Son will explain drug usage - completely, or face rehab & boarding school.
2) Mom will be weaned off of her "medications"; NOW.
23) Children will make their own lunches, for school; no more money for shitty school food.
24) NO soda. Maybe, when we dine out. Maybe, on the weekends.
25) NO MySpace accounts, or any other assinine accounts - a computer geek will check all of their computers - monthly (they need fear put into their lives).
26) Dad will attend all school functions.
27) Everyone will be present for all birthdays.
28) Children will wear clothes that Dad approves of.
29) Mom will dress daughter like a little girl; not a 'hoochie-mama'. * and - definitely - no "juicy" pants on her bottom!
30) Daughter will not have any underwear, except for briefs.
31) Sons will not be told to pull up their pants, or face having said pants donated.
32) NO 'Rap' music, within Dad's hearing range.
33) NO tattoos, until you are out of my house.
34) NO piercings (except for daughter's ears), until you are out of my house.
35) NO dyeing of hair, until you are out of my house.

Did I miss something? I'm continuing to add to the list... Tell me if I missed something... Tell me if I'm wrong... I've seen those "wife-swap" & "nanny" shows... I hate to think that is my life... Wish me luck... I may be sleeping on the patio tonight...

this is in or around Long Letter From Manhattan Beach

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE! KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ANGRY DAD OF MANHATTAN BEACH!
SKWERL!

PEOPLE IN NEED OF A VIOLENT BEATING...VOL 7

2006-08-31T04:39:00.000-04:00

PEOPLE IN NEED OF A VIOLENT BEATING...VOL 7

GREETINGS MY WRATHFUL BRETHREN...
THE LATEST INDUCTEES TO THE PINVB HALL OF FAME ARE *drumroll* CRYBABY CELEBRITIES WHO THINK WE SHOULD ADOPT THEIR POLITICS *tadaaaah*

AS I PERUSED MY EMAIL TODAY A LITTLE ARTICLE CAUGHT MY EYE..."KANYE WEST SAYS BEST VIDEO NOT NOMINATED" (AP NEWS)
"WAAAH, MY VIDEO WASN'T NOMINATED, YOU'RE ALL AGAINST ME WAAAH, GEORGE BUSH HATES BLACK PEOPLE WAAAH, I'M NOT INSULTING CHRISTIANS ON MY ROLLING STONE COVER- I'M AN ARTISTE WAAAAH."
OH BOO-FUCKING-HOO...NOT EVERYONE SEES THINGS YOUR WAY MR. WEST, AND LAST I CHECKED GETTING SIGNED TO A LABEL DOESN'T IMMEDIATELY IMPART HIGHER POLITICAL IDEALS OR INSIGHT....SO DISPENSE WITH THE INFANTILE POUTING.

THEN WE HAVE THE 'ACTORS' WHO TRY TO STRONGARM US INTO BACKING THEIR IDEALOGICAL CANDIDATES. REMEMBER IN 2000 WHEN BALDWIN & STREISAND THREATED TO LEAVE THE U.S. IF GEORGE BUSH WON.
WELL GEORGE BUSH WON,--AAAAAAND THEY'RE STILL HERE- DESPITE GENEROUS OFFERS BY THE PUBLIC RANGING FROM TO TAKE THEM TO THE AIRPORT TO PIGGY BAG RIDE/SWIM THEM TO FRANCE.

TOO MANY OF THESE CELEBRITIES FORGET TO PUT UP OR SHUT UP. WE WATCH YOUR MOVIES OR HEAR YOUR MUSIC BECAUSE IT'S ENTERTAINMENT. MOST FOLKS DON'T GIVE A RATS ASS WHAT YOU THINK POLITICALLY. IF YOU CARE SO MUCH, HOW ABOUT DOING SOMETHING OTHER THAN BREAKING OUT THE CHECKBOOK OR SINGING A SONG AT A BENEFIT (WHICH SOMETIMES IS A PAID PERFORMANCE.)

HOWEVER, THERE ARE A FEW CELEBRITIES I DO ADMIRE IN THEIR CHARITABLE WORKS- ALTHOUGH I DON'T NECESSARILY AGREE WITH THEM POLITICALLY. FOR EXAMPLE- FELLOW JERSEY GIRL SUSAN SARANDON IS A VERY GENEROUS WITH HER TIME AND ACTUALLY GETS HER HANDS DIRTY IN SOME OF THE MOST POVERTY STRICKEN PARTS OF THE WORLD, AS DOES ANGELINA JOLIE & TIM ROBBINS. AUDREY HEPBURNS FIGHT AGAINST FAMINE FOR THE UN IS LEGENDARY & WITHOUT A DOUBT WON HER A PLACE IN HEAVEN.

NOW ITS TIME TO GO WATCH SOME POLITIC-FREE CARTOONAGE!
SKWERL

MY CUBICLE

2006-08-28T04:15:00.000-04:00

TYPICAL MONDAY INTERNAL MONOLOGUE:

IS THIS IS WHY I CUT HAIR & LIVED ON MAC & CHEESE IN COLLEGE?

WHO THE FUCK DID I PISS OFF?

THE WAGES OF SIN ISN'T DEATH...IT'S MY JOB.

IS IT 8 AM YET. AW FUCK- IT'S 12:30

HMMM...I WANT BEEF JERKY.

OOHH- TWIZZLERS.

MY MOUTH DOESN'T FEEL HAPPY- STUPID TWIZZLERS.

TIME FOR CuteOverload....AAAAHH BUNNIES!

YAY AirToons

IS IT 8 AM YET? AW FUCK- 12:32.

FOR THE LOVE OF FOAMY...SHOOT ME

SKWERL

FUNNY PICTURES I MADE @ WORK

2006-08-17T04:33:00.000-04:00

MR ROGERS IS THE SHIZ!

2006-08-17T03:20:00.000-04:00

IT'S A HELL OF A DAY IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD,
IT'S A HELL OF A DAY TO BE A NEIGHBOUR!
AND TO BE WRATHFUL, EVEN CRANKY!

ONE OF MY FAVOURITE SHOWS GROWING UP (AND I STILL WATCH IT SPORADICALLY) IS MR. ROGER'S NEIGHBOURHOOD. I LOOKED FORWARD TO HEARING HIS CALM & REASSURING VOICE, AND THE NEAT THINGS WE WOULD LEARN EVERY DAY. I LEARNED TO PLAY AN INSTRUMENT OR 4 BECAUSE OF MY DAILY DOSE OF PBS. I ALSO DEVELOPED THE HABIT OF CHANGING MY SHOES & INTO COMFY CLOTHES WHEN I GET HOME.
THE SHOW WAS QUITE REVOLUTIONARY WHEN IT FIRST CAME OUT IN THE EARLY 60'S, AND THE SAME THINGS THAT MAKE IT GREAT ARE WHAT KEEP IT ON IN SYNDICATION TO THIS DAY. KIDS NEED THAT SAFE & REASSURING PLACE. SADLY IN THIS HYPERACTIVE WORLD THAT IS RARE TO FIND AT HOME...BUT IT'S ALWAYS ON CHANNEL 13.

SO HERE'S TO YOU MR ROGERS...BEST...NEIGHBOUR...EVER!
SKWERL

JERKY, THE OTHER MEAT

2006-08-16T04:08:00.000-04:00

DEAR GOD IT'S ONLY 0400....
WRATHFUL GREETINGS ALL. I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO UPDATE THE MYSPACE BLOG FOR 2 DAYS, AND I AM STILL QUITE UNSUCCESSFUL. STUPID WORK PC AND ITS "RULES"

RECENTLY I HAVE BEGUN A LOVE AFFAIR WITH BEEF JERKY, TERIYAKI FLAVOUR TO BE PRECISE. TRUE IT HAS THE TEXTURE OF MY PURSE, AND IS PROBABLY MADE FROM COW LIPS AND ASSES- BUT DAMMIT IT IS QUITE TASTY. ITS SORT OF LIKE MEAT FLAVOURED GUM. IT'S QUITE FILLING TOO.
I SEE IT THIS WAY MILLIONS OF PIONEERS CAN'T BE WRONG...EVEN IF THEY ARE DEAD.

ALL HAIL THE JERKY!!!!
SKWERL

PEOPLE IN NEED OF A VIOLENT BEATING, VOL 6

2006-08-15T05:49:00.000-04:00

GREETING OH THE WRATHIEST OF THE WRATHFUL
IN MY ONGOING SERIES- PEOPLE WHO NEED A VIOLENT BEATING I FOCUS ON RABID SPORTS FANATICS. THIS STORY COMES BY THE WAY OF BEIJING CHINA, DURING THE WORLD CUP....ENJOY!

FAN SAVES TV FROM BURNING HOUSE (6/29/06)

Reuter's-Beijing - A Beijing soccer fan refused to let the small matter of his house burning down disturb his enjoyment of Tuesday's World Cup match between France and Spain.
A fire broke out in a hutong in the centre of the Chinese capital at 03:00 local time on Wednesday - kick-off time in Hanover - and gutted the traditional courtyard dwelling, the Beijing Daily Messenger reported.
"When the neighbours shouted 'fire!', I took my little baby and ran out in my nightclothes," the man's wife told the paper.
"My husband paid no attention to the danger, just grabbed the television and put it under his arm.
"After getting out of the house, he then set about finding an electric socket to plug in and continue watching his game."
The anti-social timing of the matches broadcast from Germany, which is six hours behind China, has forced some Chinese fans to go to great lengths to follow the action.
One man quit his job in Beijing to return to his hometown Chongqing so he could watch the whole tournament uninterrupted.
State news agency Xinhua reported that the 23-year-old's boss at the IT company had offered him a pay rise, but he turned it down flat, saying the World Cup was more important than his job.
The Guangzhou Daily reported that local police were forced to release a thief arrested for stealing a mobile phone when the victim refused to press charges because he did not want to miss the start of a match.
Although there are also many female World Cup fans in China, one man in the south-eastern city had to sign a contract with his wife agreeing to do all the housework during the month of the finals so he could watch the matches at night.
Another from Putian, Fujian province, took a less diplomatic approach, Xinhua reported.
When his cheers during the Argentina-Ivory Coast match woke his wife and she switched off the television, he locked her in their bedroom and settled back down to watch the game ignoring her loud protests.

2006-08-09T01:47:00.000-04:00

GREETING WRATHKETEERS!

WELCOME TO THE NEW HOME OF SQUIRRELYWRATH!
I NEEDED A BIT MORE SPACE TO SPEW MY WRATHY GOODNESS-AND WHICH HASN'T BEEN BLOCKED BY MOST WORK BASED INTRANETS. THE ORIGINAL MYSPACE PAGE WILL REMAIN, AND YOU CAN CATCH NEW POSTINGS ON BOTH SITES.

SPREAD THE PLAGUE!
SKWERL

SNOWY GREETINGS FELLOW WRATHKETEERS!!!

2006-08-07T06:52:00.002-04:00

Monday, February 13, 2006
Current mood: VENGEFUL

SNOWY GREETINGS FELLOW WRATHKETEERS!!!
WELL THE NORTHEAST HAS SURVIVED MOTHER NATURE'S ALL ENCOMPASSING WRATH. PROPS TO THE EARTH MOMMY. I, ON THE OTHERHAND AM LEFT SORE, COLD AND UNMOTIVATED...BUT HEY, IT'S WINTER- A SEASON KNOWN FOR IT'S SOUL CRUSHING QUALITIES.
MY NEIGHBOURS ADD TO THIS *WINTRY MORASS* BY JUST BEING NEIGHBOURS. DAY AFTER DAY I AM GREETED WITH A LOVELY VIEW OF BROKEN BIKES, LITTER AND DESPAIR. ON TRASH DAY MY NEIGBOURHOOD IS BLANKETED WITH A WIND DRIVEN SHITSTORM OF LITTER, BEER CANS AND BROKEN DREAMS. YAY!
BUT I HAVE BEGUN TO EXACT MY REVENGE! I- DEAR WRATHKETEERS- FEED SQUIRRELS. TO BE MORE PRECISE: I FEED THE SQUIRRELS THAT LIVE IN THE LOCAL TREES AND MY SLOVENLY NEIGHBOURS SOFFETS-BWAHAHAHAHAHA
MY SQUIRRELLY MINIONS ARE SURELLY GOING TO DRIVE THEM INSANE WITH THEIR UNENDING SCRATCHING AND CHATTER. NOT TO MENTION THE YEARS OF HEEBIE-JEEBIES DUE TO THE SAME UNHOLY RACKET OCCURING NIGHT AFTER NIGHT.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA- BASTARDS!!!!

DICK CHENEY: ARMED CLOD OR HERO?

2006-08-07T06:52:00.001-04:00

Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Current mood: APATHETIC

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY MY FELLOW WRATHKETEERS!!!
SNOOTY/ERUDITE QUOTE OF THE DAY: kill all the lawyers! Wm Shakespeare

TODAYS DOSE OF WRATHY GOODNESS COMES FROM ONE OF MY MOST FAVOURITE PARTS OF THE WORLD: TEXAS
FOR THE 2ND TIME IN AS MANY CENTURIES A SITTING VICE-PRESIDENT HAS SHOT SOMEBODY!
FOR THOSE OF YOU LIVING UNDER ROCKS OR LOCKED IN THE ATTIC THE VICE PRESIDENT (NO NOT AARON BURR- READ A PAPER SHUT-IN) WAS INVOLVED IN AN *ACCIDENTAL* ;-) SHOOTING. I USE *ACCIDENTAL* WITH SOME AMBIVILANCE. (sp?) THE RESULTING UPROAR FROM THE NATIONAL PRESS IS LAUGHABLE. THEY'RE ALL 'WAAAAH YOU DIDN'T TELL US RIGHT AWAY' 'YOU'RE HIDING STUFF FROM US, WAAAAH.' ALL BECAUSE THEY WERE SCOOP BY THE LOCAL PENNYSAVER. FUCKING CRYBABIES.
IT'S NOT LIKE THEY WERE SKEET SHOOTING IN THE BASEMENT OR AT A GUN RANGE...THEN I COULD SEE THE SUSPICION BEING A VALID REACTION- AND DICK WOULD HAVE SOME 'SPLAININ TO DO. THE ANIMUS AGAINST OLD DICK SEEMS VINDICTIVE, MISDIRECTED AND I JUST DON'T GET IT.
COME ON- HE DID SHOOT A LAWYER- SO FOR SOME HE HAS GAINED SOME RESPECT- POSSIBLY ADMIRATION...ESPECIALLY IF IT WAS *accidental* ;-)
I DON'T SEE OLD 'NOSEEUM' CHENEY GOING HUNTING WITH GB JUNIOR ANYTIME SOON...BUT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE A BAR ASSOCIATION HUNTING WEEKEND IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

IT'S JUST A THOUGHT

A ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER & A DREAM

2006-08-07T06:52:00.000-04:00

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Current mood: INSPIRED

I HAVE A DREAM MY FELLOW FOAMINIAN WRATHKETEERS, A DREAM LIKE NO OTHER...IT'S A VISION, REALLY:TO WANDER THE EARTH AND HIT STUPID PEOPLE IN THE HEAD WITH A ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER. ESPECIALLY WHILE THEY ARE IN THE ACT OF BEING STUPID. FOR EXAMPLE: THE JACKASS WITH 50 ITEMS AT THE SUPERMARKET'S 5 ITEMS OR LESS CHECKSTAND NEEDS A SLAP. THE GUY WHO SAYS "HOT ENOUGH FOR YA?" IN AUGUST JUST NEEDS A GOOD OLD FASHIONED BEATING.
THE URGE TO PUMMEL RANDOM JACKASSES WITH THE STYLE SECTION OF THE NY TIMES CANNOT BE REPRESSED OR IGNORED. THERE ARE FAR TOO MANY IGNORAMI RUNNING ABOUT UNCHECKED AND THEIR WANTON IDIOCY IS SPREADING. A GOOD SLAP UPSIDE THE HEAD IS USUALLY ENOUGH TO KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO MOST FOLKS.
I THINK HEAD SMACK SQUADS ARE THE WAY TO GO- IT'S THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE. IT MAY BE OUR ONLY HOPE- BUT IT WOULD DEFINITELY BE FUN!

THE TINFOIL HAT PARANOIA LIST- VOL II

2006-08-07T06:51:00.002-04:00

Sunday, February 19, 2006
Current mood: WRATHFUL

GREETING WRATHKETEERS!
I BRING YOU THE *UPDATED* TINFOIL HAT PARANOIA LIST:
TOM CRUISE & THE CRUISE SPAWN CARRYING VEHICLE, KATE
WINDOW AIR CONDITIONERS (FALLING ON ME)
OPRAH (HER FREAKISHLY LARGE HEAD & PLANS ON WORLD DOMINATION)
GETTING PUSHED INTO A GARBAGE TRUCK AND SMOOSHED
TANKER TRUCKS (KA-BOOM)
THE FORD PINTO (SAME REASON, KA-BOOM)
THE MULLET, GOTTA FEAR THE MULLET
BRITNEY SPEARS' ABILITY TO PROCREATE...WHY GOD , WHY-YOU ALREADY GAVE US ARKANSAS?
HUNTING WITH DICK CHANEY
GINGER KIDS- THEY HAVE NO SOULS
MY BASEMENT, BY THE OIL TANK- EWW CREEPY, ESPECIALLY AT NIGHT
THE CREEPY GUY WHO LIVES UP THE STREET (HE HAS A PEDO-SMILE-ICK)
PEOPLE WHO HAVE WAY TOO MUCH CUTESY SHIT IN THEIR WORKSPACE- THEY'RE HIDING SOMETHING (LIKE BODIES), NOBODY'S THAT SWEET.
LARRY KING- HIS WIFE IS LIKE 30, HE'S 90 AND HIS SUCKJOB SHOW IS STILL ON CNN- I THINK HE SOLD HIS SOUL...TO THE GINGER KIDS

AS ALWAYS- THE LIST IS UPDATED AS MY PARANOIA GROWS.
HAIL FOAMY

MY INNER REDNECK

2006-08-07T06:51:00.001-04:00

Monday, February 20, 2006
Current mood: RED-NEKKID

FOAMINIAN GREETINGS WRATHKETEERS!
THIS SUNDAY I INDULGED MY INNER REDNECK DURING INTERMITTENT BOUTS OF INSOMNIA- BY WATCHING NASCAR...SOBER
NO BEER...
NOT A DROP...
IT DIDN'T GO WELL.
AT LEAST TONY STEWART DIDN'T WIN- THERE IS A GOD.
YOU SEE MY FELLOW FOA-MINIONS, DEPITE ALL THE DEATH METAL, PASTY SKIN AND JERSEY FRESH HOSTILITY- I DO HAVE AN INNER REDNECK- AND IT MUST BE APPEASED!
SOMETIMES IT IS WITH BISCUITS AND GRAVY OR CRAPPY PISSWATER BEER (SOMETIMES DELIVERED VIA BEERBONG) HEAVENLY BARBECUED RIBS: TYPICAL REDNECK CUISINE....BUT SOMETIMES THAT JUST ISN'T ENOUGH.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA WATCH THE NASCAR ON THE MOVIN' PICHER BOX. OH WELL..AND CONGRATS JIMMIE JOHNSON FOR MAKING TONY STEWART YOUR BITCH.

A LITTLE TASTE OF ARABIA

2006-08-07T06:51:00.000-04:00

Thursday, February 23, 2006
Current mood: APOPLECTIC WITH RAGE

WRATHFUL GREETINGS MY FELLOW FOA-MINIONS:
THIS IS THE KIND OF NEWS WEEK THAT JOURNALISTS & LATE NITE TALK SHOW HOSTS HAVE WET DREAMS ABOUT..NOT ONE BUT TWO OUTRAGEOUSLY TASTY STORIES: DICK CHANEY: THE LAWYER STALKER AND THE UAE STATE OWNED COMPANY TAKING OVER OPERATIONS OVER OUR PORTS.
LET ME ABSORB THAT FOR A MOMENT.......OUTSOURCE PORT MANAGEMENT TO A COUNTRY OWNED COMPANY THAT RECOGNISES THE TALIBAN- ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?
SO, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT- THE NSA MAY BE LISTENING IN ON ALL OF MY CALLS, USING SOFTWARE TO PICK OUT POTENTIALLY TERRORIST-Y SOUNDING WORDS- WITHOUT A WARRANT- TO KEEP US SAFE....BUT WILL TURN OVER PORT OPERATIONS TO A COUNTRY WHOSE COOPERATION IN THE DAYS AFTER 9/11 WAS LESS THAN FORTHCOMING, AS WAS THEIR DEALINGS WITH SAID SUSPICIOUS INDIVIDUALS THAT ALL THIS EAVESDROPPING IS SUPPOSSED TO PROTECT US FROM.
TO MAKE IT SOUND PLAUSIBLE- THE SAME OLD MERCHANT MARINES, COAST GUARD AND LONGSHOREMEN WILL STILL PERFORM THEIR JOB AS NORMAL. WE JUST NEED TO BE MORE OPENED MINDED TO OUR FRIENDS IN THE UAE, ACCORDING TO JUNIOR.
WHAT IN THE FLYING BLUE F*CKETY HELL IS THE MESSAGE I AM SUPPOSED TO GLEAN FROM THAT PILE OF HORSESH*T? THE DEPT OF HOMELAND SECURITY MAIN PURPOSE IS TO PROFILE AND SEGREGATE THE FOLKS THAT ARE TRYING TO KILL US IN ALL SORTS OF NASTY WAYS...BUT WE NEED TO BE LESS "PREJUDICED" AND JUST TRUST ME, YEAH OK- WHATEVER. THERE ARE FEW PHRASES THAT CAN DESTROY CONFIDENCE WITH JUST A FEW SYLLABLES.
FOR EXAMPLE: THE CHECK IS IN THE MAIL
I THINK IT BROKE/GOT LOST
WE'RE SEPARATED, THE DIVORCE IS ALMOST FINISHED
YOU CAN TRUST ME
NO GOOD HAS EVER COME AFTER THESE PHRASES WERE UTTERED.
I AM A CONSERVATIVE, I DON'T HIDE IT- I WON'T APOLOGISE FOR IT...I FEEL THERE IS WAAAAY TO MUCH GOVERMENT IN OUR LIVES. THE SAME OVERINTRUSIVE GOVERNMENT IS ALSO ENCOURAGING INDUSTRY TO OUTSOURCE LUCRATIVE SECTORS AND DRAIN THE MIDDLE CLASS OF EVERY RED CENT OF HARD EARNED CASH- POTENTIALLY RESULTING IN THE SAME TYPE OF ECONOMIC NIGHTMARE OF THE LATE 1800'S YOU WERE EITHER A ROBBER BARON OR DIRT POOR...PROBABLY THE FORMER SINCE THERE WAS ONLY ROOM FOR ABOUT 10 OF THE LATTER. WHEN FELLOW CONSERVATIVES START SAYING "TRUST ME" I GET REALLY NERVOUS, AND BRACE FOR THE IMPENSING SH*TSTORM OF LIES AND RHETORIC THAT IS SURE TO FOLLOW.
IT IS SHIT LIKE THIS THAT AGITATES ME INTO A LATHER OF APOPLECTIC RAGE, FOAMINAN WRATH AND A LITTLE BIT OF INDIGESTION.
THE COMING DAYS WILL SURELY BE A TREAT FOR THE EARS.
ROCK ON-

SKWERL

TIME FOR FLUFFY BUNNIES

2006-08-07T06:50:00.002-04:00

Friday, February 24, 2006
Current mood: AWWWWWWWWWW

GREETINGS FOA-MINIONS AND WRATHKETEERS,
TODAY I TOOK A BREAK FROM ALL MY APOPLECTIC RAGE AND DISMAY FOR A CUTE BREAK. A MOMENT OF FLUFFY BUN BUN PUPPY KITTEN ZEN TO TAKE THE EDGE OFF. WHAT I DO IS HEAD OVER TO www.cuteoverload.com AND DRINK IN ALL THE FLUFFY CUDDLY GOODNESS I CAN HANDLE.
JUST LOOK AT THE BABY BUNBUN...IT'S SO CUTE AND FUZZY AND SLEEPY- I CAN HARDLY CONTAIN THE AWWWWWWWWW.
IT REALLY STOPS THE WAILING OF THE TORTURED SOUL WITHIN- I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.
JUST A THOUGHT

LETS MEET OUR NEWEST WRATHKETEER....

2006-08-07T06:50:00.001-04:00

Saturday, February 25, 2006

FOAMINAN GREETINGS FELLOW WRATHKETEERS:
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE OUR LATEST RECRUIT, CHRISTINE.
WRATHKETEER CHRISTINE IS OUR NEWEST RISING STAR, SHOWING US ALL THAT THE BEST WAY TO EXPRESS RAGE AND DISDAIN IS WITH A SMILE AND PLEASANT DEMEANOR.
SQUIRRELY WRATH: WELCOME CHRISTINE
CONGREGATION:WHOOOOOO
CHRISTINE: HI, GREAT TO BE HERE
SW: WHEN DID YOU GET THE CALLING TO BECOME A WRATHKETEER?
C: NOT LONG AFTER SERVING THE PUBLIC- I REALISED MOST PEOPLE ARE STUPID AND ANGER ME, BUT THEY DON'T KNOW THEY'RE STUPID...I NEEDED A PLACE TO HARNESS ALL THAT RAW ANGST INTO ACTION- I FOUND THAT IN THE ALMIGHTY CHURCH OF FOAMY.
CONG: YEAH F*CK THOSE BASTARDS!
SW: ALRIGHT QUIET DOWN! PLEASE DO CONTINUE.
C: WELL, YOU KNOW HOW LIKE EVERYTHING IS OUT SOURCED TO INDIA, AND THESE CUSTOMER SERVICE PERSONNEL LEARNED ENGLISH BY READING RELIEF SUPPLIES FROM UNICEF AND OLD PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS...BUT GET PISSED AT YOU WHEN YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM AND START SAYING WEIRD CURSES LIKE: "BY THE MANY ARMS OF VISHNU I TWIST MY NIPPLES IN DISDAIN"...I JUST HAD IT..IT WAS EITHER THEM OR ME- AND BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL IT SURE AS SH*T WASN'T THEIR DAY..HEEHEE THANK YOU COME AGAIN. DING!
SW: MY, THE WRATH IS STRONG IN THIS ONE...YOU, MISS ARE A BASTARD COVERED BASTARD, WITH A CREAMY EVIL CENTRE- COVERED IN A SWEET CANDY SHELL....I AM SO PROUD THAT YOU CAN JOIN US IN OUR WRATHFUL CAMPAIGN- SPREAD THE PLAGUE...
ALL: FOAMY!!!

MEETING MINUTES: 02/25/05

SO YOU WANT TO WORK MIDNIGHTS....

2006-08-07T06:50:00.000-04:00

Monday, February 27, 2006
Current mood: INSTRUCTIONAL

GREETINGS WRATHKETEERS!
AS MOST OF YOU KNOW, I WORK NIGHTS. I LOVE IT- YAY. I HAVE NOTICED AS OF LATE, MANY FOLKS ARE LOOKING TO GIVE THE DARK SIDE A TRY. CHANGING SHIFTS IS A DECISION THAT SHOULDN'T BE MADE RASHLY. THERE ARE A FEW THINGS YOU NEED TO CONSIDER BEFORE JOINING THE "GRAVEYARD SHIFT"...

1. IT'S DARK AT NIGHT, SO IF YOU HAVE SUFFER FROM XEROPHALMIA (NIGHTBLINDNESS) YOU MAY WANT TO RECONSIDER- NIGHTSHIFTERS DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR SEEING-EYE DOG. CONSIDER A DAY J0B OR A HELPER MONKEY

2. THE URGE TO NAP IS STRONG, IF YOU CAN DO IT WITHOUT GETTING FIRED- GREAT. IF NOT- ASK YOUR FELLOW NIGHTWORKERS WHERE ALL THE GOOD NAPPING PLACES ARE. DON'T BOGART THE DESIGNATED NAP AREA- WE NEED REST TOO.

3. NIGHTSHIFTERS ARE NOTORIOUSLY XENOPHOBIC.THE NIGHTSHIFTER IS WORLD RENOWNED FOR ITS PALE SKIN DUE TO LACK OF NATURAL LIGHT AND AVERSION TO OUTSIDERS. IT WILL TAKE TIME FOR THEM TO ACKNOWLEDGE AND ACCEPT YOU INTO THEIR TRIBE. DON'T BE OFFENDED- IT IS OUR WAY.

4. HAVE RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION. A SURE WAY TO GET YOURSELF ALIENATED FROM YOUR NEW COWORKERS IS TO GLOM RIDES OFF OF THEM...ESPECIALLY IN THE MORNING WHEN THEY ARE BARELY AWAKE ENOUGH TO MAKE IT TO THEIR OWN DOMICILE- NOW THEY HAVE TO LEARN WHERE YOURS IS.

5. BOREDOM IS COMMON SIDE EFFECT FOR THE NIGHTSHIFTER. IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO KEEP YOURSELF BUSY. YOUR COWORKERS ARE THERE TO WORK/SLEEP...NOT TO KEEP YOU ENTERTAINED. IF YOU'RE BORED- GET AN IMAGINARY FRIEND OR A HOBBY LIKE KNITTING. KNITTING IS THE BARBARIC PRACTICE OF USING TWO POINTED STICKS AND STRING TO FORM CLOTH. THIS CLOTH CAN BE FASHIONED INTO A SCARF, AFGHAN OR GARROTTE.

6. DRINK LOTS OF MILK. BEWARE OF THE DREADED DISEASE RICKETS- A DEFICIENCY OF VITAMIN D WHICH IS GOTTEN FROM SUNLIGHT OR COWS...RICKETS IS COMMON AMONG PEOPLE IN OUR ELITE SOCIAL CIRCLE: PIRATES, NINJAS, VAMPIRES AND NUNS. THERE IS NO ROOM IN OUR GROUP FOR BOWLEGGED HUNCHBACKS. AN ADDITIONAL SOURCE OF VITAMIN D CAN BE FOUND AT YOUR LOCAL TANNING SALON- BUT BE ADVISED ANY ATTEMPT AT A FAKE BAKE WILL BE MET WITH MOCKERY AND EVENTUAL OSTRACISATION AND BANISHMENT FROM THE TRIBE.

IF YOU FOLLOW THESE SIMPLE GUIDELINES, YOU TO CAN ESHEW THE FETTERS IMPOSED BY THE DAYWALKERS AND BECOME A CHILD OF THE NIGHT.

WRATHKETEER SPOTLIGHT ON----MY MOM!

2006-08-07T06:49:00.002-04:00

Friday, March 03, 2006
Current mood: IN AWE

FOA-MINION GREETINGS WRATHKETEERS!
TODAY I WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT MY MOM. GREAT GAL, SHE MADE ME AFTER ALL.
WELL LET'S SEE, SHE'S BLONDE, 5'2" AND HER DEMEANOUR IS THAT OF A PIT BULL NINJA PIRATE & JOHN WAYNE BRAND TOILET PAPER...YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SHE'LL STRIKE SHE IS ROUGH AS HELL AND DON'T TAKE SHIT OFF OF ANYONE. SHE LIKES NEIL DIAMOND, IS REALLY A SILLY BLONDE AND IS FROM GERMANY. DID I MENTION SHE'S A BLONDE...YOU KNOW BLLLLLLOOOOOOOONNNNNNNDDDDE.
I LIKE MY MOM- SHE'S KINDA KEWL. IF I WAS NOT RELATED TO HER- I WOULD HANG OUT WITH HER...I WOULD NEVER LET HER WRITE OR PROOFREAD FOR ME. HER WRITING SKILLS ARE HORRIFYINGLY BAD, AS IS HER GRAMMAR, SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION.
GRANTED, ENGLISH IS NOT HER NATIVE TONGUE- BUT SHE CAME HERE WHEN SHE WAS 9. I THINK THAT IS PLENTY OF TIME TO GET RIGHT WITH MR. SENTENCE STRUCTURE AND MRS. SPELLING.
RECENTLY, A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY DIED- MY MOM (BLESS HER) TOOK UP HER KEYBOARD AND WROTE THE FAMILY A SYMPHONY NOTE(YES YOU READ THAT RIGHT.) EVERY LAST SENTENCE IS SEARED INTO MY BRAIN WITH SOME OF THE SCARIEST GRAMMAR I HAVE EVER SEEN THIS SIDE OF THE THIRD GRADE. MY MOM WRITES LIKE AN ESL STUDENT. ("IN AMERICA, THE STREETS ARE BEING PAV-ED WITH GOLDEN. I AM LIKING THAT VERY MUCH") YOU SEE FELLOW FOAMINIONS MOM HAS MASTERED MS WORD, BUT DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THAT IF IT IS SPELLED CORRECTLY IT WILL STILL BE GRAMMATICALLY WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! AND NONSENSICAL- HENCE THE NEED FOR PROOFREADING BY ANOTHER PERSON AND NOT THAT F*CKING PAPERCLIP THINGY...
...(SHUDDER) WHICH SHE DID- AND NOT BY ME. WHAT I REPEATEDLY FORGET TO REALISE IS THAT HER CADRE OF COHORTS ARE SIMILARLY GRAMMATICALLY INEPT ESL STUDENT-LIKE WRITERS OR EPILEPTIC MONKEYS. I BELIEVE THEIR REMARKS ON HER "PROSE" WERE- DUDE, THAT'S AWESOME- YOU SHOULD SEND THAT...SO SHE DID, ALL 6 SENTENCES. YES WRATHKETEERS- IF I'M LYING, I'M DYING.
WELL, SHE DID SPELL HER NAME RIGHT- SO WE GOT THAT GOING FOR US. YOU GET 200 POINTS ON THE SAT IF YOU DO THAT. I JUST WON'T LET HER NEAR A COMMUNICATIONS INPUT MEDIUM ANYTIME SOON- I PROMISE.

SW

2006-08-07T06:49:00.001-04:00

THE OSCARS ARE COMING....DO YOU CARE?
Current mood: KINDA WRATHFUL

YES WRATHKETEERS, THE OSCARS ARE COMING SOON!!!!
ARE YOU READY? DO YOU CARE? IF YOU ARE A LOYAL FOA-MINION & WRATHKETEER- YOU DON'T GIVE A FLYING RATS ASS.
SO WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH ALL THE "OSCAR BUZZ"? WHY IS THIS ON THE NEWS EVERY F*CKING NIGHT? PEOPLE THERE IS A WAR ON (CHOOSE ONE)TERROR/DRUGS/ILLTERACY GOING ON OUT THERE. WHEN IN THE F*CK DID "WHAT WILL TANOREXIA T. FAKETITS WEAR AT THE OCSARS." BECOME SO IMPORTANT? WHY IS THIS PARADE OF HUMAN DRECK NOW THE CENTRE OF ALL THE UNIVERSE? I MUST HAVE BEEN NAPPING OR UNDER A ROCK. I AM THE CENTRE OF MY UNIVERSE. MY ANGRY SLICE OF FOAMINIAN HEAVEN WILL NOT BE TAINTED BY THE YEARLY CAVALCADE OF THE ANOREXIC, SURGICALLY ALTERED, GENETICALLY INFERIOR, TASTELESS, HALF NAKED, HALF WITTED, FAKE BAKED, DRUG ADDLED SELF CENTRED NARCISSISTIC BASTARDS! NO SIR! THEY CAN ALL KISS MY SHINY METAL ASS, AND MY DOG'S ASS TOO (I JUST GAVE HIM A BEAN BURRITO-BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.)
GRANTED, WE HAVE BECOME MORE MEDIA ORIENTED, AND ARE INUNDATED DAILY WITH THE FINEST BULLSHIT HOLLYWEIRD HAS TO OFFER. I UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT IT SINCE THERE IS VERYY LITTLE I CAN DO TO CHANGE IT. OTHER THAN THE CHANNEL- WHICH I DO EVER SINGLE TIME I SEE FREAKISH SURGICAL TRAINWRECK JOAN RIVERS AND HER NO-TALENT SPAWN MELISSA. MY BOWELS CLENCH WHENEVER I HEAR HER NASALLY CRONE WAIL BORE INTO MY SKULL "OH MUY GAWD- CAAAN WE TAAWK?" THEN I HEAR THE SPAWN CHIME IN ALONG IN THEIR LONG ISLAND-Y BANSHEE SHREIK "OH MUY GAWD- SHE LOOOOKS GAWWWWGUSSS!"...IT CLAWS AT THE BRAIN, AND GNAWS AT THE EARS. IT IS QUITE UNSETTLING.
HOWEVER, DO YOU KNOW WHO IS TO BLAME FOR ALL THIS.....CRAP? THE E! CHANNEL ILLUMINATI THATS WHO- F*CKING BASTARDS. THOSE SHARK-SUIT WEARING, LIFE DRAINING BABY SEAL CLUBBING INCUBI ARE TRYING TO FORCE FEED THE VIEWING PUBLIC THIS BULLSHIT. THEY ARE VERY MUCH IN CAHUTZ WITH THE FASHION INDUSTRY AND ANYOTHER GROUP WITH A COUNTER AGENDA AS WELL. THIS SHIT GETS CRAMMED DOWN OUR THROATS DAY IN AND DAY OUT.
HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK 'BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN' WOULD DO IF THE SCRIPTWRITER FOR BROKEBACK CHANGED THE CHARACTERS TO HETERO'S? IT WOULDN'T MAKE A DIME- BECAUSE LIFETIME, OXYGEN AND THE LOVE CHANNEL SHOW THAT KIND OF FLUFF EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!!!
I CALL UPON YOU TO JOIN ME, FELLOW FOA-MINIONS: GET UP, RAISE YOUR MIDDLE FINGERS AND SHOUT "FUCK YOU OSCAR- NOBODY F*CKING CARES YOU ASSHOLES"

THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE TELEVISED, WRATHKETEERS- BUT THE OSCARS WILL BE!
SW

BEST LINES I HAVE HEARD THIS MONTH

2006-08-07T06:49:00.000-04:00

Saturday, March 04, 2006

THIS IS A COLLECTION OF THE BEST LINES I HAVE HEARD WITHIN THE LAST MONTH: (ADULT LANGUAGE, NOT LIKE THAT IS A SHOCK)
YOU SMELL SO GOOD, I WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF.
SEND LAWYERS, GUNS AND MONEY.
IT'S SUPER EMO-PUNK-DEATH METAL!
IT'S CRAPTASTIC!
WELL I DON'T TRUST THE GORTON'S FISHERMAN- ESPECIALLY WHEN HE'S OUT TO SEA.
BAKED IN THE FILTHY HEAT OF SATAN'S ASSHOLE
MY MOUTH WAS COVERED IN A GLISTENING SHEEN OF SADNESS
HEY LOOK- IT'S CAPTAIN ASSF*CK AND THE REACHAROUNDS
HIM: YOU HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BLUE EYES.....HER: THEY'RE GREEN JACKASS

BIKE HELMETS, BAND-AIDS & BACTINE

2006-08-07T06:48:00.002-04:00

Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Current mood: WISTFULL

WRATHFULL GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS FOAMINIONS!
SPRING IS SOON TO FALL UPON US, AS IS THE IMPENDING WAVE OF HALF-WITTED CHILDREN AND THEIR HYPER-PROTECTIVE PARENTS READY TO EMBRACE MOTHER NATURE...AND SANITIZE HER FOR THEIR PROTECTION.
WHEN I WAS A KID THE COMING OF SPRING HERALDED THE RETURN OF WARM AIR, TREE CLIMBING, BIKE RIDING AND THE ANNUAL RESTOCKING OF THE FIRST AID KIT. I CAN STILL RECALL THE PLASTICY BAND AID SMELL, THE STING AND FIZZ OF BACTINE...THE MERCUROCHROME BUNNIES MOM WOULD DRAW ON MY ASSORTED BOOBOOS & OWIES. GOOD TIMES.
LIKE ALL GOOD THINGS, THEY COME TO AN UNPLEASANT AND WIMPERING END. TODAYS CHILDREN ARE CREEPY, ISOLATED GAMERS. THEIR PASTY COUNTENANCE IS OBSCURED BY A FRINGE OF EMO PUNK WANNABE HAIR. IF ONE DOES VENTURE INTO THE OUTSIDE WORLD THEY ARE SHRINK WRAPPED, SLATHERED IN ANTIBACTERIAL GEL AND COVERED IN MORE PADDING & EQUIPMENT THAN A LINE BACKER FOR THE GIANTS. THESE CHILDREN WILL NEVER KNOW THE TINGLY AGONY THAT IS A SCRAPED KNEE, THE ECSTACY OF THE FIVE SECOND RULE TWINKIE- THE JOY OF GETTING DIRTIER THAN A COAL MINER. THESE SAME SANITARY CHILDREN HAVE NO NATURAL IMMUNITY, AND GET SICK CONSTANTLY. TRULY A SAD COMMENTARY OF THE TIMES.
WE DIDN'T HAVE BIKE HELMETS, WE HAD TUCK AND ROLL. WE HAD BLOOD AND GLORY FROM JUMPING OUR BIKES OVER ANYTHING STATIONARY. WE FELL FROM TREES, PORCHES, STAIRS AND OVER OUR OWN FEET. WE WOULD PLAY UNTIL THE STREET LIGHTS CAME ON, CAME HOME WHEN WE WERE THICKLY ENCRUSTED WITH ALL MANNERS OF FILTH- AND WERE HOSED DOWN LIKE CIVIL RIGHTS PROTESTERS BEFORE BEING ALLOWED INTO THE HOUSE- AFTER ALL THAT WE HAD THE SLEEP OF THE RIGHTEOUS AND DID IT AGAIN THE NEXT DAY. WE BUILT TREE FORTS, HAD SECRET CLUBS...PET FUNERALS AND THE ICE CREAM MAN. WE KNEW NO FEAR...EXCEPT COOTIES. THOSE WERE THE DAYS MY WRATHFUL FRIENDS!
WHEN I WAS A CHEERLEADER IN HIGH SCHOOL (I KNOW- SHOCKING.) WE HAD A CHEER "KNOCK 'EM DOWN, ROLL 'EM ROUND- A LITTLE DIRT WON'T HURT!" THESE ARE WISE WORDS TO LIVE BY. IF YOU HAVE OR ARE PLANNING TO HAVE KIDS- TURN OFF THE GAME SYSTEM & TV- LET 'EM OUT, GET GOOD AND DIRTY- LET THEM BE KIDS IN ALL THEIR FILTHY GLORY...THEY WILL THANK YOU FOR IT.
SW

RETARDED HOOKERS

2006-08-07T06:48:00.001-04:00

Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Current mood: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

WRATHFUL AND BELATED GREETINGS TO ALL (HAPPY B-DAY MRS. C & MRS. M!)
THE LATENESS IN MY CURRENT POST WAS DUE TO A ROUTE CANAL LAST FRIDAY- WHICH CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS LIFE CHANGING! HUZZAH, KUDOS & UNENDING THANKS TO YOU DR. JOEL AND THE KIND FOLKS AT dUPONT- THE (former)MAKERS OF PERCOSET!
ALL THAT PLEASANTNESS ASIDE, THE TOPICS OF CHAT AT WORK USUALLY REVOLVE AROUND THE SAME OLD THINGS: STUPID CUSTOMERS, CRAPPY PAY, NO BENEFITS, THE GLORIOUS LACK OF LIGHT... WHITE CASTLE VERSUS TACO BELL...YOU KNOW, WEIGHTY ISSUES.
LAST NIGHT THE TOPIC TURNED TO THE WORLDS OLDEST PROFESSION, AND THE DEVELOPMENTALLY CHALLENGED- PARTICULARLY DEVELOPMENTALLY CHALLENGED HOOKERS...THEIR PIMPS (DOES HE USE THOSE FUNKY HAND CRUTCHES OR SPINNERS ON HIS WHEELCHAIR-IN PIMPADELIC GOLD PLATE), THEIR PIMPS' RIDES (LITTLE BUS, PURPLE SHAG INTERIOR, FUZZY DICE- GOLD CROWN VANILLAROMA AIR FRESHENER- TRULY THE SHIZZ)
OH YEAH- I'M PROBABLY GONNA BURN IN HELL FOR THAT....

IF YOU'RE LAUGHING AT THIS...YOU'RE GONNA BURN ALONG WITH ME
BWAHAHAHAHA

PEOPLE WHO NEED A VIOLENT BEATING- VOL 1

2006-08-07T06:48:00.000-04:00

Friday, March 17, 2006
Current mood: BALLED UP FIST OF RAGE

ERIN GO WRATHFUL FOAMINIONS!
AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, THE WRATHKETEER SECT OF THE ALMIGHTY CHURCH OF FOAMY WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE A NEW EPISODIC FEATURE TO THE BLOG CALLED "PEOPLE WHO NEED A VIOLENT BEATING"
TODAY'S PROSPECT: PEOPLE WHO BUY FUR COATS FOR DOGS.
I WAS WATCHING THE TODAY SHOW A FEW DAYS AGO AT MY MOM'S AND I SAW THAT CINDY ADAMS THE GOSSIP COLUMNIST AND HER CUTE LITTLE YORKIES. THEY SEEM LIKE HAPPY, PAMPERED PUPS...AS A DOG OWNER I'M DOWN WITH THAT. MACK, MY RESCUED 87 LB AMERICAN BULLDOG IS A LITTLE SPOILED...BUT HE'S WELL BEHAVED AND NEVER SHITS IN THE HOUSE. HE'S GOT SO MANY SQUEAKY PLUSH TOYS THAT HE HAS A TOX BOX TO KEEP THEM IN, A FEW BANDANNAS, A SWEET STUDDED COLLAR THAT MATCHES MY BIKE JACKET, BOOTS AND PURSE...AND A NICE BLUE SWEATER. I DON'T DRESS UP MACK LIKE SOME DRAG QUEEN, AND I DON'T LOOK DOWN ON ANYONE WHO DOES. THESE FOLKS ARE USUALLY REALLY GOOD OWNERS AND ARE KIND TO ANIMALS....
....BUT THERE ARE LIMITS. WHEN YOUR DOGS COLLAR COSTS MORE THAN THE YEARLY OPERATING BUDGET OF A NO-KILL SHELTER OR THE GNP OF ITSFUCKINHOT-ISTAN, YOU NEED TO EXAMINE YOUR PRIORITIES.
BUT I DIGRESS...BACK TO THE CINDY ADAMS...HER DOGS HAVE BETTER CLOTHING AND JEWELRY WARDROBES THAN ANY NY SOCIALITE- AND COST JUST AS MUCH. HOWEVER THAT ISN'T WHAT DROVE ME FROM MY MOM'S IN A FIT OF APOPLECTIC RAGE- GET THIS: HER DOGS HAVE FUR COATS, MINK BY THE LOOKS OF IT.
LET'S GIVE THAT A SECOND TO SINK IN..............HER DOGS WEAR FUR COATS.....
.......ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME? I'M NO VETERINARIAN, ZOOLOGIST OR FARMER, BUT DON'T DOGS GROW THEIR OWN FUR...IN COAT FORM? WHAT WAS THE PROGRESSION OF THOUGHT THAT CULMINATED IN "I THINK THE DOGS NEED CUSTOM MADE FUR COATS" OR "HEY I'VE GOT A COUPLE GRAND LOOKING FOR A HOME, SHOULD I DONATE IT TO THE ASPCA SO SOME CAT OR DOG DOESN'T GET EUTHANISED....NAH - LET'S GET MATCHING MINKS FOR THE DOGS."
HERE'S TO YOU MS. ADAMS...THE FIRST INDUCTEE TO "PEOPLE WHO NEED A VIOLENT BEATING" SOCIETY! I HOPE YOU GET THE ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER.

SW
BTW: MILLIONS OF NICE CATS & DOGS ARE FACING EUTHANASIA RIGHT NOW & NEED GOOD HOMES LIKE YOURS...ADOPT A FURRY FRIEND TODAY!!!!!

SO...I DRESS LIKE A HOBO- F*CK YOU

2006-08-07T06:47:00.003-04:00

Saturday, March 18, 2006
Current mood: DROWNING IN A SEA OF STUPID

SOBER, CRANKY GREETINGS FOAMINIONS!!!
AND A WHAT'S SHAKIN' BACON TO OUR NEWEST CONVERT :RANDOM STRANGER"!
I AM NOT A HIGH MAINTENANCE WOMAN, I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, BUT IT IS NICE TO GET SPOILED OCCASIONALLY, ESPECIALLY WITH NICE PERFUME OR A NIGHT OUT WITH MR. RIGHT NOW. I'M NOT TOO GIRLY, BUT I AM STILL FEMININE DESPITE MY EXTREMELY CASUAL DRESS. OK, NOT CASUAL- MORE LIKE 14 YEAR OLD MISFITS FAN/80'S PUNK (CUZ THAT'S WHEN PUNK WAS PUNK- NOT THIS EMO/GRINDCORE/PUDF*CKING "ASSHOLE, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CLOSET" SELF MUTILATING 17 YR OLD WANNABE POET SHIT.) COCKSUCKERS, EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM. ANYWHOOO, THE POINT IS I LIKE TO DRESS NOT TO IMPRESS- BUT MORE TO INSPIRE BITTERNESS AND MAYBE FEAR- IF NOT, LET OTHERS THINK I'M A DISAFFECTED COLLEGE STUDENT AND THEY CAN GIVE ME MONEY. PANHANDLING: IT'S THE AMERICAN WAY.
FOR EXAMPLE: WHEN I WENT TO DISNEY 3 YEARS AGO, MY LUGGAGE WAS AS FOLLOWS: 1 PAIR OF DRESSY BOOTS, PAIR OF FAVOURITE SNEAKERS, ANGRY SANDALS, SMALL COSMETIC BAG FOR PERSONAL ITEMS & MAKEUP, MEDIUM DUFFEL BAG OF CLOTHES THAT FIT EVERYTHING PREVIOUSLY NOTED(MOST OF THE CLOTHES WERE CLEAN, BUT OUR RESORT HAD LAUNDRY SERVICE, SO IT DIDN'T MATTER) AND AN EMPTY TOTEBAG FOR THE INEVITALBLE PILE OF CRAP I WAS TO BUY THERE. SIMPLE, ONE BAG, JUST THE ESSENTIALS. I HAD GOING OUT STUFF, SWIM STUFF, AND REGULAR CLOTHES.
MY TRAVELLING COMPANIONS HOWEVER BROUGHT THEIR PAST AND CURRENT LIVES WITH THEM. ONE OF THE GUYS HAD 3 CHANGES OF CLOTHES PER DAY...WTF?????? THEY SPENT WEEKS ON PLANNING WHAT TO BRING, IN ADDITION TO BUYING MORE CRAP PLUS LUGGAGE TO PUT IT IN. I PACKED 30 MIN BEFORE I LEFT THE HOUSE, HAD EVERYTHING I NEEDED AND DIDN'T HAVE TO HIT THE CONVEINIENCE STORE FOR ANYTHING EXCEPT HAIR CONDITIONER (I DON'T PACK ANYTHING THAT REMOTELY LOOKS LIKE MALE EMMISSIONS IN MY LUGGAGE- THAT WILL BE THE BOTTLE THAT EXPLODES.)
WITH ALL THEIR "PLANNING" THEY STILL CAME TO ME TO BORROW STUFF- ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? SHERPAS SCALING MT EVEREST PACK LIGHTER THEN MY FRIENDS DID.
MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE MOST OF MY TRAVELS WERE MORE SPONTANEOUS IN NATURE, MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I LIVE IN JEANS, LONG SLEEVE T-SHIRTS (OFTEN WITH PUNK/BIKER/SKULL LOGOS) AND MY UBIQUITOUS BLACK CHUCK TAYLOR'S. I DON'T LIKE LUGGING LOTS OF SHIT AROUND- I'M NOT A BELLHOP, MOTHERF*CKER...I TIP THEM.
SW

WOMEN ARE NUTS-REALLY!

2006-08-07T06:47:00.002-04:00

Monday, March 20, 2006
Current mood: I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME BITCH

WRATHFUL GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS!
TODAY MY CAUSTIC TIRADE IS FOCUSED ON FELLOW MEMBERS OF MY SEX...WOMEN.
YOU SEE- WE'RE NUTS....EVERY LAST ONE OF US IS A NUTTER...I SHIT YOU NOT, PUPPY KICKING CRAZY.
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WOMEN HAVE THESE UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF MEN. WE WANT A CARING, INTUITIVE, THOUGHTFUL, EMPLOYED MAN WHO JUST LIKES TO CUDDLE, IS GOOD WITH THE KIDS, DOES DISHES, CAN COOK, CLEAN AND GIVE US PEDICURES AND MASSAGES...OH, AND GO SHOE SHOPPING WITH US. IF THAT ISN'T ENOUGH HE MUST HAVE GOOD FASHION SENSE, NEVER EVEN LOOK AT 18 YR OLD CHEERLEADERS, LISTEN ATTENTIVELY TO ALL OUR MINDLESS OPRAH FUELED DRIVEL, BUY US SPARKLY THINGS, AND LIKE TO GO ON ROMANTIC BED & BREAKFAST WEEKENDS WITH NO SEX.
GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!
IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT, RENT YOURSELF A GAY GUY...A REALLY REALLY GAY GUY. HE'LL DO ALL THAT WITH YOU AND CRY WITH YOU DURING STEEL MAGNOLIAS-AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TAKE OFF YOUR SOCKS- LET ALONE HAVE NAKED TIME.
LET ME BREAK IT DOWN FOR THE LADIES IN FOAMINIA:MEN ARE NOT WOMEN. THEY LIKE DIFFERENT THINGS, HAVE DIFFERENT NEEDS AND BODY PARTS.
AND BY THE WAY- GAY STRAIGHT OR BI:ALL MEN RESPOND TO THE SAME PRIMAL STIMULI: FEED 'EM, FUCK 'EM, FUN 'EM...PUT 'EM TO BED. THAT'S IT. THERE IS NO MAGIC IN UNDERSTANDING THEM. MEN LIKE TO FIX THINGS, SITUATIONS AND PEOPLE, GENERALLY PREFER SIMPLE TO COMPLEX- LIKE TO BE ENTERTAINED AND NEED PROPER REST AND FEEDING.
THAT IS MY WRATHFUL WISDOM FOR TODAY KIDS- CHEW ON THAT!

SW

LET ME BEAT YOUR KIDS FOR 55 BUCKS.COM

2006-08-07T06:47:00.001-04:00

april 15, 2006
Current mood: THE WHEELS OF INNOVATION ARE TURNING!

FISCAL GREETINGS WRATHKETEERS!
IT'S TAX TIME AGAIN, AND ONCE MORE I AM CONFRONTED WITH THE DISMAL FISCAL OUTLOOK THAT WAS 2005. MY NO-FAIL "WIN THE LOTTO TO PAY MY STUDENT LOAN PLAN" WAS A FAILURE. SO NOW I AM FORCED TO ENGINEER NEW WAYS OF GETTING MY HANDS ON SOME DEAD PRESIDENTS.
THEN LAST NIGHT IT CAME TO ME...PARENTS DON'T WANT TO DISCIPLINE THEIR UNRULY SPAWN, BECAUSE THEY FEAR THE CHILD WILL HATE THEM AND PUT THEM IN ONE OF THOSE REST HOMES SHOWN ON DATELINE NBC, WHEN THE TIME COMES. THAT'S A REASONABLE FEAR- THAT'S HOW I KEPT MY MOM IN LINE.
ANYWHOO- THIS IS MY PLAN TO ATTAIN FINANCIAL FREEDOM: PARENTS PAY ME TO BEAT THEIR KIDS- $55 BUCKS AN HOUR. I FIGURED SCHFIFTY-FIVE WAS A COOL NUMBER AND AN HOUR SEEMED PLENTY OF TIME FOR A DECENT ASS-WHOOPIN'.
NOW PARENTS CAN RELAX IN REGARDS TO THEIR RETIREMENT PLANS, AND STILL RAISE FUNCTIONAL, PRODUCTIVE MEMBERS OF SOCIETY- WITHOUT GETTING THEIR HANDS DIRTY.
GOT A PROBLEM CHILD- NO PROBLEM...LET ME BEAT YOUR KIDS FOR 55 BUCKS...PROBLEM SOLVED!!!
SPARE THE ROD, RUIN MY RETIREMENT!

SW

WANNA BE A SAINT?

2006-08-07T06:47:00.000-04:00

Friday, March 24, 2006
Current mood: BEING THE CURE FOR HOPE

CALLING ALL WRATHKETEERS!!!!
I AM NOW TAKING APPLICATIONS FOR SAINTHOOD FOR THE WRATHKETEERIAN SECT OF THE ALMIGHTY CHURCH OF FOAMY!

DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A WRATHKETEERIAN PATRON SAINT?

EX: SAINT ROSE, THE BLOOOOONNNDDDDDE (MY MOM)
SAINT SIDEKICK, THE SEEKER OF THE "JUSTIN"
AND YOURS TRULY SAINT SHANNON, QUEEN OF THE DAMNED, CURER OF HOPE- REGENT RULER OF FOAMINIA.

WORLD'S WORST COCKTAILS

2006-08-07T06:46:00.001-04:00

Current mood: NAUSEOUS

WORST...BLOODY MARY...EVER: 6OZ CAN OF V8, 2 JIGGERS OF NYQUIL. SERVE NEAR RESTROOM OR BUCKET

JACKSON 5: JAGERMEISTER, JACK, JOHNNY WALKER, JOSE CUERVO, JIM BEAM- PUT IN GLASS, DO NOT SMELL.

CHEAP SCREW: 8 OZ ORANGE JUICE, 2 OZ RUBBING ALCOHOL..CAUTION- MAY CAUSE BLINDNESS.

CHEERS!!!

2006-08-07T06:46:00.000-04:00

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

THE FOAMINIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM
Current mood: SWELLING WITH FOAMINAIN PRIDE

OH, FOAMINIA
OUR HOME AND WRATHFUL LAND
TRUE SQUIRRELLY WRATH IS FOR WHAT WE STAND

WE LIKE CREAMY CHEESE
ON OUR BAGLES
WITH A LARGE COFFEE

OH FOAMINIA
MASTER THE ZEN OF ANGER, WRATH FULLY

(TO THE TUNE OF OH, CANADA)

2006-08-07T06:45:00.001-04:00

Friday, March 31, 2006

LITTLE BLUE PILLS
Current mood: GRATEFUL

HIDELEY-HO WRATHKERINOS! VERNAL GREETINGS TO YOU ALL.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, I SUFFER FROM SEVERE MIGRAINES....OR AS A COWORKER OF MINE SAYS "THE SUPPRESSED ANGER ATTEMPTING ESCAPE THRU YOUR SKULL."

MY DOCTOR & I HAVE SPENT A FEW MONTHS GETTING TO THE SOURCE OF MY CRANIAL MALADY....BTW: HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE & ANXIETY MAKE A MARRIAGE MADE IN HELL. TOGETHER DR. AVI & I GOT THE BP & ANXIETY UNDER CONTROL WITH ATENOLOL & SOME MAGICAL LITTLE BLUE PILLS (ZOLOFT)....I FEEL *PHARMACEUTICALLY AWESOME*.
THE URGE TO STRANGLE OR MAIM OTHERS HAS LESSENED, AND I HAVE NOTED A SIGNIFICANT INCREASE IN SARCASM AND SASS MOUTH, AND I'M THIRSTY.

I FEEL ENERGIZED AND HAVE GOTTEN OFF OF MY FAT ASS IN ORDER TO DEBIGAFY IT WITH GREAT RESULTS. MY UNDERWEAR IS NO LONGER ENTRENCHED IN BOX CANYON, AND MY ASS DOESN'T FALL OUT OF MY JEANS--YAY FOR ME. I STARTED THEIS BLOG TO EXPRESS MY APOPLECTIC RAGE, STARTED THE CULT TO MEET OTHER LIKE MINDED BUDDING SOCIOPATHS AND PLANS TO CONQUER CENTRAL NEW JERSEY FROM WHICH A BOLD NEW SOCIETY SHALL SPRING- I CALL IT FOAMINIA.

YEAH, A WHOLE NEW DIMENSION OF WRATHFUL SARCASM HAS ENVELOPED MY WORLD, ALL THANKS TO YOU LITTLE BLUE PILL. JOIN ME IS SAYING HERE'S TO YOU, ZOLOFT- THE LITTLE BLUE PILL THAT HELPS ME SAY "FUCK IT"

2006-08-07T06:45:00.000-04:00

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

UNDENIABLE TRUTHS!!! PART ONE
Current mood: NEGATIVITY APLENTY

(as a public service to the Wrathketeerian Community)

SQUIRRELLY WRATH PRESENTS.....(tadaaaah)
UNDENIALBLE TRUTHS ABOUT: MEN

1. IF IT'S GOT BALLS OR BEARINGS- THERE'S BOUND TO BE HEARTACHE
2. JUST BECAUSE THEY SAY THEY CARE- DOESN'T MEAN THEY DO
3. OUT OF SITE REALLY IS OUT OF MIND
4. YOU WILL ONLY BE TREATED AS WELL AS HIS EX TREATED HIM
5. THEY ARE EX'S FOR A REASON
6. IF IT STANDS TO PISS & DRIVES A MUSTANG, IT PROBABLY HAS SOMETHING OF MINE I WANT BACK BADLY
7. FULL FRONTAL NUDITY OR A BLOWJOB IS A SURE FIRE WAY TO GET HIS ATTENTION- ALBEIT BRIEFLY
8. ALWAYS HAVE A COOLER/FASTER CAR THAN HIM
9. KNOW HOW TO CHANGE YOUR OWN DAMN TIRE- THE FLAT WILL ALWAYS HAPPEN WHEN HE'S TOO BUSY
10. AN OFFER TO BEAT UP SOMEBODY FOR YOU IS SWEET- BUT NOT, I REPEAT- NOT AN INFERENCE THAT HE DOES OR WILL EVER CARE ABOUT YOU.
11. YEAH, HE'S STARING AT YOUR TITS
12. NO, HE'S NOT LISTENING
13. OPRAH IS THE LAST PERSON YOU SHOULD GET RELATIONSHIP ADVICE FROM
14. IF HE MISSES YOUR BIRTHDAY, BUT YOU DIDN'T MISS HIS- DROP HIM LIKE HE IS COVERED IN SNOT- HE'S A SELFISH BASTARD
15. DESPITE ALL THIS YOU WILL STILL MISS HIM- EVEN THOUGH HE'S AN ASSHOLE...TREAD WITH CAUTION
16. SEX DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE, IT DOES EQUAL MESSED UP HAIR/BED, HIM SNORING- LOUDLY AND POSSIBLY COOKING AFTERWARD

2006-08-07T06:44:00.002-04:00

Friday, April 14, 2006

THIS IS CNN- IN NEED OF VIOLENT BEATING: VOL 2
Current mood: SHAKING HEAD IN DISBELIEF

NEWSWORTHY GREETINGS WRATHKETEERIANS!
AT MY JOB, WE HAVE TELEVISIONS TUNED TO THE ILLUSTRIOUS CNN...24 HRS A DAY...7 F*CKING DAYS A WEEK. I DO MY BEST TO DROWN IT OUT, REALLY I DO. THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT LARRY KING THAT BURNS MY ASS. MAYBE ITS THE NASALLY-GRAVELY TIMBRE OF HIS VOICE, OR THE FREAKISHLY YOUNG AND ATTRACTIVE WIFE & MOTHER OF HIS TWO YOUNG BOYS...THE WIFE IS YOUNGER THAN HIS FIRST SET OF KIDS- OR THE FACT HE IS A TOOL OF THE DEVIL. I DON'T KNOW.
THERE IS ONE THING I KNOW FOR SURE: CNN HAS GOT TO BE THE DUMBEST NEWS AGENCY EVER. I HAVE HEARD SOME OF THE STUPIDEST THINGS THIS SIDE OF A 13 YR OLD GIRLS SLUMBER PARTY ON CNN. FOR EXAMPLE: HURRICANE KATRINA, ANDERSON COOPER ACTUALLY ANSWERED THIS "QUESTION" WITH A STRAIGHT FACE: IF THE LIGHTS GO OUT, WILL IT BE DARK? HIS RESPONSE WAS: YES, VERY DARK. UM, OKAY- BUT THERE IS MORE!!!
ANOTHER FINE EXAMPLE OF THE SCINTILLATING WEATHER COMMENTARY, DURING HURRICANE RITA: IT'S REALLY RAINING, I AM GETTING VERY WET, AND THE WIND IS STRONG....NO SHIT, REALLY?
THE LAST STRAW WAS PERPETRATED BY LOU DOBBS- A NEWSMAN OF GREAT EXPERIENCE- THE ONLY THING THAT KEPT CNN A STEP ABOVE JR HIGHLIGHTS IN CONTENT- HE ADDRESSED THE *NEW* PHENOMENAE OF CHAOS IN IRAQ...I SHIT YOU NOT.
THIS JUST IN: FIRE IS HOT, WATER IS WET...AND WE HAVE BEEN IN IRAQ FOR QUITE SOME TIME DOBBSIE.
SO HERE'S TO YOU CNN: THE SHORT BUS RIDING, WINDOWLICKING, HELMET WEARING SPECIAL ED CLASS OF JOURNALISM!

SW

2006-08-07T06:44:00.001-04:00

Monday, April 24, 2006

BEST...SIMPSON CHARACTER...EVER
Current mood: REVERENCE

RAINY GREETINGS WRATHKERINO'S!
AS A ADOLESCENT IN THE LATE 80'S, I CAME INTO ADULTHOOD WITH THE THE BELOVED SIMPSON CLAN. EVERYONE HAS THEIR FAVOURITES. MY MOM IS PARTIAL TO PATTY & SELMA, MY AUNT LIKES MR. BURNS...TIM AT WORK LIKES SCORPIO THE SUPERVILLAN.
I ADORE RALPHIE WIGGAM THE LOVABLE AND PASTE EATING HALFWIT. I REJOICE IN EACH OF HIS WITTICISMS LIKE:
I'M A ROCK.
SLEEP, THATS WHERE I GET TO BE A VIKING.
I WANT TO GO TO BOVINE UNIVERSITY.
ME FAIL ENGLISH, THATS UN-POSSIBLE
YOUR BREATH SMELLS LIKE DEAD BUNNIES
IT TASTES LIKE BURNING.
HERE'S TO YOU RALPHIE! THE BEST... SIMPSONS CHARACTER....EVER!

2006-08-07T06:44:00.000-04:00

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

THINGS THAT ANNOY THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF ME: PART 1
Current mood: ANNOYED

GREETINGS WRATHKETEERS
FOR TODAY'S RANT I'D LIKE TO FOCUS ON SHIT THAT ANNOYS THE HELL OUT OF ME...LET US BEGIN...

CUSTOMERS...NAMELY ANGRY OR PSYCHOTIC ONES- WHEN YOU YELL I LAUGH INSIDE KNOWING YOU'LL NEVER GET HELP.

PEOPLE WHO DON'T PICK UP AFTER THEIR DOGS/CHILDREN/SPOUSES.

MTV: WHY CALL IT MTV, WHY NOT CALL IT CRAPPY PROGRAMMING FOR RETARDS

THE FAKE CHURCH ACROSS THE STREET: YOU KNOW IT'S A TAX DODGE

MY NEIGHBOURS: DUDE- PICK UP YOUR F*CKING GARBAGE & PUT IT OUT ON WEDNESDAY MORNING...I'M SICK OF STARING AT IT. OH & TELL THE BOY TO STFU- I SLEEP DURING THE DAY

MY MECHANIC: ON MONSTER GARAGE 4 MECHANICS, A ROLL OF DUCT TAPE & A BEDAZZLER BECOMES A VEHICULAR CONVEYANCE...I JUST NEED A NEW TRANSMISSION. IT'S BEEN 5 MONTHS- I WANT MY FUCKING CAR!

CELEBRITY GOSSIP NEWS, REALITY TV & THEIR PRODUCERS: GO DIRECTLY TO HELL- DO NOT PASS GO & OH YEAH KISS MY ASS.

PEOPLE WHO HABITUALLY SHOW UP LATE FOR WORK: JEEBUS H CHRIST...YOU'RE AN ADULT, YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW TO OPERATE AN ALARM CLOCK.

DOOR TO DOOR MINISTRIES: JUST KEEP WALKIN' HOMESLICE, I DON'T WANT YOUR HOODOO F*CKING UP MY CHI.

GAS PRICES HIGHER THAN BLACK TAR HEROIN- IF I COULD POWER MY CAR WITH MAD DOG 2020 I WOULD.

THAT'S ABOUT IT FOR NOW...BUT I ASSURE YOU ALL THERE WILL BE ADDITIONAL LISTS IN THE FUTURE.

SW

2006-08-07T06:43:00.002-04:00

Monday, May 01, 2006

THINGS THAT ANNOY THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF ME: PART 2
Current mood: IRRITABLE

FOAMINIAN GREETINGS, ALL

HERE'S PART 2 OF MY ONGOING SERIES ABOUT THINGS THAT ANNOY THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF ME...

1. THE AIR QUALITY AT WORK: A MULTI-BILLION TELCO CAN'T AFFORD A SWIFFER DUSTER AND NEW AIR CONDITIONER FILTERS?

2. MY DOG'S DROOLING PROBLEM: MACK, PLEASE STOP WIPING YOUR FACE ON ME

3. PEOPLE WHO WEAR FRONTS: THE 10 LBS OF BLING AROUND YOUR NECK & FINGERS WASN'T ENOUGH- YOU LOOK LIKE THE UNHOLY SPAWN OF A JAMES BOND VILLIAN & MR. T

4. BARISTAS: YOU'RE PRETTY FUCKING UPPITY FOR MINIMUM WAGE EARNING COFFEE POURERS- NOW POUR ME A VENTE JACKASS

5. "THE BOY": IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO YOUR FRIEND NEXT DOOR- USE THE FUCKING TELEPHONE- STOP YELLING ACROSS MY YARD WHILE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP, AND WHILE YOUR AT IT- PUT YOUR BIKE AWAY

6. CHEAP TOILET PAPER: IT SHOULDN'T DISINTEGRATE BEFORE YOU USE IT

7. DOOR TO DOOR MISSIONARIES: MY DOG CAN AND WILL EAT YOU

8. LARRY KING: ENOUGH WITH THE GAY-ASS TIES & THE TECHNICOLOUR DRESS SHIRTS- YOUR MAKING THE SCREEN ALL WAVY & GIVING ME A MIGRAINE

9. MIGRAINES: THEY FUCKING HURT & MAKE ME VOMIT...ALOT

10. THE "BITCH & MOAN" NETWORKS: I.E. LIFETIME (TELEVISION FOR IDIOTS) OXYGEN (HERALDING THE NEW WORLD OPRAH) & WE (WHERE MERIDITH BAXTER-BIRNEY'S MADE FOR TV CAREER IS ALIVE & WELL)

THATS THE LIST FOR TODAY...NOW, GO AWAY

SW

2006-08-07T06:43:00.001-04:00

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

FOAMINIAN SPOTLIGHT: GRIMACE & THE HAMBURGLAR
Current mood: REVERENCE

WRATHFUL GREETINGS FOAMINIONS!
TODAY I WOULD LIKE TO DEDICATE THIS RANT TO THE MEMORY OF GRIMACE & THE HAMBURGLAR...THE KEWLEST BURGER CHAIN MASCOTS EVAH! YEAH, GRIMACE LOOKS LIKE BARNEY'S BUTT PLUG AND HAMBURGLAR'S ENGLISH WAS SORELY LIMITED (ROBBLE ROBBLE) BUT THOSE TWO WERE THE ONLY THINGS KEEPING THAT TOOL RONALD McDONALD AND HIS PUPPET MAYOR McCHEESE FROM TURNING MICKY D'S INTO SOME HAPPY ASSHOLEY JONESTOWN. THEY WOKE US UP TO THE SHAMROCK SHAKE OF TRUTH!!! GRIMACE & THE HAMBURGLER WERE THE CRIMINAL ELEMENT THAT KEPT US IN TOUCH WITH REALITY- NOT THE SANITIZED FANTASY LAND THAT DAMNABLE CLOWN WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE. SADLY THAT DEMONIC CLOWN WON OUT AND YOU BOTH WERE SENTENCED TO SPEND ETERNITY IN RELATIVE ANONYMITY- BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL YOU WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN!!!
I RAISE MY GLASS TO YOU BOTH: FOR KEEPING IT REAL IN THE McHOOD

RAWK OUT WITH YOUR CAWK OUT BOYS
SW

2006-08-07T06:43:00.000-04:00

Sunday, May 14, 2006

FOAMINIAN SALUTE TO MOTHERS EVERYWHERE!!!
Current mood: LOVES HER MOMMY

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY WRATHKETEERS!
IN RECOGNITION OF MOTHER'S DAY, I PRESENT "YO MAMA"...DRINK IT IN!

Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....
Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.
Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read
Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!
Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo mama so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.
Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.
Yo mama so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo mama so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo mama so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
Yo mama so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo mama so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!
Yo mama so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies!
Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
Yo mama teeth are so yellow she spits butter!
Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!
Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.
Yo mama so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater.
Yo mama so dirty she makes mud look clean.
Yo mama so dirty that she was banned from a sewage facility because of sanitation worries!
Yo mama so dirty that you can't tell where the dirt stops and she begins.
Yo mama feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates!
Yo mama aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back!
Yo mama mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
I saw your mama kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she was doing, and she said "Moving."
Yo mama teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY Y'ALL
SW

2006-08-07T06:42:00.002-04:00

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

PEOPLE WHO NEED A VIOLENT BEATING: VOL 3
Current mood: SPEECHLESS/RAGING

WRATHFUL & RAGE-FILLED GREETINGS WRATHKETEERS!

I PRESENT THE NEXT 2 RECIPIENTS OF THE "PEOPLE IN NEED OF A VIOLENT BEATING" AWARD: UNNAMED 11 YR OLD GIRL, HER MOTHER, 34.
WORDS FAIL ME...READ FOR YOURSELF

Girl, 11, will be Britain's youngest mother
By IAN DRURY, Daily Mail 08:52am 12th May 2006

A girl is to become Britain's youngest mother after becoming pregnant at 11.
The girl smokes 20 cigarettes a day despite being eight months' pregnant. She conceived aged 11 when she lost her virginity to a boy of 15 on a drunken night out with friends. The 15-year-old has since been charged with rape by police, and is due to appear again at Edinburgh sheriff court on July 10.
Her 34-year-old mother, who gave birth to her youngest child eight months ago, said she was 'proud' of her daughter.

She will be 12 years and 8 months when she has the child next month. Jenny Teague, Britain's youngest mother until now, was a month older when she gave birth in 1997.
The youngster, who lives near Edinburgh, says looking after her younger brothers has prepared her for motherhood.
But the girl admits she "panics and cries" when babies are unwell and does not feel able to bathe them.
The mother-to-be, who cannot be named for legal reasons, had unprotected sex with the teenage boy, who also cannot be identified, while drunk last August.
'Excited'
She told the Sun: "I didn't think I'd get pregnant because it was my first time. But I'm really excited and looking forward to being a mum.
"I can't wait to take the baby swimming and out for walks in the pram. I think I'll be able to cope as I've had lots of practice looking after my brothers.
"I know how to feed a baby its bottle and I can change nappies. But I panic and cry if they're sick and I don't like giving them a bath because I'm a bit frightened.
"It's good to know I'll have my mum here to help me if I need her."
Concerned she might be pregnant, the girl visited a GP three times but tests proved negative. She learned the truth after buying a home-testing kit from a supermarket.
After the device displayed two blue lines, indicating she was pregnant, she pleaded with a female relative to break the news to her mother. The girl, who has been suspended from her first year of secondary school for fighting, said: "I was paranoid about what my mum was going to say and just frightened about being pregnant too.
"I knew straight away that I couldn't have an abortion because that's something I don't believe in.
"I was upset and so was my mum, especially as she'd just had my wee brother. We had a big argument and I ended up locking myself in my room and running away to a friend's.
"It was really hard but it's brought me and my mum closer, which is good. I knew my mum would stand by me no matter what, but I told her straight away I was going to keep the baby.
"The social worker suggested I got rid of it but I'd never do that."
Smoking at nine
The girl, who has shoulder-length dark hair, began smoking at nine and started drinking tonic wine and vodka cocktails at ten. She claimed her cigarette habit was not harming the health of her unborn child.
She said: "I can give up smoking at any time, but I don't find it affects my pregnancy."
The girl, whose parents split up several years ago, said she would like a baby boy - and may call him Leo.
She is currently being educated at a local community centre but knows she must return to school.
She told the Sun: "My mum has said she will look after the baby so I can go to school. I don't know what I want to do with my life when I leave. I used to want to be a nursery nurse, but now I'm not so sure."
'Proud of my daughter'
Her mum said: "I'm not ashamed of my daughter at all - in fact, I'm proud of her for keeping the baby. "I know she's worried what other people will say but she can walk out there with her head held high. "At first I wasn't too happy about becoming a gran. But now I'm used to the idea. I'm really looking forward to having another baby in the house."
The Scottish Conservatives has called for society and families to unite to change attitudes towards sex following the news.

I THINK I NEED TO BATHE AND/OR VOMIT NOW- I FEEL DIRTY & NAUSEOUS AFTER READING THIS.

SW

2006-08-07T06:42:00.001-04:00

Saturday, May 20, 2006

PEOPLE WHO NEED A VIOLENT BEATING- VOL 4
Current mood: SHAKING HEAD IN DISBELIEF

GREETINGS WRATHKETEERS!
NUMBER4 IN MY SERIES "PEOPLE WHO NEED A VIOLENT BEATING" COMES FROM TEH MYSTERIOUS AND FARAWAY LAND OF CHINA....

Loser steals thief's heart
(Shanghai Daily)
Updated: 2006-05-16 10:22

A thief fell for the woman whom he stole a wallet from and later returned it after he saw her photo in the wallet, Xinmin Evening News reported yesterday.

Miss Wang was hit by a man while she was riding her bicycle to a supermarket near Lujiazui area last month. While she cleaned herself off and got back onto the bike, she realized that the man had escaped with her wallet, which contained 1,000 yuan (US$125), a mobile phone, bank card, ID card and divorce certificate.

Wang called the police immediately but they were unable to find the thief.

Unexpectedly, when Wang returned to work several days ago, her colleague handed her the stolen items along with a letter, saying that the thief wanted to become close friends with her after seeing her divorce certificate.

Wang is a beautiful 32 years old, who likes makeup and looks fashionable and younger than her real age, said Wang's boyfriend, surnamed Xue. He also said that the thief may fall in love with Wang after seeing her pictures in the wallet.

Afraid that the thief may try to contact her at work or he will be angered by her calling the police, she plans to find another job to avoid him.

MMMMKAY- CONFUCIUS SAY: MUGGINGS ARE A BAD WAY TO MEET WOMEN.